odd but it works for me

I know it is an odd picture--an elephant in utero---I so remember when you were inside of me Sarah--I remember the very private relationship we had as you grew and I could feel you and we began communicating with one another--and most of the time it was so intimate and no one else even knew. You and I were so close--from the very beginning. I never thought I would have a baby--so was so thrilled and also afraid because I had such trouble carrying you. I never thought I would ever even hold you in my arms. and then..you were born. We had so many years together--so much holding and hugging and always touching, holding hands--even in these last years--while we would drive together---we would hold hands. Just always touching.

I still feel you--and know your presence in such an intimate way. You seem to be present still for me in the most intimate way.

Again tonight---you were there. We were all at the church and putting together the table stuff for the wedding and wrapping the silverware...and all of a sudden--Maggie played the song---"be" by Neil Diamond...and the others who were in front of the table moved out of the way and there before me was the most beautiful table setting with a beautiful seagull in between 2 tall candles that were to represent Rick and I. The seagull was you---and I cried...and cried...and so did Marty and others---we were all stopped for a minute or two---and your sweet spirit was present---tender, kind, touching...gentle...present...close. I felt you say---I am still here with you...I love you mom.

I love you Sarah. I miss you so--I wanted more, but didn't get more. I can't wait to see you again. I have to tell you dear girl...I am ok. I am blessed more than I deserve or know what to do with it---so much love poured out on me...the shower last Sunday blew me away--then the continued love and support through all this.

You are present. You are where we will be coming soon---not sure who is next. That always takes me out too---who is next to leave the rest of us? Death is so hard---so final, so exacting. But I try so hard to look to what follows the other side of my last breath here---and that is the first there. I am excited to come there. I also want to stay here now and experience this wonderful love and adventure. I know you see it somehow.

Just know we all love you, we miss you. I do feel you close--like somehow like when you were in utero---

I know this is sick--sorry to those who won't get this next part....but when I had my hysterectomy...because I had worked in the OR at that hospital...they brought me my uterus so I could see it. When I looked at it---they had cut it in half, so I could see the inside where you had lived. I was overcome with extreme wonder and astonishment at this small place had held the seed of you---that had been inpregnated by your dad's seed to mine..and you were the beginning of the biggest miracle in my life...and I was awed that God gave you to me and allowed my body to carry you....to allow me to be the bearer of you. I took that great honor and carried you for those 9 months...and then got the privilege to be your mom for almost 29 years. Wow, what a privilege.

So tonight---I again am amazed that I had this close moment with you again today. Maggie didn't know about the song Be, nor even what the seagull means to me, so there you were...just my girl....present. love you so....mom

beauty of the rose

The rose is our picture of my new love---opening slowly.

The closed one is the picture of our upcoming wedding.

I am excited to see this rose begin to open-to see the petals and colors of this closed rose.

Such a glorious time has been this engagement period. The pedals on the open rose have been glorious and tender and sweet. I am rich beyond words in what these last months have meant to me. I have seen joy in the land of the living. I have experienced love in a manner never experienced before.

I am blessed by this love. Blessed by the rich fragrance, the glorious tenderness and gentleness of it. I am more because of it. I have loved my singleness, my time of finding myself and finding who I am. I love taking this to this relationship. The fullness of knowing me. The richness of my wholeness and what that brings to love. I am not carrying broken pieces that still have sharp edges, but taking me to present to him, and him to me.

God, I look forward with anticipation to 3 weeks from today--to see the new rose begin to open, to see the mystery of marriage. To smell the mystery of this covenant, the new land before us. To see you Father---bless this new place and to welcome both of us to our new journey together.

How blessed I am. How excited I am, how hopeful I am. Thank you Father. Thank you for this gift. Thank you for Rick.

excitement in the days ahead, carrying the tears

there is joy in the days ahead. there is excitement at the joy others have for me, for us. I am excited to think that God would bring a dear man along my side at this season in my life, to journey with and discover. even in the season of loss, there is life. how can one hold both. some moments, it seems like these two blur together-and take on their own aroma. an aroma that i have not smelled before-rich, distinct. full of life and full of eternal richness.

i know i appreciate this season like i have no other before because it is so unexpected. i have learned loss and the momentaryness of life..so to savor the moments given...that will sometimes abruptly be taken away. i will not hold hard and fast, but loose and with the freedom to savor and enjoy--and not be afraid. i will not allow the loss of sarah to taint how i live today. she would be furious to learn i began to live in fear. i will not hold on and live carefully or without risk--i will enjoy and be brave, i will embrace the new, try new things, drink fully and completely--i will not take fear with me to this new land. it has not been a friend, but a foe. it has been an unwelcome traveler, one that buys it's own ticket and acts like it is your long lost companion---reminding you of things that make it seem like it belongs. it waits for the moments to sneak in and lean in close--cutting off your breath and diminishing the flame of hope. i will not welcome it--i will not. JESUS, you are my constant-you are my hope, you are the only one welcome to continue with me in this new strange land i have not gone to before. YIPPEEEEE, God i am so excited...and am still carrying tears. they fall freely and splatter sometimes all over the joy--but the colors mix to unusual and beautiful pastels---and extend beyond borders...and make their own markings and designs. i love the way they mix....and they bring a depth to my soul that has not been there ever before. God--you have been kind to teach me these things...in the midst, on this journey...you are kind. you are so my Father.

joy!!!!!

Amazed that God would allow me to do a marriage. Just amazed at what He does even when we feel bankrupt and empty.

Marriage---I am getting excited to be entering soon into this wonderful land in just 24 days. Blessed to have the most wonderful man chosen for me to walk the journey with.

Wishing Sarah were there in person to celebrate--as I wished she would have been there in person for Ash and Nick's big day too...Ash missed her...but somehow I know Sarah was there in spirit. Don't get that part--just felt her there....smiling, rejoicing....glad!

I too am happy for this new marriage and the life ahead of 2 wonderful people...just thank God for their love and excitement. God bless the 2 of them in their life together.

too long

Lonely for you tonight.

8 months.

miss you. ache.

empty

quiet

salty sweet days and nights

just ache tonight-even as i pick a picture out for my blog, it aches. sometimes i look for the picture before i find the words. just miss you sarah. how do i say how hard it is not to be able to pick up the cell phone and call you--anytime...anywhere...we could do that and did. i wonder if i ever will delete your name, even when it is hard to scroll past it...

even in the outlook directory--your name is there. i am sure many of us wonder this too. it makes it more permanent if it gets deleted...maybe we will just thank God for you when we see it--and make it sweet instead of salty.

only 31 days right this moment till i marry. and i am trying to do this without your present help. i hate that part. i know you--oh my..you would have so many things happening if you were here. i am keeping it very simple...and many are helping--thank God---you would be happy about that. i am sure it will be so sweet and perfect. i truly am excited about the wedding...just sad...so sad you will not be there...smiling that wild ass smile that showed those beautiful white teeth!! such a smile i never see...except in my mind and memories now.

so many people miss you--they write and call and tell me. i am so blessed by their words. they help me know how real you were...your voice is quieter and harder to recall...i hate that. i often go to your myspace page just to listen to your laugh. i have 6 messages on my cell phone from you---2 birthday messages 2 years in a row...you would laugh and ask my why i would save this stuff...well...see!!! i am so glad i did....so glad i did.

i miss you my girl. i miss you so. tonight the why is on my lips again. just heard on the news that stephen curtis chapman's 5 year old daughter was killed by her brother when he backed up out of the driveway and ran over her tonight--ugh...it starts, the tragedy..the awfulness of this. i pray so for all of them tonight---from far off. just like so many prayed the moment they heard about you dying...for all of us. tragedies...ugh...so awful, so hard.

God, please hold me tonight....i just have a sore, sore mother's aching heart...needing to hold her girl. i just miss you sarah...my sarah c.

in the hand of God

Here it is on Mother's day--my first one with you living now in heaven. Such a quiet and odd day today. I am blessed by so many people remembering you today and giving such love and cards and calls. I am blessed by so many wonderful friends and family...you would be so happy about that.

Yesterday was a hard day--anticipating you gone. I have met so many people who have lost someone in the last months--there is a tenderness and look in people's eyes that gives it away. I think so often about heaven and what it is like where you are? What are you doing...what do you see? Did you know Tom, our neighbor just died? Do you get to meet people as they get to heaven? I am intriqued by this thing of life after death..I know we all will find out someday, so think about it more and more now that you are gone.

You would love to meet Rick--he is just a wonderful man...I wish you were here to see how happy I am...and how wonderful he is...I just wish I had both of you. Chris called me today too--and wished me a happy mother's day---just hear it in his voice too...the missing of you.

I love this picture of you Sarah--makes me think of when you were little and that night I found you in your dad's and my bed--and we had been fighting. When I came into our room, you were there laying in our bed, just 6 years old..and I saw a glow about you--a peace was all over you--and I asked you what you were doing and you told me you were "laying in the hand of God" and I could actually see you there--and saw the peace all over you...so I still think of you there--in His hand and cared for. I can't wait to see you. I miss you, miss our memories..miss our times. I have such hope-hope in the greatest eternity...just a wonderful and wild time in the best of all places--our eternal home. It will be just great to see you--feel you, hug you. I miss you fiercely today sweet girl...love you more than words could ever say. Please give my mom a hug too today and tell her I so miss her too....and can't wait to hug her too. Love you so. mom

just goes on and on and on....

head in my hands...tears fall

ache in my heart

emptyness in my stomach that is struggling to digest it all

my chest that takes small breaths...unable to take in the air of grief

a new land, one I have no map for

there is no title for a mother who has lost her child like for a person who has lost their spouse

how do you say....when they ask, "do you have any children?" sometimes it is easier to just say, "Yes, I have a daughter", and they say, that is nice. if you tell them, you had a daughter--then they look at you with that look of pain...and then you have to try to tell the story. if you tell the story, it becomes more and more painful to watch the sadness in their eyes of pain...and it goes over and over again...a new land...one I have no map for. such a difference between the have and had. we all lose...we all learn to walk this land of loss.

i am learning to walk this land, to hold the hand of the ONE who has carried me and all of us to this place of sorrow and will carry us through and onward. we do trust-with the blindness of faith, that we will press on. grateful for the love and care of the ones around that cheer us on. so many memories recently, so many things to remember her and trigger memories. new sorrow, new roads to learn. always having to trust each new one and turn over to Him who holds our hearts.

missing you, missing you, missing you.

quiet

silent

deep

endless

hard

unfair

unending

wordless

dark

looking for the light-the only light that brings hope...and reaching out to others and to You to keep on. looking forward to heaven, to eternal life. listening to angel wings, seeing and hearing with different ears for glimpses of that hope-all day long--all night long....living in a new land with no map. You are God of heaven, and here I am on earth...and I let my words be true---Jesus, I am so in love with you. And I'll stand in awe of You....and I'll let my words be true...Jesus, I am so in love with you.

Kiss my girl today.

Sweet memories

Just a dear day--just home from cleaning and sorting at Christopher's house...going through Sarah's books and kitchen stuff. Tears and laughter mixed together...sweet and hard.

Funny how much we are alike--so many of the same things we would buy. Just loved shopping with her, gardening with her...anything with her.

Her spring flowers she planted last year are all up--loads of daffodils and tulips---just gorgeous. Even in the front 2 beds that never had things grow too long as the heat would take them out in the summer.

I just love touching your stuff Sarah-makes me feel close for a bit...just miss you so. Just is so long since you were here with us. So many miss you. We are trying to keep living and not just living, but living well--embracing the day, the moment--loving and living. Can't wait to see you again--love you so much. My girl.

Such a time

Wow, that is all I can say on some days. Here I am with Rick--putting his house on the market to begin the move to the east for him into a brand new life. Soon I will be his wife.

So much has changed in the last 6 months, so many things that have been new. Newly engaged, newly having lost my dearest daughter and friend Sarah. Newly unemployed at my old job, but newly employed at a new job. Losses and gains....so many things have changed.

Somedays there is nothing left in the well. Nothing left to try to use to navigate how to think or respond to all of this. Sometimes I am doing seemingly ok--then something triggers the inner part of my heart that is still raked raw from the grief of the tragic loss not so long ago. Tears come quickly and hot on my cheeks. The aching is swift to fill in my heart, mixing into the joy of the days I am also in---they swirl together and make a new flavor in my spirit and heart-a taste I have never tasted before.

I wonder how all this will play out in the days and months to come---much to look forward to---looking forward to 63 days till I say "I Do", and yet...my dear Sarah will not be there in person to celebrate this most wonderful love. 63 days will also take me to a land less familiar with where I am leaving. So--in 63 days-some gets better and more joyful, and some of me leaves the land I loved so well further behind. Life is so difficult at times---to live means movement and breathing--not staying and stopping. It tugs at me to keep going. I know I will go on, I know it will never leave this mother's dear heart totally---and all the time, you remind yourself over and over---heaven is coming, you will see her again....it won't be the same, but it will make sense then...you will see her in her glorious body, not broken and decaying as you did at the end. So many images still play before my mind still too often--only not spoken out loud much any more....what to do with them...as they find themselves as reruns when you don't even know you are watching till you have played it through.

Joy--something I pray for. God, I want joy that is not just feeling it...but a well of fullness that comes from the faith of all this is so true and real--and even in the sore losses, we experience a peace that comes only from being settled...settled in to the knowledge of it is all true. I sit down in this right now---and rest my head against your shoulder. Held by you, loved by you. Yes...that is right and good. I am tired. I am going to bed.

Such dear memories

My heart is tender, missing you.

remembering such sweet memories of times of togetherness, playing-laughing. Telling stories, singing songs. So many times with our feet in the sand. We have spent countless hours on the beach in our lives. Such fun.

There are days that seem to be so empty to me. It gets longer and longer since I have talked to you, yet still often think of you first when I have something new to tell or share. I ache right in the middle of my chest when I realize that you are not here then. I wonder often too what you are doing--how this eternal life really is? Life is so complex. So stretching of my belief system.

Sarah, dear Sarah. I am grateful for you in my life. I have spent so many years with you at the center of my heart. Can't think of too many things ever in the 29 years you were a part of me, that you didn't end up being thought of with all of it. Now---your life is drifting away. No matter how much I want to keep you very present, it just is not possible. I hate that, but know to keep living--I must embrace life. I know deep in my heart, that I will see you again. I so can't wait till that day happens.

Here is a prayer sent to me by Peggy Wheeler on 10/23-just less than one month after Sarah died. I think this prayer has held me fast during all these months since then. It helps me to have wild hope at when I see her again. May it bless all who read it---with fresh hope of heaven. May the salt breeze hit you in the face as your ship too turns its' last turn on your way home. May you have the hope of heaven in your heart!!

Let the stories of Sarah that we bring keep her memory fresh and let them bring healing. Allow Chris to treasure all of these things, and to slip them away for safe keeping in her heart. Let our efforts extended provide true comfort and in your timing. How I wish we all knew how to do this grief thing. Lord... this was never a part of your plan for your children, and we do feel robbed... death truly is a thief here in this place, on this side of eternity.
Grief... it does come in waves... aptly and curiously described in light of this tragedy. At times it seems to come at us from nowhere leaving us floundering in our own sea. Please steady Chris right now on the solid rock where you have placed her. Steady her, hold her fast, and when grief sits heavy on her chest and lodges tightly in her throat, remind her to breathe. Bring peace and bring your comfort. Wrap her in your strong arms where she is safe to rest, and grant her healing and merciful sleep I pray.
Oh Lord, my sister said that waking each morning brings overwhelming grief. I pray that you grant in the place of this suffocating grief a new image of hope that will melt warm over her when her eyes fly open at each new day.
In her minds eye Lord, I pray that you help Chris to imagine that she is aboard some beautiful and magnificent ship, where she is standing at the rail on the upper deck feeling the sun warm on her face, and the balmy sea breeze gently tosses her hair.The sound of sea birds and the smell of the salty air mixed with some sweet flower scent feels exotic yet somehow so familiar. She is filled with peace and excitement for the great ship is turning, ever slowing in the calm and beautiful blue waters. The ship makes its way into the port of call and then comes to a stop. In this place where they planned to meet, there are a sea of faces awaiting loved ones, and as she scans the crowd she catches the first sight of her.. her Sarah! She see her running wildly on the dock along side the ship. Her hair is unruly in the breeze and she pulls it back from her face as she looks up- She points to you as your eyes meet! Your heart pounds madly and at once you feel connected..... finally connected again. She smiles that wide and beautiful smile. She waves furiously, hurrying you in welcome. You cannot descend the stairs and get past the walls of people fast enough.She is jumping up and down, you are moving toward one another and your arms are open wide. You are running toward her open arms, and all the while she is yelling playfully- scolding you for taking so long to finally get home.
Amen

memories

It is a misty day out today. Yesterday was a difficult day for Christopher, Karalyn and I as we began to sort through the most dear and personal things you had Sarah. Tears mixed with smiles of remembering you in certain things-wearing certain things...loving your stuff. You were so colorful, so beautiful. I loved seeing how you mixed and matched the things you had.

It is such a hard thing to walk out grief. The work of grief is ever present-always in front of you with memories and possessions and empty places where you would be. I miss you so, so many people miss you so. We share the sarah stories--which make us laugh as you did so many things that still crack us all up. You were a unique and wonderful girl. We will never be the same knowing you. I am the most blessed mom to have gotten the assignment of having you for my one and only---oh my!! God blessed me so. I miss our times, our talks, all the fun we had. Your spot is so wide and deep in me. My heart aches sometimes so deep.

Somehow in the midst of the mist of this walk, I see the light ahead-maybe it is just heaven beckoning me to keep hoping. I do hope and hope in me is huge. I look forward to the eternal part still coming, still ahead. I can only imagine the wonders of the kingdom, what you are doing right this minute. Full of life--true life, eternal life. I want to share that life with all I meet--the people who don't know about it yet.

Wish you were here for my selfishness--to share the joy of my upcoming marriage to Rick. You would love him, you probably know more about him that I do!! He is a dear man and God is so kind to bring him alongside of me right now. I am excited for my future--but miss that you don't get to be part of this special time. You would be wild with ideas--I would be having a blast watching you put this all together with the flair of what only you could imagine!! You would stretch me in ways to embrace this new man in my life...."Mother---just get a life!! Don't hold anything back, embrace it, embrace him--go for it!!" I can hear you loud and clear Sarah C. I get it, I will not miss this, I will savor every moment of it and drink long and hard this wonderful cup of love given to me in the midst of deep sorrow and pain. God is kind to me. God is blessing me in the most beautiful way.

just know i miss you---God please hug and kiss my girl today---right in that special spot that she will know it is from me.

6 months

Just quiet in my heart today. Wondering what you are doing in the new place you live now. God give faith today to us on this side of the veil. Help me, us...to believe in the eternal wonder of your kingdom--no more death, no more sorrow...no more pain. I long to know this place someday.

I long to know that Sarah is there-to believe with this with my full heart today, to trust in you with all my heart. Not to lean on my understanding, which is so limited, so small most days.

God-you know my mother's heart-the sorrow spilling over. You know my weak frame, my limits. Help me to crawl right into your lap today, to rest in you. To know your deep love and care for me, for the ones who miss our girl. What a girl. What a dear and wonderful girl. So much love and joy and life from her. How we have been touched so by her. Her challenges to live-each moment, each day. Let us be about living well today. Help us to press on. Help me to not get lost today, nor tomorrow...to press on. To grieve with hope. Smiling with all my memories. Thankful for her in my life. Oh my--I did have such a wonderful time.

looking

There are days that it just doesn't seem like it is possible that it is all true to me. I look longingly out to the horizon on my mind, my life...and just see the landscape has been drastically and forever altered. Hardly a thing is the same. My heart even seems to beat differently. I breath differently. I see differently. I hold things close differently. I never will be the same.

I went to bed that night at 10 p.m. Put my head on the pillow, missing you all day Sarah--knowing it was the longest time I had gone without talking to you--just emailing. Just had read your email about wanting the rain to go away and to pray for you guys that day as you wandered through the cinque terra...never knowing....as I laid my head down...you had already left this life....the phone call was still to come and wake me from my sleep. The news of you being gone...to wake to that news. To wake up in a new land. To never be the same again. It will be 6 months tomorrow. I cry with tears of missing you. I cry for all of us who miss you so. Still trying to find shoes that will help us walk out this new land that has only memories of you. How to live with passion and fullness. How to embrace a new love and an upcoming marriage---and not have you to share in this joy. I know somehow in my heart and soul that you know of it, but it is not the same. This challenges me like nothing I have ever been challenged with. How to let you go--how to release you, but keep you tucked in. My mind isn't too level anylonger. My mind fights to stay upright. My mind fights to stay in today and not look too far back or too far forward with you missing...

Grief is something I can not handle. I have to run to Jesus right away--to not even ponder a minute in it right now. Some moments ache like a searing...crushing, agonizing...and those words are mere shadows of what my soul cries out to be explained. Then other moments, I believe and can't wait to see you in all the glory of your new life in heaven. Such schizophrenia of the mind.

My dear girl...my dear girl. so loved, so precious....so loved by so many. May God help us all as we come to the 6 months of your departure from us...hold us Lord close...Christopher, my family, her friends, all of us who have felt the loss so deeply. Can you kiss her and hold her for me, for us?

Resurrection

So looking forward to heaven. So looking forward to knowing the truth that I only hope in now. Sometimes I wish to see just for one second into heaven to help me press this life out with the passion I feel so much of the time. It would be like being on the high ropes course--knowing if you fall, you will not hit the ground, but be caught by the harness--so you start to leap from tree to tree, knowing you are really safe.

I miss you Sarah. I miss you mom and dad and Nancy--and the others who are gone. The ones of us left here, are beginning to look ahead more and more with an anticipation that yearns for the homeland.

I went away for Easter this year to spend the time with my fiance' and his family. I needed to do a new thing. I missed my family, I missed Sarah, I missed being at my home church. It was ok. It was a new season. I wanted to be with Rick as he begins the transition to a new place. Many of the lasts for him, firsts for us. Time doesn't ever slow down, the second hand doesn't begin to move less purposefully. Life is always moving forward--to the end moment when Jesus does come back for us. So, to press on, press forward with that hope of eternity ahead, that incredible hope--the biggest hope. The one thing that will never disappoint. To be secure in that hope. To have surrendered to Him, all I have, all I hope to have---to trust you Lord. Ah, that is the best.

I am home now. Moved away from the close contact with grief. Made a decision to pursue Jesus and let him handle the grief. He is my hope, my answer. I will look to Him for the help to walk this all out. I sure miss my girl. That is for sure. Many miss her...she would want us to fix our eyes on Jesus--He is the hope she had, I have.

So many new changes coming. New life, a wonderful new man. It is exciting. God is so kind to me. So kind to him. It is a new season. ALmost 6 months this week since Sarah went to heaven. How did the time go by. . . so swiftly.

miss you girl

Trying to walk through this season. Arms missing holding you. I had the best time being a mom to you. I know I always told you that too. Best job I ever had.

So many times to carry you just like this, still can feel the weight of you. You loved to be small, even as a full grown woman.

You were so unique and special Sarah. I loved your thoughts and your ideas. I loved talking about all the things we talked about. Sometimes we would be pretty passionate, but always loved listening to each other.

I miss you this Easter week dear girl. I miss making chocolate, easter baskets, dinner--going to church, thankful for time together. Loved coloring eggs every year of your life once you could do it. We loved holidays. I will miss it this year. God will help. I pray the Father hold you and kiss you for me tonight.

seeking True North, my dear Father

I have learned some things in the last days since I wrote. I believe God showed me I was leaning too far into grief and not into Him. He showed me I would perish seeking to understand grief and that I had begun to lean too far into something only He could do. He said again to me, like so many times in my life..."seek me first and my kingdom--and all things will be added to you." I had somehow thought if I leaned far enough into this terrible grief and sadness, I would walk out the other side, not destroyed, but able to somehow conquer it. I realized, it was way too much for me, would definitely take me out, destroy my mind, rob me of joy.

I am thankful for the ones around me who pray for me--who encourage me to press on. I am so thankful to my Father who said---"Enough Christine. Enough, it will take you out--but it can not take me out--I hold the power over death and despair. You will never be able to do this on your own. Lean into me-not your understanding. Hold fast to me and I will manage this grief. I will do it." I believe this Father. I believe you hold the power over death. I believe you will give me all I need to walk out this life and trust you. I love you Father.

tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace

this song touches my soul. i have learned more about grief in this season. i can see grief in the eyes of those around me like i never have before. i understand the pain that finds words empty. i cry with tears, without tears...such profound sadness at times. such emptiness.

Chris and I opened a drawer in their bathroom yesterday that had not been disturbed since sarah died. there before us was her big hairbrush...full of her hair, laying there. it did us both in. isn't it weird what undoes us. i can see that girl combing her long and beautiful hair--flipping it back, tossing it to the side...curling it, spraying it, lifting it off her face, pulling it back, pinning it up...she just was beautiful no matter what she did with it. people would always tell me--"do you know how beautiful your daughter is?" i would say yes, i sure do--don't know how she got to be so stunning...so pretty. but she was. she was beautiful inside and out. she knew it at some level and would dress in the most stunning outfits, then at the next time, look just as stunning in junk clothes. one girl told me she didn't really want sarah in her wedding because she would look so beautiful...she did anyway, but knew sarah was so pretty. we laughed about it...

oh my, God please help me to keep wandering through these such hard places, it seems like it will help lead me home....to peace, to acceptance, to joy again. when will i run out of tears...

dear, dear memories

What a blessed time I had with Christopher--with our tears mixing in the midst of sorting through all the things you had Sarah. You never could buy enough stuff--you had to have 15 brown eye shadows--one would not ever do. You needed to have back ups to everything, with backups to the backups...what a girl. The two of us now have to sort through all your collection of things. But in the midst, we laugh because it was so you. You loved shopping, having enough. I think we always had enough, so can't think that we were without, so now you needed it...you just loved to shop!

It is a time...we have much to do, but today we bit off a small piece of this to allow life to come again in areas covered with dust. May God continue to help us to do this work, this necessary part to go on. It is like pruning--you need to cut off the dead branches to allow life to come forth, flowers to come again, fruit to come again on the vine. It is so hard--the brutal cuttings that happen when the vinedresser goes at the grapevine to get it ready to have a new season---it seems like so much gets taken off---and then in the days to come, life comes to the vine, fruit fills the branches. So, Chris and I are going to press into this work of doing this pruning. Help us to know what stays and goes...in order to live this life you have for us well. We are blessed...many good memories, many good friends and family. Loved...and we will love well too.

today....

Today begins a new place--the first of undoing the places Sarah lived in space. I am heading to Chris's house shortly to begin to pack away her things. It has been over 5 months since she died. Dust continues to settle on the things she owned and kept close in possessions.

Life...what is it....

things begin to fall apart. decay...it is so short in so many aspects. over too quickly, too defocused in insignificant ways...caught up with distractions, bills, jobs, deadlines....all the things grabbing for our attention...things that matter, things that don't matter.....

thank you God for eternity. I know you never intended it to be this way when you created the garden. You meant for us to live with full hearts, full love, full passion. death was not your plan, it is not part of the design originally. I am grateful that we who know you-have such an eternal future. I have to crawl through the fog each day of this life to remember and hope in that. I choose each day to press on....even today. I need to have you so close today to Christopher and me as we touch the things she touched last. the special things she purchased to surround her presence. Help us not to go too far into the sorrow that we lose our way. Hold us close as we journey this path together to take this puzzle of Sarah apart and let it be.

you are close, help us to feel your arms, your presence...you deep help and love for us. we cry out to you God. Come and be so present.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull--or was it you?

Today after I came home from having lunch after church with Christopher and his friend--I felt somehow to stay in the garage-the door was open and Rick would be here soon. I was putzing around and when I turned around-here was a seagull standing right outside the garage door--looking right at me. I have never seen a gull do this--and here in the midst of 3 feet of fresh snow. The drive had been plowed, so there were puddles in the drive. The gull would go and drink some of the fresh water and then walk back towards me. He even came into the garage about 5 times and walked around with me. I have never seen a gull do this. I felt this was extremely holy---like somehow Sarah was letting me know she was ok--visiting me....not sure how all that works or how odd that stuff can get, but had a very strong sense of this being very real and about her. I felt very peaceful and happy! I felt reassured, felt great about it. I was talking to Marty on the phone too at the time and she knew it too. Then Rick got there, the gull didn't go far, I was feeding him some bread by then--Rick got to see him too....I kept feeding him, then we looked again and he was gone. It was a holy moment--one that I needed---just missing you fiercely--did talk with Christopher later and told him--think it meant something to him too. Helped me. Feel so empty for you at times. Feel so final about all this--and want to keep the remembrance of eternity and seeing you in heaven there too. Just am thankful for this today. Thanks God--know you let it happen!! I am blessed....

grateful

I am so grateful for the many, many days I got to take walks with Sarah. She and I were blessed to have years on the beach to play and talk and just enjoy the water and each other.

I try to wrap my dear mother's arms around memories now. I miss her hugs and her arms. Her hugs were now bigger than mine around her. I look forward to her hug when I get home to heaven. Somehow I think we will be able to hug when we get there cuz touch is so important to us now.

What a workout grief work is.

my dear girl

"I will miss seeing her face and hearing her voice and knowing she was always there close to me. She has crossed a river from me that I must wait to cross before I see her again. When I see a river, I will think of her." Terry Kay

Sarah loved elephants as a little girl and I would always buy her elephants-and here is a mother with her dead child at her feet. Oh Father, my daughter is gone now. I am at a loss of how to live without her presence. I know she has gone across the river to you and I will see her again when I too cross the river. Help build my faith today to trust in that truth-of heaven and eternal life. I look at pictures of mothers who have lost their children and the face is the same-of anguish and pain. I want to embrace that pain to learn to live with it and find life again in fullness. I want to trust that she is fully present in your presence now. I want to live that belief out in such a way that others too want to know you. I want to always point to YOU. The wonder of the kingdom of you. The sureness of eternal life in Jesus. I lean today into You Father--and trust you and believe in you. Thank you for the 28 years of Sarah's presence in my life. I am rich with memories of her and I. I am grateful beyond words. I had truly the best of the best with her. I hate that I get no more earthly memories with her. I know you will help me to heal and live in this new land. I thank you for your abiding presence as I deeply grieve this loss of dear Sarah C.

hold fast

God-you call us to follow you. I choose you today-to follow all the days of my life. I choose to hold fast. To hold on-to not let go. Lord, you never let go of me. I feel your strong hand holding me when I grow so weak. I am so grateful for you. You are so faithful when I am not. I love you so Lord. Help me just rest in your arms, your presence. Help me to be a poured out offering to others in this season. I am so grateful for all you have done. I am so grateful for the gifts you have brought to my life-the friends, the lavish love poured out on me and my family and friends in this season of grief. For Rick, what a beautiful gift. wow, you are good.

hope in a hopeful time

It is the same day and God you are kind. I so am amazed at how you speak to me. I am grateful to your tender arms that hold me so close. To hold me fast in a time of great change with so little the same. I know you will not leave or let me go. I am firm in your hands. Please protect me from the evil one who wants to crush me and my life with hopelessness and death of dreams and all. Please protect the ones I love-the same prayer for them-protect them. Give us great HOPE Father---bring incredible life to each of us, as we but pass this way but one time. We will walk oneday into the Kingdom of Heaven, for all eternity. Help each of us to walk tall, knowing YOU, knowing HOPE, knowing your constant presence. Knowing nothing can separate us from you or even each other, the ones who know you. That we have been promised this. I choose today again whom I will serve. I choose today again for a sound mind. I choose today again-to walk tall, strong in you but weak in myself and anything I can bring. I lay myself again before you--use me Father to show your kingdom. Show others yourself in my life however you want. I am loved so by you. I love your deep love for me. I rest in this truth. Your love is deeper and wider than anything. This love captured Sarah and holds her and she abides there now. Help me to know this so deep, in the depth of my soul, to find peace in this. I trust you Father.

it is a fight somedays

intentionally....pressing on. that is what i am doing. i don't feel like doing it on many days-today being one. i am aching in my heart. it would be good to dig your heart out of your chest on days like this. i look to you Lord for peace and acceptance in this final loss. i know it is for all times on this side of heaven in my head and my heart is not wanting to open that mail. i have taught all these years to live well, fully, intentionally-pressing on--going for the gold. living with abandon. this is the hardest thing i have ever done. walking on...walking on and forward. leaving the place sarah last was...knowing no new memories will come and that i will have to hold the ones that are from the days past. i hate that. i hate dust on memories--no freshness in them, just past things and places. no new ones.

i know you and she both challenge me to do what this piece of art she created says to do. i will fight hard to live, to press on...please bring peace to me. please help me to live today, not linger too long in the days of before. i know there is a balance in this place-a place to remember and also to live. i think i am near the border of it, but somehow feel lost most days right now. i feel as though i have been caught in a thicket of briars and am getting all scratched in trying to get through this hard place to freedom. i cry out to you God--you must come and rescue me, bring me to the full land of the living---where there is air and life and love and hope. i could loose my mind in this place of trying to reckon out this tragedy. it makes no sense to me, but do tragedies ever make sense? how do people find hope to move on past the shock of tragic loss? how can i, and the others who also have lost dear sarah? so many still wrestling out the horror of it. please help me to feel you close God---to speak, you have been silent in the days of now. I need you so. i need to feel your arms around me, reminding me of the hope of eternity. i need to have my mind get to the land of the living-not dwell in this place of loss so much. i feel the tiredness of the mind stuff, thinking too much. help me to set my mind on you-things above--the hope of you. help to settle this soon Lord. i am weary, my eyes are tired of crying. i am hating grief. i am tired. i need you God.

midnight again and not sleeping

when i look at this picture, i see such beauty and joy. how could minutes pass and end in such tragedy. 2 wonderful kids who had so much ahead of them-and had worked so hard to learn about loving and living out life. i ache again tonight. i am angry that you both don't get to enjoy more. i struggle with the truth of tragedy. tragedy means, no choice--but to walk out the truth of the end result. i feel your presence God--I know you will be present and help us. just today, i struggle with it all. struggle to understand and accept that this is so final and over.
talking to jill tonight and hearing her deep grief, talking to karen and hearing her deep grief, talking to my sister, my niece, my aunt, friends, so many and hearing their deep grief...ugh....and then piling my own on top of it---makes a big pile.
i wonder how to climb the pile of grief and make it over it. how will this begin to make any more sense. how will i live without her? how will any of it feel more at peace. Rick says the memories will someday bring a smile...how? how can it make me smile...
i am wrestling with the heaviness of this, the depth of it, the anguish of this. i want to hit something and break it-to hit something over and over to demolish it--that is what my grief feels like right now--to destroy something that wouldn't matter to anyone but to me---to pour out the anguish inside of me--to empty it and to feel the release...to dump it overboard.
i actually had lunch the other day with some relatives in florida and we were sharing about this story of sarah's death---over lunch, when all of a sudden i almost lost my mind...thinking--how do you talk about your dear and only daughter's tragic death over lunch...it was insane! i wanted to stand up and yell---"do you know this is totally nuts!!! i am talking about her death while eating lunch." how crazy is that.
then i think about all you who may be reading this--what is happening to this poor woman...well, i am ok...it just hurts like hell. i know God will bring me through this--and will ease the soreness of my aching heart--and will bring peace. don't worry--it is just grief is awful ugly and messy. please don't try to fix it. please just pray for me and all of us who miss our dear sarah so. please pray for the comforter to come faithfully--daily, minute by minute to strengthen us and encourage us to press on--to not loose sight of the goal and prize. to love God with all our hearts and souls and minds. I will not give up. I will live with courage and honor and praise. it is just ugly--and hard and sad and makes me madder than i have ever been. i miss my girl. i miss my dearest friend. i miss hearing her talk and laugh and bring such joy to all of the ones who know her. i miss her life fullness---and energy. i miss that she would be having the time of her life helping me plan a wedding--making me laugh and be so full of joy. i miss that she would be maybe pregnant by now--and still trying to finish school and take care of all of us--and making us take time to live. she would be so intentional about all of it, wouldn't she.

we must honor that memory and live well. i am doing as good as i can. Chris is too---pressing on. pressing on....sorry this is a post that will not make total sense. it is late, i have been having more trouble this week with anger--just am mad to have to walk this out. mad...mad....sad....missing her...missing our stuff...missing all the new memories. it is so final lately...over, done...no more...
heaven is ahead...seems far off....hopeful though.
miss you girl.

Life opens before me....

tender life, short life...minutes continue on. there is no stopping time. one moves on, forward, embracing what each day holds. breathing in and out. stepping forward firmly into new.
i find myself amazed at the highs and lows of my life these days. i am amazed at the distance between the two one minute and then the next, i am at the other. grief is that way. grief is not at all something to know when it will appear. you can be fine one minute and then the next, you find your eyes filled to overflowing, dripping tears down your cheeks, spilling onto the paper you are above to place your thoughts in a place to store. then the next minute, you find tears of joy---with deep happiness fills your eyes...and drips again, down your cheeks again to the same page, not even finished yet with tears of sorrow. sometimes i feel it is too hard to even know the difference-which tears are in my eyes.
yet, they mix sweetly in this season---somehow--the bitter and sweet-balancing one another.

the fragrance of the opening rose, fills my mind and soul. i feel the hope of promise in the day today. i feel the hope of the rolled stone that tell me the tomb is truly empty and He is making all things new. i know the promise of what is ahead. random thoughts tonight-not clear nor concise, yet good.
i am in love, i am living in hope. i am sad too, i am so sorry to not have you here my dear sarah--to tell these joys to. you are present in my thoughts all the time, you are close. you must somehow know. God--so kind to me, so dear and kind to me. bringing me such a gift. so blessed, so treasured, so rich i am. my account is full. grateful.

deep grief day

how blessed i am in the valley of deep grief and sorrow to have friends who have given me baskets of presents to open on days like this.

I have cards to remind me of the hope of god and their love for me. I have candles to light, pictures. Rocks and memories of times i watched this little girl or mine sift and play in the sand and throw water for the dog.

times that ache deep in my heart today, the days of long gone...the days of long gone. i find myself today in a place that has grown cold and empty. no one is there but me, i see she is gone, gone to a place that is far from here, to a place so full of life, and with hope to see her again. i can't stay in this place of emptiness, of no life. i find myself sad beyond the tears that have fallen all day this day and in the last few days. i need to walk back to the light of my life. it is so hard on days like this one. the wails that come from the deepest part of me run out of breath before i am done with the wail. it is a long and deep wail, unending, could take my last breath. how does a mother leave this place. how God? where do i go now, where can my arms hold another like her, what do i do with my arms now. what do i do with the kisses that were meant for her and her children. they aren't meant for anyone else. i have other kisses for them. what do i do with the songs in my heart to sing and the sweet stories to tell that only she laughs at. what is a mother to do? how can i leave this place of emptiness and cold. i know that to stay too much longer will break my heart, that is held on days by only the Father's hands and those hands who love me. i have dropped my hands to my side, i have hung my head in this place of grief. somedays the words in me would frighten even the pages of my journal if i wrote them down. i do not want to weep though Lord as one without hope, please remind me quickly of your presence. please show me your tender love and care. please fill my heart with the inner knowledge of her presence in your kingdom. let me hope in you.
the silence is so quiet here, so empty, no wind to blow through, just silence. aching, aching, heart aching that no medicine in the world can fix. maybe a glass of merlot will help ease the pain, but you coming and touching will heal it and make the ache less the best. i long for your touch, i long to hope in heaven like i talk about on the best of days. i long to bring a basket of that hope with me when i visit this place, to eat and feast from....but when i get here, i find myself naked, nothing in my hands, except my tears. how deep and hollow is this place, but no echo comes back even from my wails...just silence.
oh my....my dear Sarah. you are so missed, so missed. so many miss you. i miss you too. taken in the best of your days...spoken by you. did you have any clue. to write even these words cause me such pain, so think of the day of joy turning so quickly to your death, to never say goodbye, to silently drift into the hands of our dear God. oh my....words that swirl in my mind but even can't make it to this page...words still in my mind and needing to be released to this place of emptiness, of things i will never know or have answers to.

My God, please come, please take my hand...please come...please bring hope to my heart today-my mother's aching heart...please help me God, please help me. Please help others to know that their words will not ever fill that place of deep questions and pain, but their faithfulness and steadfastness means more than they will ever know. i am grateful, i am blessed. even when it is hard, harder than i can even find the words to say.

here he is---my love

Wow, how can one be so sad and so happy at the same time. Here is my fiance'. what a time this has been. I have been totally amazed at the goodness of God in the moments of my life since Sarah went to heaven on 9/27.

I am just still reeling from trying to live this life without her and in the same moments, learning to love again with an open heart.

It is the goodness and kindness of God to bring this wonderful man into my life. He is so dear to me and so kind to walk alongside this woman in her sorrow and new way of life.

God, please bless us as we begin a new journey together to discover the life ahead. All things are new to me--my life has taken a direction that I never knew I would take. I walk a new land-a place I don't know the names of the streets, don't know the language, don't know the signs. I am learning to love without fear, learning to live with hope, learning to live with heaven in full mind. I want to fully embrace all that is in each day. I know Sarah would be very happy for me and would be saying---"GO FOR IT MOM!!!!!" This is what she wanted for me--to experience true and lasting love in my lifetime. I believe this is the man who I will experience this love with. He deeply loves the Lord and that is core. I love the Lord too and will trust Him to bring all this together and in His time.

Miss you my girl. Miss talking to you--wish I could hear you hoot and hollar about this! I know you would be! You would say-"live full mom, live well, love deeply and freely--don't miss this." I hear you Sarah. I do hear you.

thanks for the memories

Golly Sarah, we had so much fun together. I just loved our trip to Michigan this year. We laughed and laughed so much on the way over. I remember you taking videos of us singing Hey Jude...and when Aunt Barb and I were in the front seat of my convertible--we looked in the back seat and there you were laying down taking pictures of the clouds---just having the best time.

Just a night that is cold outside, it is late, I am missing you--it is too quiet some nights. I feel so alone on these nights--just me and Harry. I know so many people are all around me, I know they are there and am so happy for them in my life. I don't discount them--not one of them. I don't know what I would do without the support that God has laid around me--and even me for them. Just didn't know how quiet the world would be without your strong and clear voice. You had so many words to say about everything. I loved listening to you. I loved hearing you process the things that pissed you off. I loved laughing so much....do you remember us laying in the tent this summer....it was so funny that we couldn't have a fire cuz it was raining--so you used the lighter to make smores---hahahahah!! Then we laid in the dark with my camera phone and took pictures of us and laughed and laughed...such fun. Who would know it was our last. We talked abou taking your kids camping--and how we would do that and still shop and eat. Brent said that heaven will bring fulfillment of what we don't finish here--so girl...check out some cool places---cuz I want to go camping in heaven. What a thought. I want to savor and enjoy the best of the best places.
I miss you so some minutes...just ached like it won't go away. I just miss you. I just miss you. heading to bed...some people dream about you---I haven't yet....wonder if I will.

love you sweetie...mom

aching day

Today is an aching day---heart aches for you, to talk to you, to share with you all the big and small things I want to talk with you about. I wish for another day with you--it wouldn't be enough...that is for sure. I know we lived so well and fully each day--it just never is enough. I long somedays to come straight to heaven. To be done here--to just try to not be sad and to press on. I do well sometimes, but right this minute, the grief is heavy...and missing you fills my mind and heart. Dear girl, how you have filled my life these last 29 years. Everywhere I look, I see the memories of times and places we have been. You are so dear to me. I know so many people miss you fiercely. So many seem lost without your full presence--you lived large Sarah. You lived full. You drank fully from the cup in your hand. I loved watching you do it too. Loved it even when you were so frustrated with people or events--just watching you process things.
I am just missing hearing you come down the stairs to the cottage, talking on the cell phone, carrying your dayplanner, with at least 2 bags of whatever you just bought--coming in loudly, telling Harry to not jump on you--planting a kiss on me, still talking at top speed, heading to the bathroom to pee as you hadn't probably done that in hours--ha! You would then go immediately to the fridge--next thing you would do is pop a beer, or pour a glass of wine--cut up cheese and crackers---maybe make a comment about my fridge only has condiments in it and what do I eat??? You would finally get off the phone---and throw it in your very large purse and continue to tell me every detail of the day and all that you had happen....with all the fillins....just talking and talking...I just loved the whole thing--the whole experience---just watching you. I have watched you do the same thing alllllll your life---from small to just before you died. I loved it---never did it get boring. You are my dearest and best friend. I miss you more than I can ever even tell you. I miss telling you now about my life--the neat things that are happening to me now---and wishing you were here to laugh with me and be happy---you would be too. You were always so worried about me--and everyone else too. You made time for all of us. You made the time for the details, the people. You taught us Sarah--you taught us to take time. I so miss you.

I so miss you.

Life is something else

I just am back from visiting my ladies group in Newark last night. I have been so touched by their gift of friendship in the last 17 years. This weekend again touched me in deep ways. The picture above was done 20 years ago when my aunt Barb and I went to Paris together on a trip. A artist in Montmartre asked to sketch me and then wanted 100 francs for the picture. I ended up giving him 20 francs. He told me I had the saddest eyes he had ever seen. I have had this picture rolled up in a container all these years, but this last summer, gave it to my friend Connie to look at getting it framed finally. I always loved looking at where I had come from-the sorrow that was so evident in my eyes and life at the time. Well, here I am visiting my friends this weekend--and after they gave me 3 baskets full of gifts to open in the year to come--heartful hug presents-to open--some on specific days--others on days I needed to. Those gifts alone blew me away--such kind and wonderful friends they are. I was deeply touched by these dear women. Then they told me they had one more gift they have been trying to give me for the last month or 2--since all this happened to Sarah. They even have brought this gift to Cleveland and took it home as it wasn't the right time to give it to me. They weren't even sure if this was the right time. As I opened it, I was again so deeply blown away. The picture of me-20 years ago--with those eyes was framed in the most beautiful frame and setting. It gave rich value to the woman and her journey. I felt that I was honored in some sort of deep way by this framing job. I know my eyes still hold deep sorrow. But in those eyes is the most firm hope...the hope of a future in the kingdom of God. Weeping may last for the night--but JOY comes in the morning. I am richer for these gifts, they will travel my year of 2008 with me. They will lighten deep days of grief and remind me of the riches in friends and memories given to me. How rich I am. Wow. I am blown away by the goodness of God in the land of the living.

feels like a big hole

I was thinking of the 9/11 attack yesterday and thought of how the city of Manhatten was so devastatingly affected in the communication and how the city could function and that is how it feels like to me---Like I am the island of Manhattan and a big hole has been blown in me...and there is this gaping hole--and so much devastation---and just trying to go through the wreckage now to see what is there..

Not to say I have experienced that horrific tragedy that took so many lives--but to me, I can think of no greater loss than to lose Sarah. I feel it has impacted me in the most significant way. Christopher too--and many others have been terribly impacted by this tragedy. I can't seem to look past the minute on some days--and certainly not past the day. It is so hard. I am trying to keep writing and talking and connecting---still terribly sucks. ugh...so often, the word is ugh...I write it alot in my journal...ugh...just ugh...like a deep groan...so deep...so aching...

Trying to lean close to Jesus---knowing He is close--holding me. I know people tell me everyday they are praying for me and for Chris all the time...I know it is true and can't imagine what it would be like if they weren't.

Heaven is inviting---life is calling us to live...and to live and grieve with an eternal hope that says we will see her again...and to live it out before everyone. God please help me, help us to do that.

Happy 29th Birthday my dear girl

My dear girl-Happy birthday to you. I hold you in my heart today-as do so many of us. I can't imagine what you are doing today--celebrating and dancing? I can't wait to see you and hug you. It is hard to be on this side of the veil and wonder. To trust and believe that there is the most incredible kingdom of God--full of life and love and no more death, sorrow, tears....

You are the joy of my life. You have brought me the best times. I just have loved you Sarah C so much. I can't imagine the days ahead without your imput. So many people have said that they know what you would say about all the things they think about---they are right...you always spoke with clarity and truth. I loved that about you. Underneath the words you would speak was in incredible love for all of us---to compell us to live our lives better--richer, fuller--not holding back. Going for it.

Today I will celebrate your life--and hold you dearly to me. I will toast to you. I feel you leaning on my back sometimes--out of my sight, but like you are so close. I will hug your dear husband today who misses you so....and encourage him to press on too---we do have the best hope to see you again. We need to live that hope out before others--so they too will believe. We want others to know about heaven and Jesus--and how He is the real deal too.

God help us all today who grieve for our dear bella Sarah to not grieve as though we don't have hope---but to grieve with hope--to see her again. To know that this side of heaven is nothing compared to there. I have to believe Sarah is having the best birthday ever and she is hugging on us today somehow.

She was born at 3:27 p.m today---Sarah Christen Ruksenos Princess...beauty. My angel. What a joy she has been---

I am grateful to have been her mom--the best job I ever have had.

With love to you my dear one---your mom

Days of grey

It has been 6 weeks ago that Sarah died. It has been the most difficult journey I have ever taken so far in my life. This picture was taken in the Cinque Terra with the 2 of them before her death.

I am speechless for words to adequately describe this journey of loss. I know that dear Christopher also has the same loss of words for his journey of the terrible loss of his wife.

In this, we have seen incredible ways that God has moved to bring more clarity and purpose to many of those traveling this road with us. People living more intentionally. It stops one in their tracks-this type of tragic loss.

I yearn more to go to heaven than ever before. I read Hebrews 13 and want to run fast---towards that place-where there is no more pain, nor sorrow, nor tears, nor death. I am numb. I am lost without my dear daughter to call and tell and talk everything over with. I am missing the many calls during the day with no reason other than to call...no one to make future plans for all the things we loved to do. It is hard to think about trying to do any of them again--and not be sad.

I know that many walk this road-and their steps are slowed for a long time.

I pray that God will help both of us--and all the other dear ones who are also grieving--to have the hope of heaven like never before--to press on, to hope in Jesus. To not grieve as one without hope. She was my bright one--a shining joy that will be so missed. I can hardly stand it in some moments....

May our dear Lord help us all. She will be sorely missed...by so many. I am thankful to have had her as my child. In just 11 days, she would have turned 29...and that is even odd---does she always stay 28 now....would have been..... Death is hard--not right, not fair...

ugh...some days are not made for any sense. Those are the days of grey.

Sarah's myspace page

My dear son in law has put together a wonderful page in honor of Sarah. Please feel free to visit it: Here is the link.

MySpace URL:
http://www.myspace.com/yugabanuch

a note God had me find----3 years later today, one month anniversary.

today has had its’ difficult moments for sure…as I was getting some things ready for Chris and Sarah’s friends to come over tonight, I ran across a card Sarah gave me on April 9, 2004, right in the middle of us coming to look at the cottage to rent it….

These cards at the ones with words on the front and she had so many of them—plastered all over her office and would send many to people. This is the one she sent to me:



20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do thank by the ones you did, so throw off the bowlines, said away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Inside she wrote---

Mom, just a small note of encouragement to you this week. I want you to know how very proud I am of all that you are doing in your life right now. It’s so scary sometimes, sailing into the unknown and taking a risk, but I believe what this card says, it was so hard to go through Sunday night with the cottage, but I am glad we did it together. Your courage and faith is a testament to me, and I want you to know how much I admire you for all of this…moving, working, making new friends, exploring new places and revisiting the old. So keep on throwing off those bowlines, because I know God has a plan for you and I will always be right here by your side. I love you, Sarah


This was kind of God today---I so miss her.

dreary day

One month today---dreary, but hopeful...only in the kingdom. thank you God for taking care of that for us...so we could come home when our lives are over..and see one another--those who know you.

Just minute by minute

It is Oct. 24, almost one month since my dear Sarah died tragically after getting hit by the wave in Cinque Terra, Italy. It has been such a month of things to walk through and go through. I am trying minute by minute to live. To breathe, to go on.
I am watching her dear husband Christopher do the same. Trying to find a purpose in the midst of this loss to move us to the next minute. To believe we will see her again in heaven. To know she is doing well-and free in this new eternal land. So many things to believe by faith--to know that on this side of heaven, there is no more of memories, no more talking, shopping, gardening, playing, hanging out, no babies, no laughter...no more of any of it. Ugh...so hard. So depressing...so hard to move to the next minute.
God, I need to know she is there--and so alive in her spirit. Looking at her body empty of life, no spirit, no "Sarah" being present was the hardest thing...to see her lifeless, still...quiet....broken. Now to try to imagine that spirit in Your presence..full of life and joy and being...and that I too will see her again in the most glorious place of heaven.
Help us who are left, find purpose and calling and reason to press on to this high calling...to not get distracted by living in the margin, but to live like we will not fail, not less, but more---not small but large. Help me to know where to place my feet. How to walk this out. Help me be an example to YOU and all you are. Help others to know you and to come into a full relationship with you. Help us to not be afraid, to trust you and lean more and more into you.
Here is the link to her myspace--- http://www.myspace.com/yugabanuch

What a joy she has been to me. My dearest of friends and my dearest daughter. Help me to remember her beauty, inside and out. She touched so many people, she sowed much into her short life. I am deeply proud of her and can hear her also saying---Hey mom, Live!!!

One of her favorite quotes was: "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming, "Wow, what a ride!"

The President of the Cinque Terra penned this poem for her:

"She came from Ohio, to our paradise
From far away the sea, saw her, smiled at her.
The beloved groom, the Via Dell ' Amore,
dreams that come true, her heart beat strongly.
The beloved Cinque Terre from school days,
Riomaggiore, Manarola......
....a white cloud, the halo of a star, embraced Sarah, and thus she becomes even more beautiful.

Franco Bonanini

God has blessed us so much in this past month-many friends, cards, love, care...come Lord and help us to continue to walk this out to your Glory.

Bella Sarah 11-19-78 to 8-27-07

This is the last picture of Sarah taken before she was taken to the sea by a huge wave while she and her husband Christopher were vacationing on the coast of Cinque Terra Italy. This is my dear and only daughter. My dearest of friends.

I have no words at this time for this loss. I wrote so long on this blog mourning the loss of my mom, never knowing that one day I would also write of my daughter.