15 years. September 27 2007-September 27, 2022

 As we all come to this 15th anniversary, I find myself less on words and in deep quietness seeing this many years have gone by. Grief is a long journey that you really don't have any idea about.  You just feel your way along each day and week and month and year as it goes by...anniversaries and birthdays and special "Just to me days" find me remembering...as I am sure everyone who loved and knew you also does.

I was writing in my morning pages and realized that part of the wordlessness I feel is that the container I had for this journey of loss is out of letters to form words..inside the container, there are broken letters and just a few at the bottom of my heart to form new and meaningful words to speak my heart at 15 years...it is like an almost empty box of alphabet cereal---just a few letters and lots of dust and crumbs.  Somehow it felt significant, as this year, in just a few weeks, we will place your ashes in Lakeview Cemetery--in a glassed in area--for others to see and visit.  I am trying to find things to place in there with you...what in the world will those things be?  So many of the little items I have are meaningful to me...our journey...help me Papa to find what will be there.

So, somehow it seems like a new time is beginning...a turn in this long road of grief...new discoveries...Fuller hope of heaven and resurrection...Missing you still fiercely...as many do.

I wish we could have gone to Italy...just to sit there.  be very still.  Your ashes will now be in Little Italy and others can visit you there...and sit and remember their own stories with you.  I'm so glad you have impacted so many on the way...your love for life--your passion for adventure and love and each thing you loved...so impactful. 

Just miss you my girl.  Each day is closer to seeing the fullness of what you already know.  

My words are few, my heart is still living with courage.  Thankful for the ones I travel this journey with...my Rick, my family, my dear friends...so blessed.  

But it still catches my breath, knowing that it is now 15 years.  too long.

 As the days grow longer since you've been gone, I find myself with less words.  Seems that the days are long... in these days around your anniversary of your death, then just short weeks till your birthday would be.  I don't feel like talking much.

I miss you...and wish I could remember you better...with something fresh--a new picture, a new memory...not just revisiting the old ones...but the journey changes.

A new part of the journey is that Christopher has found a place for your ashes...we went there in July to see it...and picked out this place.  It is in Little Italy...in Lake View Cemetery in Cleveland.  

So, in the future, we will design this nitch we picked out for your ashes to be held...and someday both Christopher and my ashes will be there too.  I'm still processing all this.  Not many words.  It is time, but then time seems to not understand the heart.

Lake View Cemetery...this is the future home. By the Mayfield Road gate--right to the right when coming in.

The 4 of us have been on quite a journey--and we share it together...with a tenderness that defies any words.  

Italy...even here in USA

So proud of his life...both of us held up.

this is the entrance for the place.  Sarah's ashes will be on the left right inside the door.

sitting looking at this space...deep in thought.

The space is the 2nd one up between us.

               When we first arrived, this was in the bathroom...the sign of the pilgrimage for the Camino...It really touched me more than any words can say....it is time.

So, it is over 14 years now.  that's really all.  A big time for our hearts...so we will soak in this for now.  Keep Walking...trusting.  Held.  Loved.

14 years now since you haven't had a birthday song

 Awake, and when it comes---I know to come write.  It is time to get all the words off my heart.  I have been trying hard to not get drug under the water with my sorrow...to stay afloat in the life I am trying to live...it seems to swirl in me and then more and more memories come and they begin to weigh my heart down and I fear to go with them into the depths of sorrow.  I fight to live well, awake, in love with my life, my art, my love.  So much to still live for.  Then there is the horror of the whole ordeal of you dying and being gone.  You brought such life and laughter and fullness--everytime you walked into the room.  You didn't know how to make a quiet entrance--it was as if you came into the moment with the sunshine.  There truly was no one like you.  I think back to the thousands of memories that only you and I knew about---the years of when it was just you and me.  It was hard when your dad left us and we began to make our own life, but we did.  And you grew up--and we had so much fun, even in the days that were just regular days.  We traveled and did things to bring more color to an ordinary growing up.  

I am so glad we made the choices to do things as you were gone so young, with so much left---that is the part that is so hard to not go there--so many things I knew you were looking forward to, memories to make, children to have...a career to fulfill...dreams and schemes...a franklin planner full of dates to fulfil with your friends, family, me and with Chris.  

So, here I am again, November 19, 2020...3:27 p.m.  42 years later.  I was waiting and probably couldn't sleep tonight all those years ago---uncomfortable with the weight of you in my belly...waiting to take your first of many breaths.  A parent should never bury their child...so many lines stated in movies...and it is true, but in my life, it has happened.  Rick never got to know you--and you would have loved him so much and he would have loved you too.  There is an emptiness in us that is missed.  But it is what it is and again, this date is right here before me...  It isn't  your death day, which is hard to even breath through since it just is....but it would be your birthday and you loved that day---you loved being celebrated-and you always loved celebrating the birthday's of those you loved...so on your birthday--why wouldn't it be all about you.  

Too many words to not type or say--too many detours to avoid to keep sane...too many places I almost see you and hear you. 

I know...you are safe in heaven and more glorious than I can even ever imagine...and that is a comfort...sometimes...and sometimes, not enough to hold me upright.  Tonight...I teeter on the edge of that fine line...

I'm glad I had all the minutes and days and years.  So, that is what I will celebrate again...what was given, as that is all you get...and again...the reminder to stay present, not in a bad way, but embracing what you have right now....I don't want to sound morbid or that I live in a way of waiting for the other shoe to drop...I did for quite sometime, but not now---I live well with full heart.  I stay away from these words I'm putting on this page...it is to hard to write more than once or twice a year.  I am wise with the use of them...it would drain me...leave me empty.  I feel the angel holding my shoulders and keeping me upright...saying, "don't stay too long here...leave these words here and live"

So, I loved it all Sarah...every moment.  even hard times...you were quite a handful at times...I don't think you knew you tested my last nerve as much as you did.  I knew you were a firecracker...and so full.  But, how proud I was of how you faced the sadness and sorrow of your dad leaving and him dying so young...and the other things too hard for your heart...you faced much and overcame and lived with a brightness many of us so loved and now miss.  

you loved to be sung to---even as a young child,  you had 5 songs...and if I didn't sing them all at bedtime, you would laughingly and in a knowing that was too young to know that this might someday be true---you would say to me, "mom, if I die, you will be so sad you didn't sing them all to me."  Wish I could sing to you again sweet Sarah C.  Miss you so.  I hope you somehow can know how much we all love you and miss you.  

mom

Nights are hard

 Just can't sleep. My mind goes where it wants, even as I try to be careful. Memories of these last days before you died... Thinking how fully you were living, how happy you both were, in Paris, in Lake Como... Last fling before you started your family.... So full. You lived backpacking. The 2 of you were so excited to go, to step away and you could show him how to do this. I love that Chris flew to Spain to see you in the fulness of your travels and finds love together. This trip was to be your trip. We were to see you in Rome and Venice... Missing your train in Paris by 1 minute made it all change... But, I do know the Father had your last day in his plan... This was not a mistake, yet it can drive my mind crazy at times...

These nights after you died were the worst... Long hours till dawn... I remember these hours on nights like tonight. I miss Harry, he always stayed next to me. He somehow knew. Rick would come out and be by me if I asked, but even he knows I need to just write. 

Does it help? At least words get out of my head. Too many thoughts and replays... Over and over... Nearer the day now of your death. Chris is in it too... Holding on. Trying to stay from the wave. That wave....

Smellls and sounds from that land. So much kindness, so much sorrow. The church is probably remenbering her... So touches me... Wish I could be there, then I wouldn't have to imagine it, I'd be present, I'd smell the air. Somehow it would be a comfort. I am too far away... No place to go... Hard. 

13 years, 2020

 

I remember on this day, how very small you came to me...you just looked a bit chinese in your eyes.  Such small and soft fingers.  You already had a fierce grip, on me, on life.  I was amazed to have birthed you and knew what a gift I had been given.  I really never thought I would have a child, so I was in such wonder.  I am smiling as I write this as memories of those early days swirl by my mind.  I knew I had been blessed to have a child as I knew too many who never got to have one of there own.  I just was telling Shari about the day you were dedicated to the Lord, I lifted you up with both my hands and could almost hear the Lord say, "She isn't yours" and I released my fingers from my hold and just let you lie in both the palms of my hands.  Never were you mine...you never were anyone's but your own and the Lord's.  That did help me to know you were His when you left this earthly home to go to His.  Short life-28 years, but that is what you were given. 

This is where I am in spirit today--at this memorial...I am here and will be in my heart as we walk these days till the 27th....then pack up our hearts to live another year---if given that gift.  Year after year, I make a heart pilgrimage to this land so far away.  Manarola, It is hard to have this land so far away....sometimes that ache of not being there right now is too much.  I can smell the sea air, I hear the waves...I sense you there, yet know that is wild and can be too much.  The flowers in my heart are there to leave with so much love...I think Paula will bring some for you...she often does.  That means so much to me.  Franco even wrote this morning of "un abbraccio".  Made me cry.  

So many of us who have lost, each with our own suitcases--carrying them in our heart--sometimes all the content gets spilled out on "remembering days", or days we just were not expecting.  I feel I've journeyed long now with this suitcase of my own, and sometimes, I have to empty some and leave it as the load gets to heavy and I'm getting too old to carry too much.  I know others who are just getting their first suitcase and learning how to pack it, and how to carry it...just is such a journey.  so hard...so much to learn...

You are such a joy, a beauty--still loved by so many, my sweet girl.  So many who knew you and were inspired by your freedom and fierceness and joy.  We all so miss you and can hear your laugh...when we listen. Thank you.  

This is the view from your memorial site...so calm, so beautiful...so hard. A photo send to me by someone who visited your memorial.

You left us when so young...so much ahead.  So full when that last step took you home.  In fullness of life, gone.  That is a place of where my mind must not wander.  We must release you to the fullness of the Kingdom and the fullness of that eternal home with hope of more than we can ever imagine.  I fix my eyes on this hope.  I live it every day.  I walk forward.  I have learned to be careful to not linger in places of getting lost in this.  I will run when it is my time, into this land.  Laughing and grateful.

This life each of us has been given is a gift.  Each day, each moment is a gift from Papa.  He knows and is present and helps.  I lean into Him for my breath.  I press on.  I hope in Him.  I love this precious gift I've been given.  My tears are held by him and kept by Him and are precious to Him.

A gift made for Sarah by friends.  A tribute to her life.  True words.  Blessed this momma.  Just think...it could have been that maybe no one ever liked her---but so untrue.  She was loved deeply, by so many.  Remembered well by many.  This 27th, there will be many toasts and tears again, as we stop and remember.  Then each of us will again pack up our tender thoughts and memories, wrap them in tender clothes full of tears and walk on...holding them close as we live well.  

13...long time.

am still learning and seeing with the eyes you give me to see....12 1/2 years later....

I was given this picture of the older man carrying a girl and pointing...right after Sarah died by my dear friend Peggy Wheeler...she said it is from a children's book...can't remember right now which one...but it spoke to her of Sarah and God carrying her....to heaven. At the time, it deeply blessed and ministered to my broken momma's heart...

Then, at Sarah's ceremony 7 months after she died, the President of the Cinque Terre--Franco Bonanini, had this painting of her commissioned by Silvio Benedetto,  It is a stunning painting that he did--he did this from her last photo which Christopher took before she was taken into the sea by the wave. 

At the celemony to honor her, Silvio described--of course in Italian, why he changed the colors from the original picture, to reflect what he had heard of Sarah's romantic nature...it has hung in my home since the moment he said "la mamma" and handed it to me in July 2008.

This morning during my quiet sabbath morning...I was listening to the worship song "Oceans", by Hillsong...a song which blesses me and causes me to cry so.. as I was listening and looking at this painting, I became aware, for the first time of an eye near the bottom of the painting...and I was stunned and it deeply caught my breath.  I stayed in this for a long time...and then remembered this other picture given to me...the eye seemed so familiar...I had put this picture in my treasure box Rick had given me on our 1st Christmas after we married in 2008.  I hold many treasures in there...many of Sarah's last things and gifts.

As I found it and held it to the painting...more tears than words came...yes...a great similarity...2 different artists, but they captured an eye...the eye of God?  Yes to my soul....and a comfort to this momma...

I shared this with Rick and then he saw a set of another eyes above this single eye---seeming to be looking upward...was this her angel, another part of the trinity?  Both of us deeply touched today...many tears...just amazed...grateful for our hope in heaven.  Our Poppa who continues to reveal and be on the move. 

I am sore in my momma's heart...so many tears still, seems there is no end...but I know she is good...and home.  and someday, so will we both be...and until then, hoping and believing.

9/27/2019   
12 years.  I don't even know this road..

grief is a long journey if you keep living and i am trying my best to do that.  i am not sure how many days i will be given, and that is the wonder of it.  HOPE is my core of my heart.  I HOPE with all my being.  I stay to the course, the path given.  I fix my eyes on Jesus. Hope springs forth--sometimes heaven feels so very close. i close my eyes and sense....

i miss you sweet girl.  i think of you so very often.  i wonder and if too long...i can slip into place of deep sorrow.  i guess that is how us momma's do it when one of our babies goes to heaven before we do.
 we cared so for you for however many years or days we were given after carrying you in our belly---or waiting for you to arrive however you did--to our welcoming arms.  i couldn't wait to hold you.  i held my belly long before i held you in my arms and i never got enough of that.  i can still feel your hugs.

 i am that...a grieving momma...those words are a lament...a song sung in my soul...sometimes the sound that can come from my soul is so deep and cutting...i feel i could pull out my heart and squeeze it till all is gone...i am not the same.  i have changed.  i walk and run and work and play and paint and laugh and cook and sleep...but i am not the same.  my core is changed.  a part of me is gone.  it just is.

 This man is a true gift given to me.  i am grateful beyond any words i could ever say.  I can't imagine how my life would have been without this gift.  I am just loved, held, a partner with the kindness man i've ever know.  thank you Father.  So many fires were made on this beach...with so many people who came to remember....I miss them all this year, as this year is different...we will not be with any of them.  We live in a new land.

 i miss this land...our beach...our lake...a place i wish today i could sink my toes into.  we have a new land.  we have many new beautiful beaches, but today and in these days...i want to be here.

 where i am in my heart right now---lingering...sitting on the bench infront of your plaque...quiet, watching the water...listening...waiting...i don't know what for...but i need to stay for a long time.

 yes, by so many.  and you are...so loved.

you are my sweet girl.  i will hold you again someday, but all will be changed...and i can't even imagine. it will be fuller and more than i can imagine...and i will run with a freedom i can only imagine.  HOPE will be fulfilled with all the best of the best.  I will see and know and no more pain or sorrow...

but for now.....
i will press on.  I will love well and full.  I will breathe deeply and fully of moments.  I will toast small things and big things.  I will listen and be near and present as best I can.

in the midst of that, the well of my tears is full and spills out...so this week of your death anniversary when you were so very young...i will walk softly, carefully.  i get lost and it is hard.  no map.

no map.

New land 2019

Wow.

It is hard to believe we have moved and are now in New Bern NC.  I find this move challenging in so many ways--leaving behind my family and friends again.  I moved back in the 80s to Newark Ohio when going through my divorce.  Then moved back home in 2002 when Sarah had moved to pursue her relationship with Christopher.  I stayed there--eventually moving back into our beach cottage in 2004 and stayed there till we moved a month ago.

Just wow....so here I am.  In a whole new land.  Unpacking and choosing what can stay, what will be part of the journey here.  It has been sort of deeply freeing in a way...a finding of myself in a place I haven't really taken the time to do ever...seems like careers, and other things always banter for time and your energy. 

I am sitting in what will be my new studio.  Oddly enough, in the last year as we considered relocation--to who knows where, I began to feel I had outgrown the space Rick had created for me.  It felt tight, I worked more in the garage...yet still loved being in there.  As I began to pack last June--I started with my Sarah's corner--a place to honor and remember...and just savor my heart. 

I tucked away these precious few things I had kept to remind me...to treasure and keep...little things...of no value to anyone but me...

So now, here I am in a whole new place, touching and feeling these same things again...trying to discover if they will find a home here..and oddly enough...some are and some are not.  I find myself entering a new season of what it is like to live while missing your sweet daughter...who is gone over 10 years...tender is my heart with this...

I can hardly find words that help this even make sense...My word for 2019 is Pilgrimage...and it is a deep and full word...I've been on this for many years, yet this year, it makes sense to hold it before me.  A pilgrim is a brave soul willing to venture forth to a new land...to discover...what will be discovered. 

A pilgrim can't carry too much or your hands will be too full to touch and embrace anything new...so the treasure box is a place you can leave things to venture forth.  I am doing this every day right now--it is part of this new season.  A season closer to heaven too for me.  I don't want to hold onto anything that keeps me from doing this, so am being quite brave...

I have had a rich and full life...and am so very grateful.  I wish Sarah were here to see and know...yet, I don't think I would be doing this is my life were full of her and her children and life to be lived with that gift.....
Rick's kids and grands are all beginning to live their own lives--as they are older.  I hope we are good examples of living full.

So, here it is, today...a day I am beginning to see a new land, a new place to live from...thankful for Rick.  Memories of my sweet Sarah C...tucked in my heart...Hoping to someday tell her I was brave enough to keep on and live from a fullness...coraggio...

remembering the beginnings of honoring the day

today is the day before you died in 2007.  it is early.  I wake up and ache.  I try to go back to sleep.  no chance of that.

I come to this blog to write.  I don't know what I will write, I just hope it will get some of the ache out of my fingers where it feels so very full.

I go to my pictures and find these--the very first time we crossed the day you died...and we took some of your ashes and put them into Lake Erie, on your beach, "Sarah's beach".

Many came that year-to be together, to honor a life, to be near each other...still lost in this whole thing...

Sue had tshirts make for us--we bought them from her to get money raised for your scholarship fund--for art therapy students-Chris's idea...which is still going on.

I forgot that all these people came that day--and stayed and ate and drank and told Sarah stories...this cottage was full...full of ones who loved you so.  tears...toasts...this is the day it began...remembering you.

now it is year 11.

quieter now.  no party.  trying to figure out what to do tomorrow to honor you.  

I get lost.  so do others still.  the hallway is quiet on this side of heaven.  we who are still here just hang hard onto hope.

Hope

I Hope in heaven.  

I hope I see you again.

All will be made new.

Trust.

Believe.

But right now in the midst if remembering that you had your last full wonderful day of life with Chris today in Italy---and had no idea it was your last...my oh my...that is a place I walk so softly through.

Memories--tomorrow brings some of the worst for me.  my fingers search the keys on this keyboard for what is trying to be said....like a dance they move but do not type, searching...searching..

so, I will go now and drink some coffee.  I will listen to the rain.  I will hope in heaven.  I will trust.

I will live today. 

I will be gentle today with me, with others who don't know my sore momma's heart.  I will lean against Rick, the gift God gave to me to walk out this journey for now...and be thankful.  

I miss you sweet girl.  I miss you.

                                           sweet uncle Tim...playing for you

                                                      Yagabanuch toasts began this day.

                                              Rick and our kids, never knew their sister.

                                 so many of your friends who miss you...…

                                        so many came, I had forgotten all who did.

                              Your boss and dear friend, they honored your memory, an art room dedicated and scholarship created and maintained.

                            my dear friends who come up from Neward….here to honor you

                        a silly picture, but St Francis was dear to us in Le Spezia

                                               my sister and Shari....my dear ones

                                           family

                              My dear, dear son...so proud of him...living as well as he can, brave...loved.