Thursday, September 22, 2016

Sept 22, 2016

i have learned that the weeks and days coming up to the anniversary of your death are days to be very gentle, careful...navigate with eyes open...heart soft.  watch out for the distractions and interruptions...be slow to speak, slow to make big decisions.  make sure to get enough sleep, eat well, stay hydrated.  talk short about the stories that are near to the surface...be careful yet real.

don't try to answer the question ahead of time---"what do you want to do on the 27th?" when asked because I don't know..and even if i think i know, i will probably do something else that day...as i am trying just to get through this day.

i have learned that i want to be in the Cinque Terre during this time, every time...not here.  i feel lost in this land when it didn't happen here...it happened there and here it feels like i am a stranger...without any map or place to go that feels like it honors you...holds you...not that others don't deeply miss you and grieve so much and life is so changed for them too.

since i have been there, the images of that place swirl all the time...the air, the water, the town of manarola, riomaggoire, vernassa, all of them...the people, the food, the smells...the walkway, the stairs up and the stairs down...and the garden and the statue, the church, the compass...the steps we sat on, the playground, the flowers and the bushes, the bench, the view...the flag...the harbor...the statue of that beautiful woman holding the grapes...so naked in her beauty...and her story.

the plaque, the flowers, the bottle with sand and treasures from our beach...the vase that holds your picture...and then the memories of sitting below before the ceremony...hearing horns playing....wondering what and where that music was coming from.............

so, here seems so foreign...so distant...far from the heart land...

so glad we got to go back...Rick with me...my sister and aunt...so dear and near every step...every day...and they have their own grief...their own journeys they take every year...each season...seeing it all over their faces too.

grief...

sorrow.

loss.

just today.
today...i will keep breathing, walking slowly, eating well, sleep well, hydrate...have hope in heaven.

this year, Harry is gone...he was so close to me after you died...and now he is gone too...

never get better at doing this.  never were supposed to.

heaven. so glad...can feel it....sense it, love to lean into the soft, thin veil...feel and sense...

how to end this...well it is just today...will stop today.  missing...

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Now this is a big heart rock.....

Sarah C...you never do anything small...never...hahahaha

You always walked with a firmness, even little with an authority that commanded attention.  You filled a room--with beauty and presence.  I have silently asked the Father for a touch from you in these very tender days of your death month...a touch to let me know...somehow...you are....you are fully alive...fully living in the kingdom...fully all you will ever be.

I miss you fiercely, your presence...your beauty, your fullness in all life.

Your dad and I were sitting on the beach last night watching this sunset...it is fall and the season is changing...

As we sat on the log...you can see it in the middle of this pic, I saw the top of this rock only.  I am always on the hunt for heart rocks to give away.  I could only see the top 2 inches of it.  As we sat there, I wondered if it would be a heart rock or like so many others, not. 

As we got up to leave after the sun had fully set, I walked over and brushed off the sand...and WOW!!! It was the biggest and best.  I laughed right out loud...it was like...wow!!!  Never have I seen or found a rock like that...hahahahahahahahaha...and knew somehow you sent it to us...to kiss us and encourage us...press on to us...and sending the love and hug...and kiss....

I am touched so very deeply Sarah....God....thank you...

from a sore momma's heart.

thankful today....

Sunday, September 11, 2016

2016~9 years almost

September 2016

the month of my loss is here again.  I find myself up early-not sleeping well.  I don't have these days often like I did 9 years ago.  I forgot how to sleep during the days after you died.

My mind is handicapped again and I am looking and searching for the things to help me navigate these days again.  

I have tried to prepare myself again to walk carefully through these days that bring too many memories that are to difficult to handle again.  

I just want to get on a plane and then a train and go--go to this place of pure beauty that you lost your dear young life.  To smell the air, feel the breeze, see the waves that mounted and destroyed you...to try to understand how...

I am so far away...so very far.  There is no place to go that helps me right now, I find myself getting so restless.  So much fragmented.  No words.  Many remember and come nearer and seem to sense this place and want to help.  I am so sorry...I don't know what to say and how to help you when I can't help myself.

I miss you dear, dear Sarah.  I can't even begin to tell you how much.  You were just my joy...heaven seems too far for me today to hope for.  I know it is to come...but seems so far...yet I will continue to hope.

I was laying in bed thinking this month I should wear a handicapped sign somehow--something that would warn others that I am more fragile, I can't trust my mind with things I say or do.  I don't even want to think too much and surely the things I do and think have this coloring of this loss that is too big again...swirling in my heart and mind.

I want to do better, yet again it crashes over me--and seems to want to destroy me.  I hang on...center my mind.  Avoid the thoughts and memories that can take me right out.  Seeing again...the horrors of it all.  I can't live here, so try again to push them away, yet they slip in...like a blown head gasket...dripping all over me and my eyesight..then down over my heart...and leave this oily stain that only lots of tears take away.  Tears that seem to have again built up and need release in the worst way...tears that heal yet hurt.

my sweet girl...this blog holds so many memories...so many pictures..so much.  I am thankful it is still here when the night hours betray me and I come in the dark again to find this page...a place to leave some of what is drowning me.

tragedy...i see it on faces and know it.  Rick and I went to see the movie Sully a few days ago--I cried through most of it.  they lived.  you did not.  my memories revisited bring no new ending...just sorrow.  I am careful.  I don't know how many pictures this year I can post of you.  I don't know what helps this time or what will lead me to that place I get lost.  I hate that place of lostness.  Unsafe.  

Centered...Focused...Jesus...heaven...hope....held.  Recalculate...recalculate...

loved.  You were deeply loved and cherished.  I wonder if my mind will bear me ever trying to write this story.  It is so tragically beautiful with so many treasures that i hold so close to my heart...so many wonderful parts...just wish you were actually still alive to share and laugh with.  

Sarah C...my dear girl...Just a touch through the veil this morning to you.  I am actually right in the spot we held over and over again for the last time as I write this--the night we said goodbye....I think you just are letting me know that somehow...I do remember how we held and held..and said goodbye.  over and over...like somehow we deeply knew.  sweet one, sweet girl.  beautiful woman...well loved.  how i love you.  how i miss you.  

Friday, April 08, 2016


I wake today with sorrow in my heart.  I will be meeting in a few hours with my oldest friend from my childhood whom I haven't seen in 45 years...she lived around the corner from me and we lost touch shortly after high school.  We were best friends in grade school and after that, stayed friends but not that close then.

I moved away and lost touch with many friends after my divorce and then returned back home 16 years later....and didn't reconnect with many.  Just life changed...but back here where I grew up.  I have reconnected in the last few years with some friend, but never could find Annie....tried over and over.

At my class reunion last year, I finally found a friend who knew where she was...but she told me this dear friend had lost a son in a shooting in California with drugs involved when he was fleeing the police--shot in a high speed chase 3 years ago...and she was not doing well.

We connected via email...the posts were short....things like...I know you lost a son from me.

I know you lost your daughter from her.....big gaps and meaning in those short sentences.

we haven't spoken yet...but we will meet today, both driving 45 minutes from home.

my heart is sore.  She is just celebrating the 3rd anniversary last week.  I am not many years past that, but seems this morning as tender as then.

What a life.  What a journey...

i posted a painted I have done--it is copied from a much more famous one requested by my daugher in law--from Chris...his new wife...and it is release of grief...it somehow touches my heart today as I go....

may we both release more grief, while we lean, hold hands...touch lives.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

maybe tomorrow will start better

how in the world does it ever make sense.

i got up, the alarm went off...i started the day like the other days, only it wasn't another day...it is today and today followed days of remembering...and i had to work for the first time in 8 years on the days after instead of the time to rest...and recover...and my heart hurt and my body ached..and i just decided the morning needed more bed time, time in my Father's arms to rest.

so i did...and i still haven't quite stood back up...and flying is definitely out of the picture today.

this journey is slow and steady...and carefully navigating the moments and listening to a sore heart...of sorrow...and missing.

i am better---what the hell does that mean?  better.....

but i am more....
more able to walk....
i think....
my mind doesn't just default to crash and burn....
i know many walking along and know that they have probably slowed their steps to wait till i get my footing...as i wait for them when they loose theirs...

so today, gentle day...
soft air, soft thoughts.
put things away...back to a new place...let life slowly slip back in.  my full life i am trying hard to live well...with hope.

a hope that has nothing to do with this world...a hope of an eternal kingdom to come---with a fullness and LIFE that is not to be seen in my failing eyes, but i strain to peer through the thin veil...and see...because i have had touches from that land, my Father...
sometimes even think my girl.

so, another day...soft footsteps.  gentle...cared for...
loved...
known.

Monday, September 28, 2015

day after...pack it away...

 so, it is the day after....
for days and weeks, memories come and are shared...then the day before and the day of....the celebration of your life begins...

now, the day after...
to pack it away-in order to live. and it never fits the way it was before...nothing ever goes back in the way it came out.  i have changed, somethings are different in me, so not sure how to repack it in order to have it fit.
i don't think i ever will get this, and that is ok today.  unless you have lost great, you don't know about this yet.  the repacking.  the careful, picking up tenderest things and carefully folding them back into a shape...to put away.
in order to live.



the sun sets.  another year...

 so many things to tuck away to live.  to breathe, to keep on....

 tender memories...


and then...a soft touch of wine to a sore heart.  again.  grateful.  sad.  tired.  worn.
right now, i just hate this place.
i still don't get a vote.
i know i will do better...soon....
just today, it is quiet.
the day has passed.

that's all for now.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

8 x 12 =96

96 full moons since you died.

and another super moon

beautiful, bright, wakes you up from sound sleep moon....creeps across your face and lets you know it is there.  shines on your soul and almost quietly warms you--not like the sun, just like the moon.  slowly slips away, room gets darker...and then it is gone.

sometimes I feel your presence Sarah.  slips in quietly, warms my heart, then slips away.

hard to have so many moons gone by.  hard to have momentos to remember you instead of you.

you-so full of light, laughter...made a room come alive the minute you walked in.  you never took no for an answer there--always full, always present.

sometimes i laugh right out loud when i remember times that bring tears to my eyes.

the thing i hate about today--you being gone--in such a quick and tragic way-is that i still ponder how did you process it happening, what were your thoughts...i had the privilege, as did others...to listen to you--read your thoughts...know you and this is one time we are all left not knowing...not knowing your heart at the last moments of your precious life.

not a good and safe place for me to stay, the edge of this place is sharp...it draws me in....more on this day...my muscles aren't as strong to pull away...i feel drawn to come nearer again...to step closer, to listen...and yet it is as quiet as ever....no words, none.

i am a mom still, sometimes i have written that that is really over...what an ass...i am a mom...it is in me.  i may be your "past tense mom" in a way that we don't actively do this in life now...but am always your mom...best job ever....

but i am finding out that i still am a mom....and love being a mom when i am a mom...now that can make you a bit crazy, but it is what it is....i love my new kids, who aren't so new anymore...but more and more mine.  i share them with this woman who is gone--in heaven, and somehow, she is sharing my sarah with me...can't wait till she and i talk about this journey....

i have learned alot in all this 96 full moons...

i think i am closer to writing my book about all this---and hope that people let me write the way i do--non-gramatical and from my heart.  i hope i remember all the things, but this blog has many of them...it is such a beautiful and tragic story...my oh my.

i also have begun a new journey, saw that my friends-some on this childless journey with me, are also starting new paths.  that gives me great hope.  i began to do the Ignatius Spritual Exercises this week.  I sense it is right on time for me.  my soul feels stirred in a place of wonder.

so, it is early today, just 6:30 a.m.  Rick and Harry are still sleeping.  The candles are lit...the sacred space to remember is on the porch with flowers from Rick and Scott and Laura and kids....

it is again, a very sacred day.
she never knew what was about to happen...she had no idea.  no fear...so precious, my girl.

help me to keep on...help Chris, who misses her so, yet strains like me to embrace and live fully...help all of us-so many who loved her so well.  

thank you God for these days we had her.
the days i had her.
i hate to miss her, it aches so.

simple table with simple things, ashes, a seagull, candles, the small statue of the little girl I got in switzerland so long ago...her scarves she loved and wore so well...red roses and calla lilies, her green empty flower pot boots--empty on purpose....a jar of shells and broken things...reminding me of her brokenness...and a willow tree woman remembering.....simple, yet so meaningful...

my finger tips still touch these separate keys, intentionally trying to draw from my heart, my thoughts and still fumble along...missing keys, missing the right letter...sometimes i find the key immediately, sometimes i have to delete, or pause...so it is life....just fumbling along...trying and retrying and do overs...and just then hit publish.
it is the best i can do today.