Thursday, September 18, 2008

almost a year....



We
Those without wings
Bounded to the sky
With blue thin thread
Wepoor toys
we love each other
So what the seagull have wings?
and have memories
When the same..Sad
somewhere
on a foreign shore
and forgotten
We poor toys...
we die..
People ask me where I find these photos--and the words above are the translation....
I feel blessed to find them..they help me to find the heart of my sorrow on some days. I am full right now--of anticipation of next week...the one year anniversary of dear Sarah's death.
Everyone is asking...."How are you?" I don't know what to say, but answer...Fine...but deep in my heart...just have sadness. I want to begin to live better...it has been a very long year. I can hardly believe that it has been now a full year since I heard your voice talking to me for real on the phone...as we didn't take our phones on our trips....thinking it would be a bother to try to keep them charged in a foreign land.......
soooo, I still have your voice messages stored on my phone and listen to you sing happy birthday for 2 different years and other sweet messages I saved...and that helps.
Moving on in grief is a wild journey-and so original for each of the ones traveling their assigned road. I have been so blessed with many walking with me-and a sweet and tender husband now too. Yet...it is so solitary...the ache in your heart that stays just like the beat of your heart....just a part of the life of grief. tears that have carved a path in your face from the familiar road they travel. the sadness that you fight to keep from weighing you down every day...keeping you on some days from being able to take full breaths...and causing you to stoop and not see as well.
I am working hard to lift my head up these days....to see...to see the life all around me.
But just do miss you my girl. So many do...you touched many...loved many...
how can you really be so gone? Just so gone.

1 comment:

Connie said...

What amazes me on this wild journey ride that you're on, is that you've never released the seat belt and tried to jump off. What I see is a daughter of trust, knowing that the Conductor of the ride has her best interest at heart. I'm so very proud of you for staying the course, through the ups and downs, zigs and zags, ins and outs; you've remained seated and I'm sure you will until the ride comes to a complete stop. And when that happens, Sarah will be waiting for you, happy that you were brave enough to buckle into a coaster you never wanted to ride.