Monday, September 17, 2018

Soon to be 11 years my sweet Sarah C.

Early morning. Crickets and other early morning noises. My days are dwindling her till we move. I just sit and am still .

Your death anniversary is coming soon on the 27th. My last day I saw you in person is soon... This week..

Memories swirl all about me trying to pull me in  I resist going to far and too often, they can take me in and trip me up and I lose my balance in living. Loss and grief are not always friendly in their visits. The come softly and bring a smile and a tear... Sometimes great laughter and many tears, but they feel good .. Then comes a place you don't want to go. It's a slippery place. The memories you still find are like broken shards of glass threatening to open healed scars, still so tender... No one mentions them, it is just your heart that slips off the path and finds places that show you the evidence of your death. Then , you fight to swim away  you don't have enough air, you panic..  It is a horrifying place you don't want to go...  And yet, it comes again .. Just like an unwanted wave.

So today, I am here at a another year of marking soon. 11.

People have been asking how I am... So kind of them to remember and ask. I feel seen and loved. They too have their places it is difficult to walk. I see them too. I see their sorrow when our eyes meet and in the silent hug.

I woke the other morning from a dream, a very natural dream... We were ordering Chinese and I heard you tell me, "mom, I'll have sweet and sour pork" and I said, "of course you will , that's all you ever get" . .. And we laughed... Natural... Real .. A moment you were here .. A kiss to your sore momma's heart.  Just for a second  I felt like it never happened .. A gift, a visit ...

So, I may of may not write again ... This year, but this journey is long .

I met finally a woman who wrote to me right after the article was on the Plain Dealer  Her name is Betty, she lost her 52 year old daughter to cancer. She is 95. She is a strong believer. I was so blessed to finally put my arms around her and hold her close. I felt you and Debbie were watching and glad. You both worry about your mommas.

I'm meeting with some of your friends and your Aunt Marty this Friday to watch your high school graduation video ..  It is hilarious. We will laugh and tell "Sarah stories".  Then we will go on our way and try to smile and live.
Long journey ..

Enough for today 


Thursday, April 19, 2018

Sacred ground

I feel like I am walking in a luminal space this these hours. We are with our friends Karen and Joe, remembering our kids, Joey and Sarah.

Tender steps, a 10 year anniversary is before them and just recently in our rear-view mirror.  How? How did we make it this far? Some moments it feels as though it was yesterday, we strain to hear their voices. And yet... It is. So very missed, these 2, "full of life", kids with so much poured into them.
I'm quiet in my heart, holding each beat as we remember... Holds hands and share joy filled memories. Sacred space.


Thursday, September 28, 2017

the day after hangover

this morning, the word-hangover...came to me...a grief hangover...

the first sip and drink of memories is so good...makes you smile...you remember and then you have another and another....

pretty soon, memories become harder...full of the truth of the fullness of your death...and then the sorrow sets in...your heart begins to ache....

deeply.

you see it in other's eyes you are with...the sorrow if full in them too...




























so...today...a tender day of repacking for the journey.  What do you do with a hangover...you take care of yourself...drink alot of water, get a massage...write...rest.

and keep walking on.  It is a road that is long.  I see many others on this same journey.  I call to them, they wave...I see.  i embrace today.  the gift of life.  I hope in heaven...and all that it holds.  

thankful.  what a good day it was, remembering you, being with the ones I love...flowers, toasts, wine, cards...tears...many tears.  Held.

not alone.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

 10 years....in rememberance of you.




















 my fellow travelers...through it all...

 another one who misses you so....





 Finally found....10 years it was right in my bathroom in the Bath and Body Works container...found...and worn....and loved.














So, a year later, marking 10 years.  Some of the pictures marking another year you are gone away.  I feel a bit more like you have been gone a very, very long time. 

I found myself in my studio yesterday, the day before your death, looking around at all the art we have created for our fall show and thought...you have never seen all this, yet I sense you have.  I wish I could hear you say something like, "Wow mom, didn't know you had all this in you." ...in your really amazed voice...of course, holding a big glass of Merlot, getting ready to toast it all.

You were an amazing part of my life.  You grew into fullness and vigor...and such passion---unleashed.  Many who knew you were drawn to that fullness of life.  Me too---I was amazed at the beauty you had become.  I remember your battles when you were young...so many...yet, you pressed in and on, you did your work.  

So, here we are, a year later...still missing you, still here.  Someday, we will be gone too.

my heart aches...a fierce ache...a deep place that water doesn't seem to reach quite yet, so soften.  I feel like part of me left for sure when you did.  Something I will never recover in this life.  It is a mom's part...left a hole...a place never filled or fixed.  a limp.

many have continued to journey this road near me...this year has been full of life.  many new memories made.  yet,  your voice is silent...even if we often say what we thing you would say...it is still in our false "Sarah's" voice...and we laugh...and then each of us is quiet in that place and we miss you.  

The day is beginning to get light out...coffee feels warm in my belly.  Candles and music and the smell of roses scent the air.   The day will begin...we will do our best to toast you...try not to slide into the place of death memories that still haunt us uninvited.  That is not a place to be.  To live...so, again...I say, I love you my sweet girl, my sarah c.   my pumpkin noodle.  you were the best...can't wait to see you again.  

your mom....
and your dad who misses you so too.