I am getting my heart ready to go back to Italy in September to honor the 5th anniversary of you leaving us Sarah.  We watched one of the DVDs from when we were there after you died.  It was the first time we finally watched it the other night--Uncle Tom, Aunt Marty, Aunt Barb and Rick and I...

It had been such a crazy and crushing time--coming to Italy via the trains and planes from Turkey when we found out you had died.  Trying to get to the Cinque Terre and Christopher...
...and we went from taking so many vacation photos and videos to living through the most crushing time.

Uncle Tom was taking some video of Michael-the man staying in the room across the hall from Christopher bringing us another gift of food--he didn't even speak English, but his kindness to us over those days was like gold.  While U. Tom was taping, around the corner came Lara, the funeral director's daughter who helped us so much during all this.

She was caring the box with your ashes in it to us...crying...as she had just rode her motorcycle from Livorna,where you were cremated,  and now was bringing this small white box filled with you so we could bring your ashes back home.  Her face was so precious to see again--the great sorrow she had broke all of us. It was terribly hard to watch...and remember the very awful moment of holding that box, still warm....you...

How could it be.

Still no words...

We prepare to go back again...to the same places and spot you died.  It is so very hard to lose you so far away and to wonder where you went....I am thankful to have Marty and Barb and Tom and also now Rick again going--this is a journey we were on together...and somehow needs to be the trip of us again--maybe hoping to mend some of the brokenness in our hearts.

To see some of the dear friends we have made while there, who became the balm for that part of the road.  I know we will be richer for the journey.  Help each of us prepare our hearts for these days away. I know we need to pack our bravery...it is needed...and courage....to go and be present to the sorrow and grief.

How does one make it 5 years without your most precious daughter...breathing slowly, deliberately...stepping so gently into each day.  Leaning on those close and reaching out to other's hands who have lost and no words are needed.

I got a comment on one of my older posts yesterday from someone who just lost their son: "I lost my beautiful 23 year old son just 6 weeks ago. I've been searching the Internet for blogs and websites that will show how other parents have survived. I wanted you to know that I added your blog to my page"
http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss

I have been touched by this...and brought back to the earlier days when even that breathing took great effort...and have been praying for this one's journey.  

I hate this journey...I hate my story...yet, it has colored me more than anything...anyways--I don't get a vote...no one asked me what I would think of it...

I always did prepare myself once I had a child that she was never really mine...just on loan...a most priceless and precious gift...and I always treasured her...to the fullest...

Sweet girl of mine...It is quieter now...so quiet in memories...miss you.

 This is a picture of Sarah--holding a small bottle of wine--in their room in Le Spezia.  So very vibrant-so full of life and living.  So quickly gone.  So very missed.  A toast to you sweet girl...to the most precious life you lived.  May we live well in honor of you.