Friday, April 08, 2016


I wake today with sorrow in my heart.  I will be meeting in a few hours with my oldest friend from my childhood whom I haven't seen in 45 years...she lived around the corner from me and we lost touch shortly after high school.  We were best friends in grade school and after that, stayed friends but not that close then.

I moved away and lost touch with many friends after my divorce and then returned back home 16 years later....and didn't reconnect with many.  Just life changed...but back here where I grew up.  I have reconnected in the last few years with some friend, but never could find Annie....tried over and over.

At my class reunion last year, I finally found a friend who knew where she was...but she told me this dear friend had lost a son in a shooting in California with drugs involved when he was fleeing the police--shot in a high speed chase 3 years ago...and she was not doing well.

We connected via email...the posts were short....things like...I know you lost a son from me.

I know you lost your daughter from her.....big gaps and meaning in those short sentences.

we haven't spoken yet...but we will meet today, both driving 45 minutes from home.

my heart is sore.  She is just celebrating the 3rd anniversary last week.  I am not many years past that, but seems this morning as tender as then.

What a life.  What a journey...

i posted a painted I have done--it is copied from a much more famous one requested by my daugher in law--from Chris...his new wife...and it is release of grief...it somehow touches my heart today as I go....

may we both release more grief, while we lean, hold hands...touch lives.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

maybe tomorrow will start better

how in the world does it ever make sense.

i got up, the alarm went off...i started the day like the other days, only it wasn't another day...it is today and today followed days of remembering...and i had to work for the first time in 8 years on the days after instead of the time to rest...and recover...and my heart hurt and my body ached..and i just decided the morning needed more bed time, time in my Father's arms to rest.

so i did...and i still haven't quite stood back up...and flying is definitely out of the picture today.

this journey is slow and steady...and carefully navigating the moments and listening to a sore heart...of sorrow...and missing.

i am better---what the hell does that mean?  better.....

but i am more....
more able to walk....
i think....
my mind doesn't just default to crash and burn....
i know many walking along and know that they have probably slowed their steps to wait till i get my footing...as i wait for them when they loose theirs...

so today, gentle day...
soft air, soft thoughts.
put things away...back to a new place...let life slowly slip back in.  my full life i am trying hard to live well...with hope.

a hope that has nothing to do with this world...a hope of an eternal kingdom to come---with a fullness and LIFE that is not to be seen in my failing eyes, but i strain to peer through the thin veil...and see...because i have had touches from that land, my Father...
sometimes even think my girl.

so, another day...soft footsteps.  gentle...cared for...
loved...
known.

Monday, September 28, 2015

day after...pack it away...

 so, it is the day after....
for days and weeks, memories come and are shared...then the day before and the day of....the celebration of your life begins...

now, the day after...
to pack it away-in order to live. and it never fits the way it was before...nothing ever goes back in the way it came out.  i have changed, somethings are different in me, so not sure how to repack it in order to have it fit.
i don't think i ever will get this, and that is ok today.  unless you have lost great, you don't know about this yet.  the repacking.  the careful, picking up tenderest things and carefully folding them back into a shape...to put away.
in order to live.



the sun sets.  another year...

 so many things to tuck away to live.  to breathe, to keep on....

 tender memories...


and then...a soft touch of wine to a sore heart.  again.  grateful.  sad.  tired.  worn.
right now, i just hate this place.
i still don't get a vote.
i know i will do better...soon....
just today, it is quiet.
the day has passed.

that's all for now.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

8 x 12 =96

96 full moons since you died.

and another super moon

beautiful, bright, wakes you up from sound sleep moon....creeps across your face and lets you know it is there.  shines on your soul and almost quietly warms you--not like the sun, just like the moon.  slowly slips away, room gets darker...and then it is gone.

sometimes I feel your presence Sarah.  slips in quietly, warms my heart, then slips away.

hard to have so many moons gone by.  hard to have momentos to remember you instead of you.

you-so full of light, laughter...made a room come alive the minute you walked in.  you never took no for an answer there--always full, always present.

sometimes i laugh right out loud when i remember times that bring tears to my eyes.

the thing i hate about today--you being gone--in such a quick and tragic way-is that i still ponder how did you process it happening, what were your thoughts...i had the privilege, as did others...to listen to you--read your thoughts...know you and this is one time we are all left not knowing...not knowing your heart at the last moments of your precious life.

not a good and safe place for me to stay, the edge of this place is sharp...it draws me in....more on this day...my muscles aren't as strong to pull away...i feel drawn to come nearer again...to step closer, to listen...and yet it is as quiet as ever....no words, none.

i am a mom still, sometimes i have written that that is really over...what an ass...i am a mom...it is in me.  i may be your "past tense mom" in a way that we don't actively do this in life now...but am always your mom...best job ever....

but i am finding out that i still am a mom....and love being a mom when i am a mom...now that can make you a bit crazy, but it is what it is....i love my new kids, who aren't so new anymore...but more and more mine.  i share them with this woman who is gone--in heaven, and somehow, she is sharing my sarah with me...can't wait till she and i talk about this journey....

i have learned alot in all this 96 full moons...

i think i am closer to writing my book about all this---and hope that people let me write the way i do--non-gramatical and from my heart.  i hope i remember all the things, but this blog has many of them...it is such a beautiful and tragic story...my oh my.

i also have begun a new journey, saw that my friends-some on this childless journey with me, are also starting new paths.  that gives me great hope.  i began to do the Ignatius Spritual Exercises this week.  I sense it is right on time for me.  my soul feels stirred in a place of wonder.

so, it is early today, just 6:30 a.m.  Rick and Harry are still sleeping.  The candles are lit...the sacred space to remember is on the porch with flowers from Rick and Scott and Laura and kids....

it is again, a very sacred day.
she never knew what was about to happen...she had no idea.  no fear...so precious, my girl.

help me to keep on...help Chris, who misses her so, yet strains like me to embrace and live fully...help all of us-so many who loved her so well.  

thank you God for these days we had her.
the days i had her.
i hate to miss her, it aches so.

simple table with simple things, ashes, a seagull, candles, the small statue of the little girl I got in switzerland so long ago...her scarves she loved and wore so well...red roses and calla lilies, her green empty flower pot boots--empty on purpose....a jar of shells and broken things...reminding me of her brokenness...and a willow tree woman remembering.....simple, yet so meaningful...

my finger tips still touch these separate keys, intentionally trying to draw from my heart, my thoughts and still fumble along...missing keys, missing the right letter...sometimes i find the key immediately, sometimes i have to delete, or pause...so it is life....just fumbling along...trying and retrying and do overs...and just then hit publish.
it is the best i can do today. 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Almost 8

Almost 8....
















September 26, 2015
7 years and 264 days since you took your very last breath.
Tomorrow we walk across the 8th year threshold of years you have been gone. Supposed to be a super moon....that is just plain something to me....

I know now that we will never miss you less, never learn to walk without a limp...and somehow that is all ok.  I am just a mom who has learned to move along towards heaven in a way that may never make sense to me or anyone who is watching.  I have been blessed, by my Father in Heaven, to send a companion to journey with--my husband Rick...who finds himself grieving this year for a daughter he only met for 10 minutes and now knows so many stories, but not her.  God...I look forward to the day the 2 of them meet and get to hold on to one another for the first time--that is if it works out that way that I get to see that.

I have been thinking all morning about this is the last day she ever had of 24 full hours and that a day given to us is such a gift.  We take that so much for granted.  Wow...never thought of it before that way.  I know she and Chris had a great day today--their last full day together.  He fights to live well...please God continue to help him....to live.  To embrace the gifts in his journey now too.

So, Rick just brought Red Roses and Calla Lilys, which she loved, sunflowers for me, which I love...Scott and Laura and kids just sent a bouquet to us too--and a toast.  The flower guy came down Bob's hill, our neighbor, and I am pretty sure he fell coming down to deliver them--had a big bump on his forehead and a big scrape on his face.   So, he made it and we sent him back up the stairs...

So today, my sweet Sarah C.....
I miss you so.  I miss all the memories we didn't get to make...the kids you never had...not getting to watch you be a mom...but I did get to witness more than some and less than others....so each of us who grieve...I have learned, we never get it all...just what we get.

So, I am thankful...for all I got.  Thankful to know you, love you...watch you become who you got to become...see you touch others in your life.  see you love and encourage and kick people in their butts to live fuller.  I got to see you embrace your healing in your soul.  I am proud of you--more and more and surely look forward to seeing you again someday....

my heart aches.  Just does.  it is the way of the road of this loss.  It sucks most of the time...and is a fight to not slip into that and be in despair...but live in hope of heaven to come.

So, that is all my heart has to say right  now...just am glad/sad...missing you so.

Friday, August 28, 2015








































































So, when you don't write for a year...you put the words into pictures for the journey.  I think of my blog and write in my head....but here are some of the events with some older pictures for my to help remember this full year.

This last month has brought some of the deep sorrow back.  I saw a friend-Linda, from Colorado a few weeks ago and shared the pictures of Sarah's death and the mortuary and the fullness of it all.  She only knew Sarah as a small girl...but wanted to share this with her and she wanted to see it.  Not many ask to see any of these days anymore--maybe  they want to see, but don't think it is good to ask or make me go through it all again.  It is ok...I am still day by day remembering and walking and sometimes it is nice to have a hand to hold as I journey through the memories.

We are near the dear and tender month of Sept again too---it is all dear...it is all sacred to me.  Her final exit from this short and wonderful life.  I surely miss her, never diminishes...the love I have for my sweet Sarah is now co-shared with my by my dear husband who has grown to love her more through the stories many have shared with him...so our tears mix together in grief now...what a blessing to me. Since writing last year, my sweet sister Susan also has gone to heaven...and I can see the 2 of them together, both whole....laughing and so glad to be home.  I surely miss Susy too--as do so many....she is having the time of her life...I am sure....but our lives surely have a hole.

My brother Tim also lost his wife of 42 years on July 4.  was a tender year for sure....

So, this is all for today....just a good life....a hard life.
it is what it is...as my dear brother Tim always says.