Just can't sleep. My mind goes where it wants, even as I try to be careful. Memories of these last days before you died... Thinking how fully you were living, how happy you both were, in Paris, in Lake Como... Last fling before you started your family.... So full. You lived backpacking. The 2 of you were so excited to go, to step away and you could show him how to do this. I love that Chris flew to Spain to see you in the fulness of your travels and finds love together. This trip was to be your trip. We were to see you in Rome and Venice... Missing your train in Paris by 1 minute made it all change... But, I do know the Father had your last day in his plan... This was not a mistake, yet it can drive my mind crazy at times...
These nights after you died were the worst... Long hours till dawn... I remember these hours on nights like tonight. I miss Harry, he always stayed next to me. He somehow knew. Rick would come out and be by me if I asked, but even he knows I need to just write.
Does it help? At least words get out of my head. Too many thoughts and replays... Over and over... Nearer the day now of your death. Chris is in it too... Holding on. Trying to stay from the wave. That wave....
Smellls and sounds from that land. So much kindness, so much sorrow. The church is probably remenbering her... So touches me... Wish I could be there, then I wouldn't have to imagine it, I'd be present, I'd smell the air. Somehow it would be a comfort. I am too far away... No place to go... Hard.
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