Creeping into April

It is 2 days before a new month. I am excited to see spring this year. I am always excited to see spring-the buds, the flowers, the leaves, the birds, the warmth that accompanies it all. One of these days, I won't be around for spring-at least here, so each time it comes around now-I appreciate it more.
Today at work, and again, I work at a hospice home care team---we had a remembrance service for our losses---personally and professionally. It was just so powerful. We did a weaving on 2 pieces of ribbon we individually picked out. We had a long piece and a shorter piece. We got to write whatever we wanted on both and then all 30 of us went up one at a time and first put down all the long pieces and then went back and did the shorter ones. Hope that makes sense. There were wonderful colors of ribbons--and all had sacred words written by each person. The one woman who is an art therapist will eventually frame this for our team. Then we went outside and did a balloon launch while words were read. I thought of my mom--and picked a beautiful blue balloon for her. As I let go--I watched the balloon dip and then soar. I watched it with tears streaming down my face till I could see it no more. It has been a year and 3 months since mom departed here. I missed her today as fiercely as I have in days past. But seeing that balloon spin off to a far place brought a sense of adventure---she is probably having a blast~and I will release her at a new level today. Thanks mom, for all you left with me---so many wonderful memories and all. I am grateful today.

It is truly spring---there are many kids heading to the beach tonight to have the first party of the year. The bonfires start tonight! Music, play, it all begins again. I will savor it again this year and be so grateful to have the new season.

Isn't he the most handsome guy!!  

Harry and I summer of 2005 

green pushing up through the ground

I am excited, I see spring pushing its way back into the world. The birds seem to be flying back in in packs, saw my first robin this week, the gulls are singing every morning--yippee!! I am ready. I am smelling it in the air. I can't wait to hang out in the hammock and sink my toes into the warm sand again. I know that Harry-my lab- is more than ready for some water time.
I know that winter has served its purpose this year in my life. I have slowed down and practiced some hibernation. I think I am trying to pay more attention to what the season is doing and mirror it in my soul. I have needed rest and have rested. I want to now go into spring but carry the season of rest into it--and savor it like a grand glass of merlot.

I wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. I am still searching for the fullness that brings me such joy...but wonder if that could truly happen. How come others have this ah ha moment and say--this is all I ever wanted to do and am content. I find myself getting restless when I get unchallenged by something new. The spring will bring some of that to me too-like what new things to explore and discover---I hate to be bored and not discovering new things. I want to have a good vacation this year, but more than that--to have a fullness in my life each day. I hope to discover some new things right within the 25 miles around me.

Well, it is late, need to sleep. Had a good art class tonight. Had a good class today at work on cumulative grief. Just talked about making sure we don't keep adding to the things that lay in our heart hurting. I pray Father tonight that my heart would be light and that if I have carried any things lingering that is time to lay down, that you will reveal it to me and help me to release it to you to go into the new day with a clean heart and a free heart. Thank you Father that you make all things new-just again---like spring!

March came in like a lion

Just am plain tired of the snow and cold. Really hasn't been a bad winter at all-just am ready to be outside more and enjoying the warm. Wonder if we will all move to a warmer place someday? Everyone is on a cruise in the caribbean right now but me and my one brother and his wife who are in Florida---what was I thinking--staying here...hummmm....will plan better in the future.
It is grey and cold, sleeting and snowing. I am on my way out again to art class--even with it being that way, it will be good to create. I think that with the winter so still here, art is a good way to be creating a different place to be for a few hours.
Nothing real serious on my mind---want to live this day well. Tired of snow. Need sun. ugh. Guess the space I am in is itching for a new season. Wonder if it reflects my inner heart? Change is on the horizon I feel. I wait on you Father for you author the seasons in life as well as my heart.

February-the groundhog saw his shadow

It is later evening on Saturday the 11th and the house is warmed by a fire. Just back from a freezing walk near the lake-which is not frozen and the wind is blowing. Harry-my lab was running in the field to get to the lake so had to go after him! Was good to get out there in the wild of the night-wind wild, clouds racing by, full moon between the clouds. I don't mind the snow, but still look forward to spring. The older I get, the more I am thankful for each spring--always wondering when I won't see another one. That sounds morbid, but when you work in hopsice, you realize each day is a gift. We have a 38 year old mom with cancer right now with 2 kids and a husband she is working to say goodbye to. That stops me in my tracks and has me take a serious look at my life. Do I really love what I do and how I spend my day? Have I connected with the ones that mean so much to me? Have I made sure my side of the street is clean and not holding onto grudges or unforgiveness? I still am sorry for broken relationships in my life and for no reconciliation in some. I long for heaven to see how God will allow them to have worked out? I don't know how He will do that, but I know the ones I haven't worked things out with on this side of heaven will see us looking at each other when we get there and I wonder if we will see the fullness of what was impossible here.
I am thankful for my life. I love the goodness of my life. I love my daughter so much. I have had an opportunity presented to do something that would take me from here and back to a place I loved. It has been an incredibly hard transition for the last 3 years to readjust to being back home-and somehow, this last year, I feel I am home-and it somehow has made more sense. I don't want to go back-I want to be near my family and daughter and her husband. I want to be alongside the church I belong to-and to be committed to seeing the kingdom come here. I am feeling older now, I want to be intentional about each day-not filling it so much with activity-not that activity is bad, but to make sure it is balanced with quietness, reflection, quietness, rest and just a good night sleep too! That is funny, but I do love a good night sleep!!
I am thankful for all the opportunities in my life to connect to people I love, and look forward to this year being full of more of that.

Well into winter

It is mid January already. Time just seems to go too fast for me most days. I want to savor the day and it is already over. Was sitting in the hottub tonight watching the full moon, clouds moving across the sky-it was just awesome out! I could n't believe it is such a nice night for a January night. Tomorrow begins another week and it will be the 3 week of the new year already.
I did get all my goals and all completed for the new year so have a map to navigate. I am thankful for the compass of true north. I want to live intentionally this year. Tomorrow starts day one of a heart healthy lifestyle-going to give South Beach a good try. Feel ready to do this, so praying for God's help to do it. Just want to have more energy along with a clearer mind. I need to feel the discipline to carry me day by day.
So much going on in my work world-want to keep the hours that it draws on my reserve for when I am there, not the hours that are outside of work. I also have signed up for a watercolor class that will start soon, that is something I will enjoy. Bible study is going well with alot of growth there. Wish I had more hours to study the Word. I guess that it just needs to be a priority-and will try to make it more of the hours I have free. not much to say tonight. Just to connect.

End of a year, beginning of another 2006

Amazes me how fast time is going by. I just read tonight that it was 6 years ago right now that we were all so concerned about Y2K. I remember thinking that it really was alot about nothing---really was not worried at all. Was wondering what the worst that could happen?? People were so afraid.
The longer I am here, the less I want to worry. I have worried at certain times in my life more than others, for many different reasons. Worry got me nowhere. I really believe leaning into the Father and trusting Him to be there is the best. I hope to practice that more and more in my life this coming year.
We just finished another Christmas without our mom. It was quiet in some ways. We are all trying to make new traditions and all. I did have Sarah and Christopher and Susan over on Christmas eve day and we celebrated well. It was just a wonderful day. We had a good brunch, hottubbed and gifts and a nap before they had to head on. It was a good first time we have done that.
Tonight all of us gathered at Tim's home to have gifts for the kids. They all seemed to have such a good time this year. We took all the traditional pictures of everyone, that was fun to see the changes. It was good to have Barb here too. She needs us and we need her. We all quietly missed our mom, sister, grandma this year. I miss her right now too. Somedays can hardly believe I can't just pick up the phone and call her. I really don't know how people live without the hope of seeing them again. I really love thinking about my mom and dad and sister greeting me in heaven. I love to know about heaven-it has to be so much greater than I could ever even imagine.
Well, another year is right ahead of me. I hope to press into goals and questions soon-and begin to really ponder and carve out the beginnings of what is in my heart to give my time and energy to this year. I hope to become much more healthy, paint more, teach more, give more talks, lean more into ministry, enjoy the water and vacation and spend more time with my family. Gets more simpler the older I am getting. I don't have any desire to go after it anymore. I hope to see more settling of the areas of sadness too in all our lives.
Thankful to get to live and step into another year-what a gift. Thank you God.

Truly Christmas is coming

Truly it is almost Christmas. Just celebrated the first Thanksgiving without my parents---we are now the oldest, with the exception of aunts and uncles. We did well. Even shopped 12 hours on the day after Thanksgiving and did it well-it was Susy's 43 birthday and she made the day a joy!! She took her time throughout the day and loved seeing santa and the marine's collecting money and the waiters who sang to her for her birthday, she took time to hug each of them-even kissed the older marine guy---thanked him. I loved watching her live simply and gently. Sometimes I wonder who is retarded? She seems to live in a zone that I miss so much of the time with all the busyness and craziness of my world and all the demands. She is so much better than a year ago when mom was so sick. She was so terribly depressed.
It is good to see her laughing and having a good time. Funny how fast this year has gone. I know we each miss mom alot-each of us in our own way and special place. There are so many times each of us has wanted to call her and talk to her. Funny though, I have such peace that she is with dad and Nancy and God. It comforts me, I surely look forward to heaven. Where do others hope? Thank you Father for your hope-it is so great, so eternal.
Susan B. is slowly recovering from a major bleed in her brain almost 6 weeks ago. It has impacted so many people, we have so faithfully prayed. She is now recovering. I guess this will happen more and more the older we all get. In the midst of this aging thing, I want to live fully and well---to embrace the moments, to dance when no one is watching-to sing, to play, to paint, to embrace the one's I love. Thank you for the ones in my life who are so important to me. I am grateful.

Fall is moving into winter

Funny how fast the seasons go. The wind is blowing hard tonight-you can almost feel the waves hitting the house with force. My heart is melancholy tonight--blue like this print. My heart was stirred in a way 2 days ago which hasn't happened in a very long time and listening to Sleepless in Seattle hasn't helped it feel less blue.
I wonder about the heart-why it aches so when you feel certain ways. I wonder what makes it ache like it does when you miss someone or long for something you don't have. Seems like medically there really isn't a clear explanation to it---never learned anything about it in school...so when it happens, you want to stop the ache of it---a longing that is deeper than words.
Winter is coming soon-the winds are bringing snow soon. I am glad for a season of quiet-hibernation, slowing down and hunkering in. I hope to read alot this winter, paint more, create more. I am listening to my inner heart-the stirrings and beatings deeply. Trying to live richly, slowly, savoring the minutes-extracting life from the busyness of the days going by.
The holidays are coming-first time for new traditions to help with the old gone now. I pray we embrace them well. May they be gentle and kind and loving. I am grateful for the years gone by.

Last day.....

Today is the last day to visit my mom's house...we finished the move, finished taking all the things out of it, cleaning of it, moving items to their new home---such a strange thing. An end...a new beginning. Birth and death...old and new...always changing, never the same. I feel strangely like life slipping by...no stopping even to remember--without the pressure of things pressing right at your finger tips. I wonder what heaven will be like---will it feel like that--no rest for the wicked---what a saying...it is hard to rest, to grieve, to keep living all at the same time...ah, it is a day done now-and will now go to sleep and a new day will come. Thanks be to God for a wonderful mom-a wonderful home with lots of memories, a great family to love---I am a thankful woman.

First day of fall

Hard to believe the time slipping by. We are in the thick of moving all the treasures out of our mom's house now--as it sold to a really nice woman named Nancy. She loves mom's house and that is a blessing. That is what we had prayed for. But now we need to look and touch each item and decide who will take and keep it and what we will give away. We have purposely avoided doing anything I think-just none of us looked forward to taking her home apart. It has been comforting to go back and visit at times and just remember the good times there. This will close this door forever. We no longer have a parent-but now are the oldest generation other than aunts and uncles. It is odd how fast life goes by. Sometimes I think I am being very depressive with my writing---but it is something I have really had to process in the last year. Ugh!!
Many things to think about these days---but there are also many good things. I am so thankful to have my family and to be home-what a true blessing to be in solid and close relationship with my family.
Have also dreamt about mom and dad and they were on a cruise with us. They were sitting on the bow of the ship looking forward and outward and having a wonderful time---holding hands, laughing and just having such a good time. The rest of us were back a ways and behind like the same things you find in the lines at Cedar Point---could not get near them or to them no matter how hard we all tried---so we finally just stood there and watched them have a great time---it was truly a blessing to my heart.

Summer is coming up on the turn to fall

I can hear the insects that sing in fall outside all day long now. One of my friends visiting last weekend said that it is 90 days till the first snow from when the cicada starts its' song. From when I was small, I was always alittle melancholy when I would hear that song.
It has been a year now since mom was diagnosed and began her treatment and the last 5 months of her life. We are still trying to sell her condo-and will have to close it down soon. I know that will be difficult.
Life still rushes on though-never slowing for a kind moment of silence unless you just decide to take it purposefully.
What a time it is too. Still trying to find purpose in a ministry. Love to pray with all who ask, share the gospel freely and openly with all who seek-and minister to those in need. I think life pretty much is all about those things. Don't know why we try to make it more formal-human nature to try to have events people can come to and belong to. Please God, help all who are searching right now in my life, find you leading the way.
I really don't look forward to winter again so soon. I want to now begin to savor the fall and the changes that brings-warm sweaters, sweatshirts, socks and shoes, colorful leaves, smells of fires, cool mornings, frost, brisk walks outside, more of a view of the lake when the leaves fall, hot chocolate, chili, soups, warm pjs, it really has alot to enjoy!
I am most looking forward to a trip of adventure in 3 weeks with Shari to Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard again--and painting and eating and playing-we do it so well. We did ad some extra days this year to explore-it will be a good time!!
So, going to church now-enjoying the fellowship of my brothers and sisters-and worship. I sure love you God, you are so good.

Memories to carry you

After spending a wonderful time with my group of friends of 15 years, I find myself reflecting on the goodness of God. What I personally brought away from this weekend of renewing friendships will stay with me for a long time. We encouraged one another to press on-inspite of the hardness of life, inspite of the trials of the every day world.
I am renewed-and find that it is a necessity to keep going back to the well to get refreshed. These women are a gift to me from God-and I need their presence in my life. Most of the world doesn't want to need anyone or anything-we pride ourselves on our independence. I don't want to be that way anylonger. I am weak and needy-and leaning on my heavenly Father and the ones he has placed alongside me is good. I am thankful-grateful, and feel encouraged today to know them and to know God. I really don't know how people do it without the intimate relationships where you can be candid and transparent in life and the hard things we walk through.

I miss my mom too, I miss her friendship and her presence in my life. She was not always easy to be around, but there truly is no one like her. I look forward to heaven and seeing her again and getting a mom's hug---And hearing her laugh again. I look forward to my dad's hug and seeing my sister Nancy--wonder what we will look like in the spirit-probably glorious. Seeing an end to death and suffering and pain-wow, that will be wonderful! God, help me press on with the faith that demonstrates all that you say is TRUTH.

Gifted with treasured friends for a lifetime.

I'm a blessed woman-I have been in a group of women that love Jesus for the last 17 years. We are gathering together tomorrow for the weekend-from all different places to laugh, cry, pray, eat, drink, encourage one another-play on the beach--just savor the few hours that God has allowed us again to have together.
I can't wait to hear each of their voices and see their smiles and gather their hugs. It has been too long for me since I was with all of them. I moved 3 years ago and miss the weekly meetings we have. No one has ever been in my life and helped me to dig more into God and become all I can be and am also created by God to be. For these women I am eternally grateful. I am thankful that even though we don't get the time so much here--we will spend eternity together. It doesn't get any better than that!

The last day of July

It is hard to see summer flying by. I say every year that I want to enjoy and savor it---and as the years fly by, I know it is harder and harder to slow it down to do so. I know right now I am about 1/2 way through this summer and I have loved it so far. I am enjoying the top down on my convertible and savoring the wind and the warmth of the sun. I am savoring the time with family and friends-the richness of both--to not miss the moments of time with them.
It is hard to think that one year ago right now, my mom was still here and we didn't know she had cancer-that life was as normal as could be. I want to live well, and laugh and drink it all in these days. I hope I live better from the experience of watching her slowly slip away to heaven.
Just had a wonderful time away at Put in Bay with my daughter-we had 3 days to connect and enjoy each other. What a gift. Time. What a gift.

Wanted to share my mom with you---she is holding her mascot Sophie, her sister Barb's dog who stayed through the whole time with all of us. 

Jazz night 

June in the air

Hard to believe it will be June tomorrow. It is becoming summer here at the lake. The sunset tonight was beautiful. The water was like glass. Took Harry-my chocolate lab to the lake tonight-all he wanted to do was swim, but not tonight---just a walk.
I am somewhat unsettled lately-trying to hear what God wants for me now that a new season is here. Seems like it is quieter than it has been, yet so many things calling to attention and time. I want to do it all-to taste it all, experience it all. Life goes by in some ways so fast you can't even measure the speed. I find myself not able to put it all in order the older I am getting---like when was that? Was it really 5 years ago? Seems like just yesterday, or maybe it was longer....I feel like my mind can 't hold it all together in order anymore. Lots of things are getting less clear too the longer I am moving past them. The things I felt so strong about don't seem so important any longer either. It takes way too much energy to hang on to insignificant things also. Just enjoying God-trying to touch another person, to listen to them-like really listen---not just hear them, but to listen to their behavior, see their eyes and see if they are really saying more than the words they speak.
It is a wonderful time---slower in some ways---if you don't run with the wind of the culture, but walk with God and hearing Him say---look at this person, or watch that or see this...different than where I have been.

how to figure it all out

Today was wonderful out---just a perfect 10 with the weather-nice breeze, beautiful skies and sunset. Work has been pretty hectic. As I get older, I find myself less settled with status quo and wondering where my passion lies as I live out the remainder of my life. As I work in hospice daily, I watch people get a terminal diagnosis and then try to begin to live with a passion to do what they really always wanted to do all along.
I would like to figure that out now, before it is a necessity. I work too long and too hard each day-and find myself then too tired to try to pull together the things I would like to see happen. I want to paint more, create more, read more, study more, walk more, connect more. So, how to do it. I went online to look at life coaching tonight. I know I do like to work alongside someone as they try to figure out what they want to do and to support them as they try to do it. I love sharing the gospel-do the works of Jesus---would still love to pastor. I want to seek you Father to show the direction for the next decade of my life. I don't want to end up just living it out randomly. I don't want to stress too much though, cuz I love the simpliness and solitude I have in my life. Ahhhh, it isn't the first time someone tries to figure this out, so will trust my heavenly Father to help light my way. I do love life, love getting a full glass of it each day-to drink fully and savor it.