Monday, July 21, 2014

finding a place to walk

in life, i don't always know where i am, where to walk, where to move forward.

much has changed in my life.

a life role i had is mom.

i am not a mom anymore.

it just is what it is.

i was for almost 29 years.   good years, loved them.

i live in a new land now.  

i am not always sure where that land it and who i am in the land.

i somehow realized it today...like never before.

I was Sarah's mom.  Sarah is gone.  Gone with her is that role, that great place i loved so well.

no matter what, that is over.

seems like it has taken me a long time to realize that in the deepest place.

so, now...

how to live, how to walk...

where I am invited.  where it builds from relationship.

whew....

3 comments:

megan said...

<3 love to you.

Karen said...

It is another place of grief. The realization that the job we loved so well is no longer needed. I get it, at least in part. I am no longer mothering a son. I miss how he hugged me, so tall, and I couldn't reach his shoulders. I miss the talks, sharing food, listening to his stories, his music, his jokes. He wouldn't take much advice from me, but he was so tender to me. No one else can fill that place. I know you miss your vibrant beautiful artistic amazing Sarah. I know she misses you...your place in her life and the role you held as yours alone. You created beauty and you loved her well, and that is something extraordinary. Love you.

Karen Gerstenberger said...

Dear Chris, my heart hurts with yours as I read these words. I wish I could take the pain away. Please know that we stand with you as you face this different, fresh awareness of loss.
I see you as a mother forever (just as Mary will always be the mother of Jesus), and your mother-qualities are desperately needed in this world, but I do not mean to argue with your realization. That is yours, and it is sacred. I only mean that every one of your beautiful qualities is created, needed and loved by God...and you are treasured by those who know and love you. I pray that God's love will help to soothe the hurt, and that He will open the way for your great gifts to be celebrated and given.