journey is long, hard

sometimes it is just a hard road. i ache, not every day, but when the grief comes, it is deep. i ache today--and have for a few days. just the holidays probably. have thought of so many people these last days who have lost others---children, parents, spouses, friends. then i ache more. just want to go to heaven on those days...and moments and be done with grieving.

i get sick of the ache, it tries to befriend me and i never want to be its' friend. never. it is not something i have sought out--and when you begin to talk about it with someone who has not had a loss like this---i can see it in their eyes---the fear....

it is fearful to think of possibly losing your child. your spouse, your friend. each day we get up and never know if that day will bring death. we just never know. what a depressing thought--and sometimes, when i need to talk...there are less people who are there that can go that distance to hear your heart. God is kind and I have been fortunate to have places to do that deep work of the grief heart.

Grief is brutal, total, devastating...deep, destructive, angry waves that kill...crush...break noses and bones and crush skulls...that is my journey. it is one i need to write about or i lose my mind at times...visiting that truth of the horror that happened in the most beautiful of lands. HOW CAN THAT BE?????? i try to wrap my mind around it and try to tame the thoughts and when they come, i just hold on...and crawl into my Father's lap and stay till the sounds quiet again. I am grateful for the one's who are around to hold too---but often these come in the middle of the night, or just when you smell familiar places of memories, places that brought deep joy...and now rip your heart open...jabbing at the emptiness that is found. these thoughts used to bring such smiles and laughter--and times to talk about joys with you dear sarah.

how i miss you today--- 15 months ago you died. i can hardly believe it is that long. seems so long ago when you say 15 months, yet my heart aches like it was today. another Christmas with you gone, quiet where your voice should be. holes of air hanging empty where your laughter would fill the air. it is almost like i can see the empty bubbles floating around...with no person to attach them to any longer....

sometimes i even depress myself...then begin the long process of picking up the pieces of my heart again and shoving them into my chest to beat and live. what a workout.

i am grateful to have a strong faith that knows this is temporary...i am intense and live in deep waters...and try to limit the time there as i would need medication today...somedays that sounds tempting to take the sharp edge off the cutting edge of this...it is not good to live in this place too long...drains the joy i do have in my new marriage...can see in his eyes when he worries...and prays for me. see it in my sister's eyes...and that sorrow is there in her's too---that deep sorrow. then see Christopher's eyes...and those take me out...the hollowness that has learned to live there...

he fights to live too--and embrace his new land. we both see it in each other's eyes and that sometimes is too much.

God--help this new year bring more healing to the hearts that have lost...my heart, Christopher's heart, Sarah's dear family and friends. help us to have a song in our heart again--and joy of knowing our homeland is still within sight...and it is not here....it is with you...where death is no more and tears are no more....and light is going to shut out darkness...and we will be with YOU.

help the coming year bring more freedom to live and love...and less fear. I WILL NOT LIVE AN UNLIVED LIFE. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL NOT DESPAIR. I WILL EMBRACE THIS JOURNEY AND LOVE WELL.

as the year draws to a close...

it has been a sweet time these last days. i have been remembering years gone by, of our times of preparing Christmas and presents and candy and cookies. you loved getting ready. i can remember having the craft table up in the living room for weeks as we painted and assembled the gifts we would make. we would head early to Amish country to our favorite stores for ideas to make and then buy more than we ever needed or could make--to then spend the time putting the things together. if i heard you say it once, you said it a thousand times, "mom--buy it---I am sick of you looking all these things over and then saying you can make it cheaper!!" I would laugh, and even do it on purpose just to get you going on saying it again...ahahhahahaha
such fun i always had with you dear, dear Sarah C.
now it is a new season....in a new land i have never walked before. i deliberately look ahead...not often behind...to see the new scenery, new people, new places i am going to. it takes alot of energy---and it is not a time when i have alot of energy. God---you are stretching me and my heart in ways i am unfamiliar with. i have not walked this journey ever before. i need you so much--in each moment. i feel your strong hand in mine. my tears often are held in my heart, till they spill at unusual times. the further you walk in the new land of sorrow---but life abundant, you find yourself caught by so much you can hardly assimilate it all to make any sense of it. it is like a huge puzzle with so many pieces...and takes time and intentionality to put the pieces in the right place. i feel like i am trying to find the edges first so will know the boundaries of this new place...
are there any?
i really wonder...
seems like the wonder of heaven is in this place...
seems like sometimes i can feel the air of that new place with a brush of my hand...
feels like i feel YOUR presence Father closer than ever...
like i am walking in this new land, just have no eyes to see it yet...
maybe that is what will happen in the years to come...my eyesight will begin to adjust to what my spirit feels at times...and will see for real.

i have a hope welling up in me...an excitement of this journey...that will last for all times....
and to see the ones gone on before...
to live with more freeness than before...
to hold fast...
to not give up....
to love better....
to live more fully...
to embrace this day, this life, this man, all of it...

a new year ahead....help me to dream more again...
to have the energy to live more, to not be so discombobulated in my mind...now that is a word to see in print.

to have confidence in YOU Lord.
to reflect you in all i do and am.
to allow others to see that the worst thing cannot take your heart out of life.
that my heart still beats and has hope...even though...
help me.
help us.
heal me.
heal us.
breathe life again Lord...over the areas of sadness...of the loss

you are near...

time to write...time to ponder....

Is Dec. 1 of 2008....only 30 more days left of another year. I just can hardly believe how fast time goes at times. It is time to write and put together the words that will make up Year 5-Life at Sea, Stay the Course.

Staying---means to keep to the path...the one carved out for you by the hand of God. His road, his direction. To stay means not laying down...not quitting..not giving up. It is more than we can do on our own strength. It means leaning and recieving from the ones around you on the path. For me...today I am grateful...for all the ones on this path..the new ones I have met along this journey---this year and last especially have impacted me in such profound and deep ways. The ones I would never have met had I not lost my dear Sarah. If she stayed, I would not have walked this way...but this is the path carved out and is mine.

Today brings a joy to this journey that I would not have expected. A deep sense of wonder and majesty---to touch the souls of others who have also lost and have a new language that is filled with words not ever spoken before. Eyes full of a sadness and depth that can quickly fill with tears and you can get lost in their depths. Yet--full of hope and love for life in new ways never explored before.

Holding on lightly yet fully to all that is left...and tasting slowly the new and enjoying the flavors of new friends and loves. Almost exploding with a deep sense of gratitude for the gift of a new moment...seeing the moments with a new sense of wonder and grace. Seeing the things you have done before with new eyes and sensing colors new.

This probably doesn't make too much sense...I find myself writing as the words fall from my fingers. I am deeply in grief still...missing Sarah more and more, yet releasing her more and more...just amazes me. If I don't release her and let go...it starts to pull me under...and there is no air nor life there...it is a frightening place...a place of deep agony and takes all my energy to not diminish....

but life...it beckons me to come and breath and see and taste and feel and wrap my arms around what remains--and to savor...and slip and dance, and laugh and spin and drink fully .....

I see another year ahead---full of what I wonder? I want to live as though...intentional, on purpose, fully....glorious...joyful...remembering...looking forward to the Lights of the City---and knowing someday...and never know when that someday will come...I will go home...and there will be for all time...with no more sorrow, no more death, no more pain, no more tears...no more...just fully home....EMBRACED.