excitement in the days ahead, carrying the tears

there is joy in the days ahead. there is excitement at the joy others have for me, for us. I am excited to think that God would bring a dear man along my side at this season in my life, to journey with and discover. even in the season of loss, there is life. how can one hold both. some moments, it seems like these two blur together-and take on their own aroma. an aroma that i have not smelled before-rich, distinct. full of life and full of eternal richness.

i know i appreciate this season like i have no other before because it is so unexpected. i have learned loss and the momentaryness of life..so to savor the moments given...that will sometimes abruptly be taken away. i will not hold hard and fast, but loose and with the freedom to savor and enjoy--and not be afraid. i will not allow the loss of sarah to taint how i live today. she would be furious to learn i began to live in fear. i will not hold on and live carefully or without risk--i will enjoy and be brave, i will embrace the new, try new things, drink fully and completely--i will not take fear with me to this new land. it has not been a friend, but a foe. it has been an unwelcome traveler, one that buys it's own ticket and acts like it is your long lost companion---reminding you of things that make it seem like it belongs. it waits for the moments to sneak in and lean in close--cutting off your breath and diminishing the flame of hope. i will not welcome it--i will not. JESUS, you are my constant-you are my hope, you are the only one welcome to continue with me in this new strange land i have not gone to before. YIPPEEEEE, God i am so excited...and am still carrying tears. they fall freely and splatter sometimes all over the joy--but the colors mix to unusual and beautiful pastels---and extend beyond borders...and make their own markings and designs. i love the way they mix....and they bring a depth to my soul that has not been there ever before. God--you have been kind to teach me these things...in the midst, on this journey...you are kind. you are so my Father.