Thursday, September 25, 2008

closer


getting closer to the year date of your death. spent the afternoon on the beach and writing in my journal and reading all the entries from last year at this time. I didn't talk with you on the phone ever again after the 19th...ugh...
you called me so many times that day as we drove to the airport--even when we landed in NY-talked and talked...didn't know it was the last...
still have your messages on my phone---love to hear your lighthearted laugh and encouraging words..and hearing you call me mom. didn't know how much that word would be missed. never to be called mom again by you in life. don't know what heaven will mean for how we will relate...is such a mystery to me about the spiritual life we will live...it will be grander than I can imagine...but for this minute...i am sad to not be hearing you say it again...or even MOTHER!!! You loved to say that when you wanted my attention NOW. When you were serious...or just frustrated with me not paying attention to you at that minute! LOL
Sarah, you were the best. I miss you more than words can say---can't figure out how to arrange enough words out of letters to say it all. Loved it, loved our time...all of it. reread the journal of last year. wow---was pretty broken, pretty sad, pretty defeated...overwhelmed in grief...
am better now---try to stay away from the black hole of grief, doesn't mean I miss you less...and all...just is better...life is better...but miss you the same...that probably won't ever change...miss hearing you, being with you--dreaming with you, playing with you, laughing with you...all of it...will always be a big empty place...no one can fill it. life does move on....have to keep moving...keep believing...keep hoping in some great place called heaven where no more tears, no more death...no more of this yuck of life and death...we were never made to understand nor cope with death...I just can't do it...can't ever figure out how to...
unless you lose the dearest thing---you don't know what I am talking about---you just don't, so don't try to get it...it just is impossible to imagine...
Treasure it all---love life...live it, savor it....don't wait to have it come to you---go for it...hug it tight, but it still is never yours...we just get to be part of it, never owning it or possessing it. just is the facts of it all. it still is good---just isn't yours.

5 comments:

Maryklepac said...

I have no words to express how I feel, but I love you and appreciate your willingness to allow us the priviledge of seeing your heart toward our loving Father and your beautiful daughter and your world. Thank you. You are an encouragement and a joy!

Marty said...

Parable of Immortality
( A ship leaves . . . )
by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a peck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, ‘There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
‘There she goes! ‘ ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
‘Here she comes!’

I am grateful that Sarah had so many wonderful people on the "other side" greet her with a glad shout. And I know, she will be there excitedly saying "Here she comes!" for you, my dear sister. Until then... I am grateful that you are here with me... and having chosen life! I think Sarah is too... for her time now is not like our time. She in her fullness... us still broken and in pain... clinging to our redemptive God, who amazingly in all of this, brings goodness.

I love you more than words can ever say!

obewan said...

I saw your story in the paper today and I was compelled to write this for your daughter.

By the Granite Coast (for Bella Sarah)

By the granite coast she stood.
Her love at her side, watching the swells
Gazing toward a city rising
Above the sea, salty sweet in the air.

By the granite coast she stood.
A life to live, days to love
Lay ahead in the great expanse of time
Not yet realized, salty sweet in the air.

By the granite coast she stood.
Bella Sarah smiling, radiant under sun
Deep brown hair shimmering
Tangled by the wind, salty sweet in the air.

By the granite coast she stood.
A beautiful life captured, carried off with the wind
Stricken townspeople left to console
All crying ‘Corragio’, salty sweet in the air.

By the granite coast she stays.
Her soul at rest, with God by her side
Bella Sarah’s laugh still echoes
In the crashing waves, salty sweet in the air.

ds401 said...

Hi.
I read the story about your daughter Sarah and you. I understand. I lost my son, my only child, my best buddy, my everything. I want to thank you for your writings. They helped me to understand. I believe the happiness comes when an even reminds me of something we or he did when he was alive. His classmate made a rest in peace page on FB in Jims memory. As you may know it is nice to visit the memory pages and see the photos. I am glad you too had a wonderful relationship with your daughter Sarah. I think we were both very fortunate to have experienced such a beautiful time with our children.

nancy m
unedited

christine said...

http://www.myspace.com/yugabanuch

here is Sarah's myspace--for anyone wanting to see her, see all about her---the stories and all.

love the writings from you--are hugs to my heart. thank you!

Chris