Home now...or is italy home

Images of the ceremony while we were in Manarola, Cinque Terra. You are welcome to visit myspace page to see the rest of them. http://www.myspace.com/truenorth78

still no words, so much swirling in my heart. it will take a long time to process the absolute beauty of our time there and the wonders of the gentleness and kindness of the people who were there, embracing us, loving us.

I will write more in the days to come, but words and letters do not seem to be coming together right now---just my heart of hearts that so misses Sarah all over again. To finally see the place she lost her life was more than can simply be put on paper at this time. To touch the sea, feel the water, smell the air...it all was surreal.

Many questions were answered and healing did come in odd ways...but the realness of it all has hit home. To hear the opera singer whom the president invited to sing, "Time to say Goodbye" per Christopher's request...to get the painting I am holding in my hand from a famous artist the president commissioned to paint of Sarah's last moment...on and on...the stories are many, the generosity and humbleness of the people who loved and served us....touched our hearts so deeply...and feels like their hands and hearts are still right there with us.

The pictures above are: Chris spreading some of Sarah's ashes at the place she died. 2. Chris and I with the President Franco and his wife and 2 of the American consulate people 3. the 2 plaques done--which are now being framed to preserve them and will be hung above the spot she died at Point Bonfiglio, Manarola. The one on the right was painted by the artist who did the painting's girlfriend. 4. One of the posters which were all over the Cinque Terra of Sarah with the poems in Italian and english--and inviting all the people to the ceremony. 5. the place sarah died. it is the landing right below the walkway. The wave that hit her was at least 10 feet over her head. 6. Chris and I holding the painting while the soloist sang, "Time to say goodbye".

It is alot. Here is the link to part of the ceremony that was on their TV station running over and over during the whole week we were there.

Here is the Cinque Terre website and video news coverage of Sarah’s ceremony. Go to this link, http://www.parconazionale5terre.it/ then scroll down to "In ricordo di Sarah Scherer" and click on the video button.

That is all for now. Heart is so full. Miss her.

Sarah's eye....a star named for our girl...

It is just a day before we go to the place she lost her last pair of shoes---struggling to swim and live. she had no chance to live as the injury to her head was too severe. nevertheless, we go to celebrate and commemorate her life.

christopher had a star named for her---"Sarah's eye" a while ago---and she was so touched. some nights---it is a help to know her star shines still done on all of us....

I got this email from a student Sarah went to school with for her master's in art therapy and community counseling...it is dear and the poem she included blesses me so....thank you Father for the many, many , many kind things and blessings that continue to pour over all of us in the days since Sarah left us. I am rich with love adn care and blessings. Fuller than I ever have been---at such a high cost.



"You may not recognize my email, but I was a classmate of Sarah's at Ursuline
and have been deeply touched by Sarah's gifts!
Please know that I think of you often and pray that you find peace in the memories you have with and of Sarah. She was truly a great light in this world... thank you for that gift!

Recently, I came across this poem and hope it may be of some comfort to you:

There are stars up above,
so far away we only see their light long, long after
the star itself is gone.
And so it is with people that we loved,
their memories keep shining ever brightly
though their time with us is done.
But the stars that light up the darkest night,
these are the stars that guide us,
as we live our days these are the ways
we remember, we remember.
As we live our days these days we remember,
we remember.
~ Jewish poem "

we turn to face east, the flight, the stairs...the water and waves...and to see the last place you stood...please Lord, hold us...keep us...smile on us...let us grieve well but have the eternal part of hope to help each of us live. Sarah would want that. I know.

ashes....

ashes...my dear sarah's ashes...in my hand. grey, chips of bone...lifeless...all that is left of her earthly body.

our breath-christopher's and mine---taken away for the minutes after we opened the urn...and gazed for the first time.

sorrow that was deeper than any words ever to be found.

tears stinging.
never right to experience for anyone.
long journey ahead to the land that is so far away-to take some of these ashes to leave in the water that held our dear bella while her life slipped away to heaven.
good friends, good family to go with us for this next part of the journey.
didn't ask for this one.
didn't ever want to have to do this--none of us.
God. please help.

"There to wait a little while.....

while rick and i were in Virginia on one of the 3 separate times for "honeymoon"...we kept driving past a cemetery and I could see this angel in the cemetery--but couldn't see what was written. on our last day there-as we were driving to leave, we stopped in for a picture of her.

i began to cry as i saw the words..."there to wait a little while".

who knows what this new world for sarah really means...is she wonderously exploring her new world, resting and waiting....i do not know...but i do know she is with her Father and is in a fullness i could never understand in my simple mind. i believe she is fully all she could ever be--and somehow sees us at times and prays too for each of us who sorely misses her.

today is another missing day of her--for me, for christopher, for friends and family. today would have been #4 anniversary...so few years were given to this beautiful couple...so many dreams never realized....so many things lost. hard to reckon this one out---it is just plain the hardest thing to continue to live and wrap your arms around.

in 3 days the group of us---the sourjouners for this leg of the journey of life will again take a plane to italy with some of sarah's ashes with us---to go back to the land she left this life---dear cinque terra-and see the people who loved her, loved us...walked with us...cried with us...felt deep sorrow for this loss with us...9 1/2 months ago. i ache, i cry to think of seeing for the first time this place where she was the "happiest of her life" only in minutes to be swept away and crashed to the rocks to slowly see her life slip to this new land of eternity--forever from our lives and joys here. never to know her new family along with never having her own family to raise. just many sorrows and regrets---

i pray dear Father--the words many have prayed for us-as we return to this dear land...

here is a prayer i received tonight from my dear friend joyce---
"I pray that you will feel the awesome presence and peace of Sarah in that place and space that she left behind. May you feel her eternal spirit soar within you and come to rest peacefully within your heart and soul forever more. I pray this celebration of her life is pleasing to the Holy Spirit, to you, to Christopher, and to all those who will come to know of her life through the dedication of this memorial. I pray that Rick may feel the presence of the daughter of his new bride and in so doing come to love her as you do. I pray that Christopher may cherish the memory for his wife forever and yet because of her, I pray he may learn to love again. I pray for you, Chris, for the peace, grace, mercy and gratitude as you release the beautiful daughter you raised to be the reflection of Christ's love in a hurting world. I pray for the country of Italy and her people who give voice and witness to Sarah's life so that others may learn of her zest for living. And for
Sarah.....I pray that this too may be "the best day of my life" as she lives on in eternity."

such a dear prayer---Father, please cover us as we travel...and may peace come, may freedom to let go and be released from the deep sorrow and tragedy come for all of us---to believe and KNOW you and the peace of her with you. thank you Father for the ones going with me, with Christopher to make this journey--they have been assigned to us for this walk and we are so grateful for each of them...we will never be the same.

sarah gave me a pillow she made a few years ago with the inscription, "I will never be the same after seeing the moon on the other side of the world." it is true----and we will never be the same, but better...fuller, richer...and holding a dear thing in our soul--for continuing to walk out the terrible loss of our dear sarah, my dear sarah c...my pumpkin noodle...my joy. my dear daughter...how I love you...how I miss you...how I look forward to seeing you in the fullness of God. I too will rejoice as I continue to settle this in my soul more and more in the days to come. thank you God for the days we had her---help each of us live in the way of moments--embracing and holding and savoring like a fine glass of wine...this dear and short life we have.

peace tonight, rest now.

56 and a whole new season of God's favor and goodness

Joyful, that is what we were right then-2 joined to one for this life.

new day, a year older...a new season. A wife-a mom to 4 new children and a grandma to 10 grandchildren...and a daughter who lives in heaven now and a wonderful son in law...wonderful new parents and a new brother and sister in law I haven't met yet.

I sometimes feel like I don't live in Kansas anylonger...and I truly don't. So many things the same and so many things never to be again.

I find myself with open arms to embrace this new land, this new season...smiling, yet tears streaming down my face. A determination not to miss one thing the Father gives to me, to us.

I am grateful for 56 years of life and all the richness of the days-the wonderful things given to me by my heavenly Father. Such a kind giver of gifts.

I do miss you today Sarah. You always made my day so wonderful. I have the last 2 years of you singing to me still on my phone and later today, I will listen to you sing to me...miss you singing today---maybe you are singing from heaven~wonder how that works....know you are in my heart today--for all times.

watching life go on

9 months today. i find myself watching life happen all around me. i see other mom's with their daughters, eating fast food, shopping at the grocery store, fixing their hair--simple, everyday stuff---just moving along...not aware that these are the simple things you tenderly remember when there is no more.

i remember...somehow i knew i needed to grasp each memory of us-and you as we went along---i seemed to savor them, caress them, remember them---and can still close my eyes and remember them. i can feel your hair in my hands, i remember the first time i french braided your hair-it took me forever, and you were getting so impatient--but boy it looked so beautiful! i loved doing your hair, putting it in braids, in ponytails, in pigtails--ribbons, hats--whatever. and even as a grown up girl--you still loved hats--and you wore them everywhere. Chris and I were going through your hats the other day and we found some of the most outlandish hats---What a hoot you were!! The wilder and crazier--the better---especially if you thought Chris would hate it!! And you would laugh as we bought it!! i remember when you and marty and kimmy and gram and i went to put-in-bay and tried all those hats on in that hat shop!! we laughed and cried!

well, i can laugh...but then the tears do come...the deep sorrow in my little mother's heart. i so miss you my dear girl. i miss that we don't make more memories...that i have to look into my little heart and just hold tight to the ones we got to make...there will be no more. you are my dear girl. thanks Sarah...thanks for the memories..for all the fun times...for all the great times...the laughter..the tears...the quietness, the wild and crazy times...

love you.

it is here---the day I become a madame...a mrs.

wow, it is just 3 hours from now, i will join in the most mysterious way with this dear man...my husband. i know it is just a wonder in the kingdom....a mystery of God. the joining of man and woman-a reflection of the glorious kingdom of God. me---a bride...Rick, the groom.

could hardly sleep last night, such a great party after the rehearsal. so many people helping us...celebrating with us...just am awed and blessed...and so excited...soon....very soon....

thank you God.

I know you will be there.....

My dear bella Sarah....I can see you standing near me...as I marry...as I commmit my life to this man. I know you have been part of this whole journey for me. I am undone right now, just under 12 hours till I commit my life to Rick.

You have touched me so over the years Sarah. I have been blessed with your friendship and love. I am so thankful for so many people here tonight....Rick's family, Christopher and friends, my family...my friends, people from the church. I have had enough merlot right now to soften my heart...to soften the edges of my sorrow...but to also remember the tears of my missing you...you...my sweet, sweet Sarah C. My sweet girl...who would be here---full of life, full of joy. I just want you to know how many people have helped--and been there for us--for me...through all of this...just to help bring the greatest joy and celebration to our wedding day. I am so excited...so full of joy....can't wait to become Mrs. Provard...just am so excited. I have the best man to be my husband. He is the dearest and kindest man I know....God--be over our day--from beginning to end. Thank you for the help of everyone--from my dear Aunt Barb, my sister....my family...my friends, his family, his friends...all of them...we are rich! We are blessed...we are so happy...so thankful....yes Lord...Yes Lord...soooooo glad. I am heading to bed. It is almost 11 and only 11 hours to go....wow God. This is cool.

where are you going, my little one, little one

my little one, little one....a song sung to you all the years of your short life.

I sing it again today--along with the other songs I have sung to you.

i miss you Sarah...i miss you so much on this day, one week before my wedding. i wish you could do this with me. it is hard, sweet one--to move forward and make new memories without you in them. it seems so bittersweet...so right yet so wrong to move on...

all of us miss you so, can't wait to see you again. what do people do without the hope of heaven? I am also marrying Jesse today to dan...and you and chris would be there...again..missing you...these are your friends. so many places i would see you...and see your smile and happiness that i was doing what God has called me to do...yet, the tears come again---missing your voice and your comments and your thoughts on all of it.

again...i am grateful, for the days, minutes and years i did get to be your mom...so grateful. just the best. God please help us all, help me...help me to do this life without my girl...

life is changing

Life is changing right before my eyes. I am making room in a small space for a new person to walk this journey of life with. I am amazed to be doing this. I have been single so long-I forget how to share space, room...not that I don't want to-just it will have to be with intention. I can do it when I am connecting during the day--in normal life when others are around, but now---this will be the norm--He will be here, on a daily basis and nightly basis. Wow, that is a thought-more of a constant. So that means, when I am used to being quiet or alone, I may have to speak, to explain...to share...I think I will really enjoy doing this, so that is really good. I remember when I became single, had to learn to be more independent, more able to exist solo. I even began to embrace that word-solo. I liked it...had a feeling of being myself. I will work to not lose what I have gained in these past years of living well, being authentic, fully myself. That is the part I want to bring into this new oneness--a wholeness, a person who knows her inside and her value. I bring my hands full to share with Rick. I bring a sense of living that I have discovered in these past years. I loved doing it with Sarah. How well we lived, how well we savored the days and times. I know this too is what Rick brings as he has also lost greatly. We both live intentionally, courageously, and with a great sense of discovery. We have much to explore and discover. The journey together is now just over 10 days away. God be with us in these last days we are apart--and bring excitement and joy to our last minutes that we look forward to the miracle of this covenant commitment we make together and before you.

sorting, grieving, making it neat again

grief is alot like sorting clothes-straightening out your drawers--then coming back in and finding everything you thought you put away, pulled back out and hanging all over the place.

or discovering your inner room you thought was in order, all dumped out all over the place. so you begin again, picking up the first item and deciding where did that go the last time---and you can't remember...so you think...where do I want to store this, or do I really want to keep this hard memory, or has it outlived the purpose and you can actually throw it away--maybe.

then you pick up the next item--and find it is something you threw away and try to think, how in the world did it get back in here--or is it just close to what you thought you threw away. and how did everything get so messy again--and how did every drawer get overloaded again.

grief is like that--somedays, you think it is all in order...neat, orderly---each drawer makes sense. it is managable, tidy. and all of a sudden...you get slammed with one too many memories---like a rogue memory---and the explosion happens, the drawers and shelves all leap out and bend over and throw all the contents all over one another. you are lost again--hoping the life jacket of eternal hope holds while you flounder for a bit....tears blur your vision totally---and no thought is anything but wreckless and wild. no sentences make any sense. all rocks around you are too slippery to hold on, and you drift in the midst of it all....deep inside, you know it will pass...you will again have to begin the simple, yet painful process of picking up the pieces and smoothing them out one by one---folding them, gently lifting them...and placing them again in a drawer--the ones that are to stay. you begin to intentionally hold them up to your inner frame-to see if you have yet outgrown the need to keep each one--trying to find the correct amount of items and memories to take with you--to journey more light these days. the time to pick up and smooth out takes so much time and energy--so you begin to see your choice in this action--each time the contents are spilled.

wish we lived in a land that didn't have so many earthquakes, rogue waves. but we do, for now---and God help us when they hit...come and help me fold the fragile and precious pieces of my heart--and place them tenderly in place for today.

odd but it works for me

I know it is an odd picture--an elephant in utero---I so remember when you were inside of me Sarah--I remember the very private relationship we had as you grew and I could feel you and we began communicating with one another--and most of the time it was so intimate and no one else even knew. You and I were so close--from the very beginning. I never thought I would have a baby--so was so thrilled and also afraid because I had such trouble carrying you. I never thought I would ever even hold you in my arms. and then..you were born. We had so many years together--so much holding and hugging and always touching, holding hands--even in these last years--while we would drive together---we would hold hands. Just always touching.

I still feel you--and know your presence in such an intimate way. You seem to be present still for me in the most intimate way.

Again tonight---you were there. We were all at the church and putting together the table stuff for the wedding and wrapping the silverware...and all of a sudden--Maggie played the song---"be" by Neil Diamond...and the others who were in front of the table moved out of the way and there before me was the most beautiful table setting with a beautiful seagull in between 2 tall candles that were to represent Rick and I. The seagull was you---and I cried...and cried...and so did Marty and others---we were all stopped for a minute or two---and your sweet spirit was present---tender, kind, touching...gentle...present...close. I felt you say---I am still here with you...I love you mom.

I love you Sarah. I miss you so--I wanted more, but didn't get more. I can't wait to see you again. I have to tell you dear girl...I am ok. I am blessed more than I deserve or know what to do with it---so much love poured out on me...the shower last Sunday blew me away--then the continued love and support through all this.

You are present. You are where we will be coming soon---not sure who is next. That always takes me out too---who is next to leave the rest of us? Death is so hard---so final, so exacting. But I try so hard to look to what follows the other side of my last breath here---and that is the first there. I am excited to come there. I also want to stay here now and experience this wonderful love and adventure. I know you see it somehow.

Just know we all love you, we miss you. I do feel you close--like somehow like when you were in utero---

I know this is sick--sorry to those who won't get this next part....but when I had my hysterectomy...because I had worked in the OR at that hospital...they brought me my uterus so I could see it. When I looked at it---they had cut it in half, so I could see the inside where you had lived. I was overcome with extreme wonder and astonishment at this small place had held the seed of you---that had been inpregnated by your dad's seed to mine..and you were the beginning of the biggest miracle in my life...and I was awed that God gave you to me and allowed my body to carry you....to allow me to be the bearer of you. I took that great honor and carried you for those 9 months...and then got the privilege to be your mom for almost 29 years. Wow, what a privilege.

So tonight---I again am amazed that I had this close moment with you again today. Maggie didn't know about the song Be, nor even what the seagull means to me, so there you were...just my girl....present. love you so....mom

beauty of the rose

The rose is our picture of my new love---opening slowly.

The closed one is the picture of our upcoming wedding.

I am excited to see this rose begin to open-to see the petals and colors of this closed rose.

Such a glorious time has been this engagement period. The pedals on the open rose have been glorious and tender and sweet. I am rich beyond words in what these last months have meant to me. I have seen joy in the land of the living. I have experienced love in a manner never experienced before.

I am blessed by this love. Blessed by the rich fragrance, the glorious tenderness and gentleness of it. I am more because of it. I have loved my singleness, my time of finding myself and finding who I am. I love taking this to this relationship. The fullness of knowing me. The richness of my wholeness and what that brings to love. I am not carrying broken pieces that still have sharp edges, but taking me to present to him, and him to me.

God, I look forward with anticipation to 3 weeks from today--to see the new rose begin to open, to see the mystery of marriage. To smell the mystery of this covenant, the new land before us. To see you Father---bless this new place and to welcome both of us to our new journey together.

How blessed I am. How excited I am, how hopeful I am. Thank you Father. Thank you for this gift. Thank you for Rick.

excitement in the days ahead, carrying the tears

there is joy in the days ahead. there is excitement at the joy others have for me, for us. I am excited to think that God would bring a dear man along my side at this season in my life, to journey with and discover. even in the season of loss, there is life. how can one hold both. some moments, it seems like these two blur together-and take on their own aroma. an aroma that i have not smelled before-rich, distinct. full of life and full of eternal richness.

i know i appreciate this season like i have no other before because it is so unexpected. i have learned loss and the momentaryness of life..so to savor the moments given...that will sometimes abruptly be taken away. i will not hold hard and fast, but loose and with the freedom to savor and enjoy--and not be afraid. i will not allow the loss of sarah to taint how i live today. she would be furious to learn i began to live in fear. i will not hold on and live carefully or without risk--i will enjoy and be brave, i will embrace the new, try new things, drink fully and completely--i will not take fear with me to this new land. it has not been a friend, but a foe. it has been an unwelcome traveler, one that buys it's own ticket and acts like it is your long lost companion---reminding you of things that make it seem like it belongs. it waits for the moments to sneak in and lean in close--cutting off your breath and diminishing the flame of hope. i will not welcome it--i will not. JESUS, you are my constant-you are my hope, you are the only one welcome to continue with me in this new strange land i have not gone to before. YIPPEEEEE, God i am so excited...and am still carrying tears. they fall freely and splatter sometimes all over the joy--but the colors mix to unusual and beautiful pastels---and extend beyond borders...and make their own markings and designs. i love the way they mix....and they bring a depth to my soul that has not been there ever before. God--you have been kind to teach me these things...in the midst, on this journey...you are kind. you are so my Father.

joy!!!!!

Amazed that God would allow me to do a marriage. Just amazed at what He does even when we feel bankrupt and empty.

Marriage---I am getting excited to be entering soon into this wonderful land in just 24 days. Blessed to have the most wonderful man chosen for me to walk the journey with.

Wishing Sarah were there in person to celebrate--as I wished she would have been there in person for Ash and Nick's big day too...Ash missed her...but somehow I know Sarah was there in spirit. Don't get that part--just felt her there....smiling, rejoicing....glad!

I too am happy for this new marriage and the life ahead of 2 wonderful people...just thank God for their love and excitement. God bless the 2 of them in their life together.

too long

Lonely for you tonight.

8 months.

miss you. ache.

empty

quiet

salty sweet days and nights

just ache tonight-even as i pick a picture out for my blog, it aches. sometimes i look for the picture before i find the words. just miss you sarah. how do i say how hard it is not to be able to pick up the cell phone and call you--anytime...anywhere...we could do that and did. i wonder if i ever will delete your name, even when it is hard to scroll past it...

even in the outlook directory--your name is there. i am sure many of us wonder this too. it makes it more permanent if it gets deleted...maybe we will just thank God for you when we see it--and make it sweet instead of salty.

only 31 days right this moment till i marry. and i am trying to do this without your present help. i hate that part. i know you--oh my..you would have so many things happening if you were here. i am keeping it very simple...and many are helping--thank God---you would be happy about that. i am sure it will be so sweet and perfect. i truly am excited about the wedding...just sad...so sad you will not be there...smiling that wild ass smile that showed those beautiful white teeth!! such a smile i never see...except in my mind and memories now.

so many people miss you--they write and call and tell me. i am so blessed by their words. they help me know how real you were...your voice is quieter and harder to recall...i hate that. i often go to your myspace page just to listen to your laugh. i have 6 messages on my cell phone from you---2 birthday messages 2 years in a row...you would laugh and ask my why i would save this stuff...well...see!!! i am so glad i did....so glad i did.

i miss you my girl. i miss you so. tonight the why is on my lips again. just heard on the news that stephen curtis chapman's 5 year old daughter was killed by her brother when he backed up out of the driveway and ran over her tonight--ugh...it starts, the tragedy..the awfulness of this. i pray so for all of them tonight---from far off. just like so many prayed the moment they heard about you dying...for all of us. tragedies...ugh...so awful, so hard.

God, please hold me tonight....i just have a sore, sore mother's aching heart...needing to hold her girl. i just miss you sarah...my sarah c.

in the hand of God

Here it is on Mother's day--my first one with you living now in heaven. Such a quiet and odd day today. I am blessed by so many people remembering you today and giving such love and cards and calls. I am blessed by so many wonderful friends and family...you would be so happy about that.

Yesterday was a hard day--anticipating you gone. I have met so many people who have lost someone in the last months--there is a tenderness and look in people's eyes that gives it away. I think so often about heaven and what it is like where you are? What are you doing...what do you see? Did you know Tom, our neighbor just died? Do you get to meet people as they get to heaven? I am intriqued by this thing of life after death..I know we all will find out someday, so think about it more and more now that you are gone.

You would love to meet Rick--he is just a wonderful man...I wish you were here to see how happy I am...and how wonderful he is...I just wish I had both of you. Chris called me today too--and wished me a happy mother's day---just hear it in his voice too...the missing of you.

I love this picture of you Sarah--makes me think of when you were little and that night I found you in your dad's and my bed--and we had been fighting. When I came into our room, you were there laying in our bed, just 6 years old..and I saw a glow about you--a peace was all over you--and I asked you what you were doing and you told me you were "laying in the hand of God" and I could actually see you there--and saw the peace all over you...so I still think of you there--in His hand and cared for. I can't wait to see you. I miss you, miss our memories..miss our times. I have such hope-hope in the greatest eternity...just a wonderful and wild time in the best of all places--our eternal home. It will be just great to see you--feel you, hug you. I miss you fiercely today sweet girl...love you more than words could ever say. Please give my mom a hug too today and tell her I so miss her too....and can't wait to hug her too. Love you so. mom

just goes on and on and on....

head in my hands...tears fall

ache in my heart

emptyness in my stomach that is struggling to digest it all

my chest that takes small breaths...unable to take in the air of grief

a new land, one I have no map for

there is no title for a mother who has lost her child like for a person who has lost their spouse

how do you say....when they ask, "do you have any children?" sometimes it is easier to just say, "Yes, I have a daughter", and they say, that is nice. if you tell them, you had a daughter--then they look at you with that look of pain...and then you have to try to tell the story. if you tell the story, it becomes more and more painful to watch the sadness in their eyes of pain...and it goes over and over again...a new land...one I have no map for. such a difference between the have and had. we all lose...we all learn to walk this land of loss.

i am learning to walk this land, to hold the hand of the ONE who has carried me and all of us to this place of sorrow and will carry us through and onward. we do trust-with the blindness of faith, that we will press on. grateful for the love and care of the ones around that cheer us on. so many memories recently, so many things to remember her and trigger memories. new sorrow, new roads to learn. always having to trust each new one and turn over to Him who holds our hearts.

missing you, missing you, missing you.

quiet

silent

deep

endless

hard

unfair

unending

wordless

dark

looking for the light-the only light that brings hope...and reaching out to others and to You to keep on. looking forward to heaven, to eternal life. listening to angel wings, seeing and hearing with different ears for glimpses of that hope-all day long--all night long....living in a new land with no map. You are God of heaven, and here I am on earth...and I let my words be true---Jesus, I am so in love with you. And I'll stand in awe of You....and I'll let my words be true...Jesus, I am so in love with you.

Kiss my girl today.

Sweet memories

Just a dear day--just home from cleaning and sorting at Christopher's house...going through Sarah's books and kitchen stuff. Tears and laughter mixed together...sweet and hard.

Funny how much we are alike--so many of the same things we would buy. Just loved shopping with her, gardening with her...anything with her.

Her spring flowers she planted last year are all up--loads of daffodils and tulips---just gorgeous. Even in the front 2 beds that never had things grow too long as the heat would take them out in the summer.

I just love touching your stuff Sarah-makes me feel close for a bit...just miss you so. Just is so long since you were here with us. So many miss you. We are trying to keep living and not just living, but living well--embracing the day, the moment--loving and living. Can't wait to see you again--love you so much. My girl.

Such a time

Wow, that is all I can say on some days. Here I am with Rick--putting his house on the market to begin the move to the east for him into a brand new life. Soon I will be his wife.

So much has changed in the last 6 months, so many things that have been new. Newly engaged, newly having lost my dearest daughter and friend Sarah. Newly unemployed at my old job, but newly employed at a new job. Losses and gains....so many things have changed.

Somedays there is nothing left in the well. Nothing left to try to use to navigate how to think or respond to all of this. Sometimes I am doing seemingly ok--then something triggers the inner part of my heart that is still raked raw from the grief of the tragic loss not so long ago. Tears come quickly and hot on my cheeks. The aching is swift to fill in my heart, mixing into the joy of the days I am also in---they swirl together and make a new flavor in my spirit and heart-a taste I have never tasted before.

I wonder how all this will play out in the days and months to come---much to look forward to---looking forward to 63 days till I say "I Do", and yet...my dear Sarah will not be there in person to celebrate this most wonderful love. 63 days will also take me to a land less familiar with where I am leaving. So--in 63 days-some gets better and more joyful, and some of me leaves the land I loved so well further behind. Life is so difficult at times---to live means movement and breathing--not staying and stopping. It tugs at me to keep going. I know I will go on, I know it will never leave this mother's dear heart totally---and all the time, you remind yourself over and over---heaven is coming, you will see her again....it won't be the same, but it will make sense then...you will see her in her glorious body, not broken and decaying as you did at the end. So many images still play before my mind still too often--only not spoken out loud much any more....what to do with them...as they find themselves as reruns when you don't even know you are watching till you have played it through.

Joy--something I pray for. God, I want joy that is not just feeling it...but a well of fullness that comes from the faith of all this is so true and real--and even in the sore losses, we experience a peace that comes only from being settled...settled in to the knowledge of it is all true. I sit down in this right now---and rest my head against your shoulder. Held by you, loved by you. Yes...that is right and good. I am tired. I am going to bed.

Such dear memories

My heart is tender, missing you.

remembering such sweet memories of times of togetherness, playing-laughing. Telling stories, singing songs. So many times with our feet in the sand. We have spent countless hours on the beach in our lives. Such fun.

There are days that seem to be so empty to me. It gets longer and longer since I have talked to you, yet still often think of you first when I have something new to tell or share. I ache right in the middle of my chest when I realize that you are not here then. I wonder often too what you are doing--how this eternal life really is? Life is so complex. So stretching of my belief system.

Sarah, dear Sarah. I am grateful for you in my life. I have spent so many years with you at the center of my heart. Can't think of too many things ever in the 29 years you were a part of me, that you didn't end up being thought of with all of it. Now---your life is drifting away. No matter how much I want to keep you very present, it just is not possible. I hate that, but know to keep living--I must embrace life. I know deep in my heart, that I will see you again. I so can't wait till that day happens.

Here is a prayer sent to me by Peggy Wheeler on 10/23-just less than one month after Sarah died. I think this prayer has held me fast during all these months since then. It helps me to have wild hope at when I see her again. May it bless all who read it---with fresh hope of heaven. May the salt breeze hit you in the face as your ship too turns its' last turn on your way home. May you have the hope of heaven in your heart!!

Let the stories of Sarah that we bring keep her memory fresh and let them bring healing. Allow Chris to treasure all of these things, and to slip them away for safe keeping in her heart. Let our efforts extended provide true comfort and in your timing. How I wish we all knew how to do this grief thing. Lord... this was never a part of your plan for your children, and we do feel robbed... death truly is a thief here in this place, on this side of eternity.
Grief... it does come in waves... aptly and curiously described in light of this tragedy. At times it seems to come at us from nowhere leaving us floundering in our own sea. Please steady Chris right now on the solid rock where you have placed her. Steady her, hold her fast, and when grief sits heavy on her chest and lodges tightly in her throat, remind her to breathe. Bring peace and bring your comfort. Wrap her in your strong arms where she is safe to rest, and grant her healing and merciful sleep I pray.
Oh Lord, my sister said that waking each morning brings overwhelming grief. I pray that you grant in the place of this suffocating grief a new image of hope that will melt warm over her when her eyes fly open at each new day.
In her minds eye Lord, I pray that you help Chris to imagine that she is aboard some beautiful and magnificent ship, where she is standing at the rail on the upper deck feeling the sun warm on her face, and the balmy sea breeze gently tosses her hair.The sound of sea birds and the smell of the salty air mixed with some sweet flower scent feels exotic yet somehow so familiar. She is filled with peace and excitement for the great ship is turning, ever slowing in the calm and beautiful blue waters. The ship makes its way into the port of call and then comes to a stop. In this place where they planned to meet, there are a sea of faces awaiting loved ones, and as she scans the crowd she catches the first sight of her.. her Sarah! She see her running wildly on the dock along side the ship. Her hair is unruly in the breeze and she pulls it back from her face as she looks up- She points to you as your eyes meet! Your heart pounds madly and at once you feel connected..... finally connected again. She smiles that wide and beautiful smile. She waves furiously, hurrying you in welcome. You cannot descend the stairs and get past the walls of people fast enough.She is jumping up and down, you are moving toward one another and your arms are open wide. You are running toward her open arms, and all the while she is yelling playfully- scolding you for taking so long to finally get home.
Amen

memories

It is a misty day out today. Yesterday was a difficult day for Christopher, Karalyn and I as we began to sort through the most dear and personal things you had Sarah. Tears mixed with smiles of remembering you in certain things-wearing certain things...loving your stuff. You were so colorful, so beautiful. I loved seeing how you mixed and matched the things you had.

It is such a hard thing to walk out grief. The work of grief is ever present-always in front of you with memories and possessions and empty places where you would be. I miss you so, so many people miss you so. We share the sarah stories--which make us laugh as you did so many things that still crack us all up. You were a unique and wonderful girl. We will never be the same knowing you. I am the most blessed mom to have gotten the assignment of having you for my one and only---oh my!! God blessed me so. I miss our times, our talks, all the fun we had. Your spot is so wide and deep in me. My heart aches sometimes so deep.

Somehow in the midst of the mist of this walk, I see the light ahead-maybe it is just heaven beckoning me to keep hoping. I do hope and hope in me is huge. I look forward to the eternal part still coming, still ahead. I can only imagine the wonders of the kingdom, what you are doing right this minute. Full of life--true life, eternal life. I want to share that life with all I meet--the people who don't know about it yet.

Wish you were here for my selfishness--to share the joy of my upcoming marriage to Rick. You would love him, you probably know more about him that I do!! He is a dear man and God is so kind to bring him alongside of me right now. I am excited for my future--but miss that you don't get to be part of this special time. You would be wild with ideas--I would be having a blast watching you put this all together with the flair of what only you could imagine!! You would stretch me in ways to embrace this new man in my life...."Mother---just get a life!! Don't hold anything back, embrace it, embrace him--go for it!!" I can hear you loud and clear Sarah C. I get it, I will not miss this, I will savor every moment of it and drink long and hard this wonderful cup of love given to me in the midst of deep sorrow and pain. God is kind to me. God is blessing me in the most beautiful way.

just know i miss you---God please hug and kiss my girl today---right in that special spot that she will know it is from me.

6 months

Just quiet in my heart today. Wondering what you are doing in the new place you live now. God give faith today to us on this side of the veil. Help me, us...to believe in the eternal wonder of your kingdom--no more death, no more sorrow...no more pain. I long to know this place someday.

I long to know that Sarah is there-to believe with this with my full heart today, to trust in you with all my heart. Not to lean on my understanding, which is so limited, so small most days.

God-you know my mother's heart-the sorrow spilling over. You know my weak frame, my limits. Help me to crawl right into your lap today, to rest in you. To know your deep love and care for me, for the ones who miss our girl. What a girl. What a dear and wonderful girl. So much love and joy and life from her. How we have been touched so by her. Her challenges to live-each moment, each day. Let us be about living well today. Help us to press on. Help me to not get lost today, nor tomorrow...to press on. To grieve with hope. Smiling with all my memories. Thankful for her in my life. Oh my--I did have such a wonderful time.

looking

There are days that it just doesn't seem like it is possible that it is all true to me. I look longingly out to the horizon on my mind, my life...and just see the landscape has been drastically and forever altered. Hardly a thing is the same. My heart even seems to beat differently. I breath differently. I see differently. I hold things close differently. I never will be the same.

I went to bed that night at 10 p.m. Put my head on the pillow, missing you all day Sarah--knowing it was the longest time I had gone without talking to you--just emailing. Just had read your email about wanting the rain to go away and to pray for you guys that day as you wandered through the cinque terra...never knowing....as I laid my head down...you had already left this life....the phone call was still to come and wake me from my sleep. The news of you being gone...to wake to that news. To wake up in a new land. To never be the same again. It will be 6 months tomorrow. I cry with tears of missing you. I cry for all of us who miss you so. Still trying to find shoes that will help us walk out this new land that has only memories of you. How to live with passion and fullness. How to embrace a new love and an upcoming marriage---and not have you to share in this joy. I know somehow in my heart and soul that you know of it, but it is not the same. This challenges me like nothing I have ever been challenged with. How to let you go--how to release you, but keep you tucked in. My mind isn't too level anylonger. My mind fights to stay upright. My mind fights to stay in today and not look too far back or too far forward with you missing...

Grief is something I can not handle. I have to run to Jesus right away--to not even ponder a minute in it right now. Some moments ache like a searing...crushing, agonizing...and those words are mere shadows of what my soul cries out to be explained. Then other moments, I believe and can't wait to see you in all the glory of your new life in heaven. Such schizophrenia of the mind.

My dear girl...my dear girl. so loved, so precious....so loved by so many. May God help us all as we come to the 6 months of your departure from us...hold us Lord close...Christopher, my family, her friends, all of us who have felt the loss so deeply. Can you kiss her and hold her for me, for us?

Resurrection

So looking forward to heaven. So looking forward to knowing the truth that I only hope in now. Sometimes I wish to see just for one second into heaven to help me press this life out with the passion I feel so much of the time. It would be like being on the high ropes course--knowing if you fall, you will not hit the ground, but be caught by the harness--so you start to leap from tree to tree, knowing you are really safe.

I miss you Sarah. I miss you mom and dad and Nancy--and the others who are gone. The ones of us left here, are beginning to look ahead more and more with an anticipation that yearns for the homeland.

I went away for Easter this year to spend the time with my fiance' and his family. I needed to do a new thing. I missed my family, I missed Sarah, I missed being at my home church. It was ok. It was a new season. I wanted to be with Rick as he begins the transition to a new place. Many of the lasts for him, firsts for us. Time doesn't ever slow down, the second hand doesn't begin to move less purposefully. Life is always moving forward--to the end moment when Jesus does come back for us. So, to press on, press forward with that hope of eternity ahead, that incredible hope--the biggest hope. The one thing that will never disappoint. To be secure in that hope. To have surrendered to Him, all I have, all I hope to have---to trust you Lord. Ah, that is the best.

I am home now. Moved away from the close contact with grief. Made a decision to pursue Jesus and let him handle the grief. He is my hope, my answer. I will look to Him for the help to walk this all out. I sure miss my girl. That is for sure. Many miss her...she would want us to fix our eyes on Jesus--He is the hope she had, I have.

So many new changes coming. New life, a wonderful new man. It is exciting. God is so kind to me. So kind to him. It is a new season. ALmost 6 months this week since Sarah went to heaven. How did the time go by. . . so swiftly.

miss you girl

Trying to walk through this season. Arms missing holding you. I had the best time being a mom to you. I know I always told you that too. Best job I ever had.

So many times to carry you just like this, still can feel the weight of you. You loved to be small, even as a full grown woman.

You were so unique and special Sarah. I loved your thoughts and your ideas. I loved talking about all the things we talked about. Sometimes we would be pretty passionate, but always loved listening to each other.

I miss you this Easter week dear girl. I miss making chocolate, easter baskets, dinner--going to church, thankful for time together. Loved coloring eggs every year of your life once you could do it. We loved holidays. I will miss it this year. God will help. I pray the Father hold you and kiss you for me tonight.

seeking True North, my dear Father

I have learned some things in the last days since I wrote. I believe God showed me I was leaning too far into grief and not into Him. He showed me I would perish seeking to understand grief and that I had begun to lean too far into something only He could do. He said again to me, like so many times in my life..."seek me first and my kingdom--and all things will be added to you." I had somehow thought if I leaned far enough into this terrible grief and sadness, I would walk out the other side, not destroyed, but able to somehow conquer it. I realized, it was way too much for me, would definitely take me out, destroy my mind, rob me of joy.

I am thankful for the ones around me who pray for me--who encourage me to press on. I am so thankful to my Father who said---"Enough Christine. Enough, it will take you out--but it can not take me out--I hold the power over death and despair. You will never be able to do this on your own. Lean into me-not your understanding. Hold fast to me and I will manage this grief. I will do it." I believe this Father. I believe you hold the power over death. I believe you will give me all I need to walk out this life and trust you. I love you Father.

tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace

this song touches my soul. i have learned more about grief in this season. i can see grief in the eyes of those around me like i never have before. i understand the pain that finds words empty. i cry with tears, without tears...such profound sadness at times. such emptiness.

Chris and I opened a drawer in their bathroom yesterday that had not been disturbed since sarah died. there before us was her big hairbrush...full of her hair, laying there. it did us both in. isn't it weird what undoes us. i can see that girl combing her long and beautiful hair--flipping it back, tossing it to the side...curling it, spraying it, lifting it off her face, pulling it back, pinning it up...she just was beautiful no matter what she did with it. people would always tell me--"do you know how beautiful your daughter is?" i would say yes, i sure do--don't know how she got to be so stunning...so pretty. but she was. she was beautiful inside and out. she knew it at some level and would dress in the most stunning outfits, then at the next time, look just as stunning in junk clothes. one girl told me she didn't really want sarah in her wedding because she would look so beautiful...she did anyway, but knew sarah was so pretty. we laughed about it...

oh my, God please help me to keep wandering through these such hard places, it seems like it will help lead me home....to peace, to acceptance, to joy again. when will i run out of tears...

dear, dear memories

What a blessed time I had with Christopher--with our tears mixing in the midst of sorting through all the things you had Sarah. You never could buy enough stuff--you had to have 15 brown eye shadows--one would not ever do. You needed to have back ups to everything, with backups to the backups...what a girl. The two of us now have to sort through all your collection of things. But in the midst, we laugh because it was so you. You loved shopping, having enough. I think we always had enough, so can't think that we were without, so now you needed it...you just loved to shop!

It is a time...we have much to do, but today we bit off a small piece of this to allow life to come again in areas covered with dust. May God continue to help us to do this work, this necessary part to go on. It is like pruning--you need to cut off the dead branches to allow life to come forth, flowers to come again, fruit to come again on the vine. It is so hard--the brutal cuttings that happen when the vinedresser goes at the grapevine to get it ready to have a new season---it seems like so much gets taken off---and then in the days to come, life comes to the vine, fruit fills the branches. So, Chris and I are going to press into this work of doing this pruning. Help us to know what stays and goes...in order to live this life you have for us well. We are blessed...many good memories, many good friends and family. Loved...and we will love well too.

today....

Today begins a new place--the first of undoing the places Sarah lived in space. I am heading to Chris's house shortly to begin to pack away her things. It has been over 5 months since she died. Dust continues to settle on the things she owned and kept close in possessions.

Life...what is it....

things begin to fall apart. decay...it is so short in so many aspects. over too quickly, too defocused in insignificant ways...caught up with distractions, bills, jobs, deadlines....all the things grabbing for our attention...things that matter, things that don't matter.....

thank you God for eternity. I know you never intended it to be this way when you created the garden. You meant for us to live with full hearts, full love, full passion. death was not your plan, it is not part of the design originally. I am grateful that we who know you-have such an eternal future. I have to crawl through the fog each day of this life to remember and hope in that. I choose each day to press on....even today. I need to have you so close today to Christopher and me as we touch the things she touched last. the special things she purchased to surround her presence. Help us not to go too far into the sorrow that we lose our way. Hold us close as we journey this path together to take this puzzle of Sarah apart and let it be.

you are close, help us to feel your arms, your presence...you deep help and love for us. we cry out to you God. Come and be so present.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull--or was it you?

Today after I came home from having lunch after church with Christopher and his friend--I felt somehow to stay in the garage-the door was open and Rick would be here soon. I was putzing around and when I turned around-here was a seagull standing right outside the garage door--looking right at me. I have never seen a gull do this--and here in the midst of 3 feet of fresh snow. The drive had been plowed, so there were puddles in the drive. The gull would go and drink some of the fresh water and then walk back towards me. He even came into the garage about 5 times and walked around with me. I have never seen a gull do this. I felt this was extremely holy---like somehow Sarah was letting me know she was ok--visiting me....not sure how all that works or how odd that stuff can get, but had a very strong sense of this being very real and about her. I felt very peaceful and happy! I felt reassured, felt great about it. I was talking to Marty on the phone too at the time and she knew it too. Then Rick got there, the gull didn't go far, I was feeding him some bread by then--Rick got to see him too....I kept feeding him, then we looked again and he was gone. It was a holy moment--one that I needed---just missing you fiercely--did talk with Christopher later and told him--think it meant something to him too. Helped me. Feel so empty for you at times. Feel so final about all this--and want to keep the remembrance of eternity and seeing you in heaven there too. Just am thankful for this today. Thanks God--know you let it happen!! I am blessed....

grateful

I am so grateful for the many, many days I got to take walks with Sarah. She and I were blessed to have years on the beach to play and talk and just enjoy the water and each other.

I try to wrap my dear mother's arms around memories now. I miss her hugs and her arms. Her hugs were now bigger than mine around her. I look forward to her hug when I get home to heaven. Somehow I think we will be able to hug when we get there cuz touch is so important to us now.

What a workout grief work is.

my dear girl

"I will miss seeing her face and hearing her voice and knowing she was always there close to me. She has crossed a river from me that I must wait to cross before I see her again. When I see a river, I will think of her." Terry Kay

Sarah loved elephants as a little girl and I would always buy her elephants-and here is a mother with her dead child at her feet. Oh Father, my daughter is gone now. I am at a loss of how to live without her presence. I know she has gone across the river to you and I will see her again when I too cross the river. Help build my faith today to trust in that truth-of heaven and eternal life. I look at pictures of mothers who have lost their children and the face is the same-of anguish and pain. I want to embrace that pain to learn to live with it and find life again in fullness. I want to trust that she is fully present in your presence now. I want to live that belief out in such a way that others too want to know you. I want to always point to YOU. The wonder of the kingdom of you. The sureness of eternal life in Jesus. I lean today into You Father--and trust you and believe in you. Thank you for the 28 years of Sarah's presence in my life. I am rich with memories of her and I. I am grateful beyond words. I had truly the best of the best with her. I hate that I get no more earthly memories with her. I know you will help me to heal and live in this new land. I thank you for your abiding presence as I deeply grieve this loss of dear Sarah C.

hold fast

God-you call us to follow you. I choose you today-to follow all the days of my life. I choose to hold fast. To hold on-to not let go. Lord, you never let go of me. I feel your strong hand holding me when I grow so weak. I am so grateful for you. You are so faithful when I am not. I love you so Lord. Help me just rest in your arms, your presence. Help me to be a poured out offering to others in this season. I am so grateful for all you have done. I am so grateful for the gifts you have brought to my life-the friends, the lavish love poured out on me and my family and friends in this season of grief. For Rick, what a beautiful gift. wow, you are good.

hope in a hopeful time

It is the same day and God you are kind. I so am amazed at how you speak to me. I am grateful to your tender arms that hold me so close. To hold me fast in a time of great change with so little the same. I know you will not leave or let me go. I am firm in your hands. Please protect me from the evil one who wants to crush me and my life with hopelessness and death of dreams and all. Please protect the ones I love-the same prayer for them-protect them. Give us great HOPE Father---bring incredible life to each of us, as we but pass this way but one time. We will walk oneday into the Kingdom of Heaven, for all eternity. Help each of us to walk tall, knowing YOU, knowing HOPE, knowing your constant presence. Knowing nothing can separate us from you or even each other, the ones who know you. That we have been promised this. I choose today again whom I will serve. I choose today again for a sound mind. I choose today again-to walk tall, strong in you but weak in myself and anything I can bring. I lay myself again before you--use me Father to show your kingdom. Show others yourself in my life however you want. I am loved so by you. I love your deep love for me. I rest in this truth. Your love is deeper and wider than anything. This love captured Sarah and holds her and she abides there now. Help me to know this so deep, in the depth of my soul, to find peace in this. I trust you Father.

it is a fight somedays

intentionally....pressing on. that is what i am doing. i don't feel like doing it on many days-today being one. i am aching in my heart. it would be good to dig your heart out of your chest on days like this. i look to you Lord for peace and acceptance in this final loss. i know it is for all times on this side of heaven in my head and my heart is not wanting to open that mail. i have taught all these years to live well, fully, intentionally-pressing on--going for the gold. living with abandon. this is the hardest thing i have ever done. walking on...walking on and forward. leaving the place sarah last was...knowing no new memories will come and that i will have to hold the ones that are from the days past. i hate that. i hate dust on memories--no freshness in them, just past things and places. no new ones.

i know you and she both challenge me to do what this piece of art she created says to do. i will fight hard to live, to press on...please bring peace to me. please help me to live today, not linger too long in the days of before. i know there is a balance in this place-a place to remember and also to live. i think i am near the border of it, but somehow feel lost most days right now. i feel as though i have been caught in a thicket of briars and am getting all scratched in trying to get through this hard place to freedom. i cry out to you God--you must come and rescue me, bring me to the full land of the living---where there is air and life and love and hope. i could loose my mind in this place of trying to reckon out this tragedy. it makes no sense to me, but do tragedies ever make sense? how do people find hope to move on past the shock of tragic loss? how can i, and the others who also have lost dear sarah? so many still wrestling out the horror of it. please help me to feel you close God---to speak, you have been silent in the days of now. I need you so. i need to feel your arms around me, reminding me of the hope of eternity. i need to have my mind get to the land of the living-not dwell in this place of loss so much. i feel the tiredness of the mind stuff, thinking too much. help me to set my mind on you-things above--the hope of you. help to settle this soon Lord. i am weary, my eyes are tired of crying. i am hating grief. i am tired. i need you God.

midnight again and not sleeping

when i look at this picture, i see such beauty and joy. how could minutes pass and end in such tragedy. 2 wonderful kids who had so much ahead of them-and had worked so hard to learn about loving and living out life. i ache again tonight. i am angry that you both don't get to enjoy more. i struggle with the truth of tragedy. tragedy means, no choice--but to walk out the truth of the end result. i feel your presence God--I know you will be present and help us. just today, i struggle with it all. struggle to understand and accept that this is so final and over.
talking to jill tonight and hearing her deep grief, talking to karen and hearing her deep grief, talking to my sister, my niece, my aunt, friends, so many and hearing their deep grief...ugh....and then piling my own on top of it---makes a big pile.
i wonder how to climb the pile of grief and make it over it. how will this begin to make any more sense. how will i live without her? how will any of it feel more at peace. Rick says the memories will someday bring a smile...how? how can it make me smile...
i am wrestling with the heaviness of this, the depth of it, the anguish of this. i want to hit something and break it-to hit something over and over to demolish it--that is what my grief feels like right now--to destroy something that wouldn't matter to anyone but to me---to pour out the anguish inside of me--to empty it and to feel the release...to dump it overboard.
i actually had lunch the other day with some relatives in florida and we were sharing about this story of sarah's death---over lunch, when all of a sudden i almost lost my mind...thinking--how do you talk about your dear and only daughter's tragic death over lunch...it was insane! i wanted to stand up and yell---"do you know this is totally nuts!!! i am talking about her death while eating lunch." how crazy is that.
then i think about all you who may be reading this--what is happening to this poor woman...well, i am ok...it just hurts like hell. i know God will bring me through this--and will ease the soreness of my aching heart--and will bring peace. don't worry--it is just grief is awful ugly and messy. please don't try to fix it. please just pray for me and all of us who miss our dear sarah so. please pray for the comforter to come faithfully--daily, minute by minute to strengthen us and encourage us to press on--to not loose sight of the goal and prize. to love God with all our hearts and souls and minds. I will not give up. I will live with courage and honor and praise. it is just ugly--and hard and sad and makes me madder than i have ever been. i miss my girl. i miss my dearest friend. i miss hearing her talk and laugh and bring such joy to all of the ones who know her. i miss her life fullness---and energy. i miss that she would be having the time of her life helping me plan a wedding--making me laugh and be so full of joy. i miss that she would be maybe pregnant by now--and still trying to finish school and take care of all of us--and making us take time to live. she would be so intentional about all of it, wouldn't she.

we must honor that memory and live well. i am doing as good as i can. Chris is too---pressing on. pressing on....sorry this is a post that will not make total sense. it is late, i have been having more trouble this week with anger--just am mad to have to walk this out. mad...mad....sad....missing her...missing our stuff...missing all the new memories. it is so final lately...over, done...no more...
heaven is ahead...seems far off....hopeful though.
miss you girl.