this is the view outside my door...it is cold, winter...should be sleeping and hybernating i think....seems like letters that form words that help me to write--here and in my journal are frozen to my heart.
am doing ok---moving more, working out, eating better...just not writing. will preach this weekend, so have been reading alot...is from malachi 3---the God who doesn't change...
i know you don't change...i do trust you. just wish sometimes we could see beyond the veil so i would run with joy that would be so free and full of happiness and excitement for what is ahead.
need to grease my wheels and write...i do better when i am writing...at least i feel better. need to ponder, defrost....let go of the chill of my heart. i have some things to do soon--need to clean out sarah's art room and attic at her house...and need to write about that...it is heavy on my heart. need to write so i can go do it....seems so final and necessary...and yet...too final...the last of her things she set in a certain way...yet covered in dust. chris has given me all the time i need to do this...and that is so kind....it is the part of her i shared the most...the center of our hearts where we connected...so Father...come and defrost my heart...help me write...help me to do this thing i dread...
sure miss her...is too long since i heard her voice, her laugh...felt her hand around my waist...felt her warm and hearty hug...enjoyed the moments of spontaneity and joy....planned things to do...
new season...new life, new names all around me...new challenges and new loves and joys...not that i don't love these new things...just didn't think it was time to let go of the old...and wasn't asked. that makes it hard when we aren't asked...and loss is like that...what would we ever part with if we got to say....
sarah used to love playing the "would you like to die like _____ or like _____, mom"....she would pick the worst ways you could die...and laugh and laugh cuz i would say..."those are terrible ways to die...why do you like this game???" somehow she was always talking about dying...and now she did...
it is hard now...cuz as i write, my heart is defrosting and my solid tears feel warm on my cheeks...need to write more, need to keep grieving and feeling this...
i do feel better on today. there are still moments that totally catch me off guard and i still totally fall apart...is harder today as you don't know what will trip the switch...a simple thing you may witness--a mom and daughter hugging in your view....that is the hardest still....
my empty arms for my girl...so glad we hugged so much...never missed one...always savored each one...glad to have them. can sometimes feel her close. looking forward to heaven...feeling them again...
is this worth it...to feel the warmth come back...to feel a beating heart that grieves..and feels and hurts....sometimes i really wonder...
1 comment:
Oh...what to do with all the things that ARE here and all the hugs that aren't? No one should have to answer those questions.
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