as the year draws to a close...

it has been a sweet time these last days. i have been remembering years gone by, of our times of preparing Christmas and presents and candy and cookies. you loved getting ready. i can remember having the craft table up in the living room for weeks as we painted and assembled the gifts we would make. we would head early to Amish country to our favorite stores for ideas to make and then buy more than we ever needed or could make--to then spend the time putting the things together. if i heard you say it once, you said it a thousand times, "mom--buy it---I am sick of you looking all these things over and then saying you can make it cheaper!!" I would laugh, and even do it on purpose just to get you going on saying it again...ahahhahahaha
such fun i always had with you dear, dear Sarah C.
now it is a new season....in a new land i have never walked before. i deliberately look ahead...not often behind...to see the new scenery, new people, new places i am going to. it takes alot of energy---and it is not a time when i have alot of energy. God---you are stretching me and my heart in ways i am unfamiliar with. i have not walked this journey ever before. i need you so much--in each moment. i feel your strong hand in mine. my tears often are held in my heart, till they spill at unusual times. the further you walk in the new land of sorrow---but life abundant, you find yourself caught by so much you can hardly assimilate it all to make any sense of it. it is like a huge puzzle with so many pieces...and takes time and intentionality to put the pieces in the right place. i feel like i am trying to find the edges first so will know the boundaries of this new place...
are there any?
i really wonder...
seems like the wonder of heaven is in this place...
seems like sometimes i can feel the air of that new place with a brush of my hand...
feels like i feel YOUR presence Father closer than ever...
like i am walking in this new land, just have no eyes to see it yet...
maybe that is what will happen in the years to come...my eyesight will begin to adjust to what my spirit feels at times...and will see for real.

i have a hope welling up in me...an excitement of this journey...that will last for all times....
and to see the ones gone on before...
to live with more freeness than before...
to hold fast...
to not give up....
to love better....
to live more fully...
to embrace this day, this life, this man, all of it...

a new year ahead....help me to dream more again...
to have the energy to live more, to not be so discombobulated in my mind...now that is a word to see in print.

to have confidence in YOU Lord.
to reflect you in all i do and am.
to allow others to see that the worst thing cannot take your heart out of life.
that my heart still beats and has hope...even though...
help me.
help us.
heal me.
heal us.
breathe life again Lord...over the areas of sadness...of the loss

you are near...