moving forward

Today is sometime since I have written...not that there are not many words in my heart to put here...it is just hard to do somedays. It is like the handle on the pump to get them flowing is stuck--needs greased.
I am trying to move forward. Today is a good day, but to tell the truth...it was just a week ago I thought about being committed...so just will not put all my eggs in one basket yet....

loss....grief....emptiness....aloneness, loss of dreams, loss of the future you thought was coming. New players, new people, new names, new journeys...it is amazing and also is so beyond your ability to process when tired.

I have learned to be very careful not to do too much on one day. To conserve, to take care. I am not able to be all I was...maybe I wasn't to be anymore anyway. It is hard to say as where I was and who I was is never to be again either. It is new-a new land. Someone prayed over me about 6 months ago and said the painting of my life up to that moment was done. The canvas was lifted off the frame and was now sitting on the floor---completed. Not one more brush of the paint to alter it would ever happen again. But Jesus had lifted a brand new canvas and set it on the easel...and he held in his hands a palatte full of paints--waiting to start this new painting--he was excited and intent...and I would see it beginning.

i have seen the strokes of His brush and felt the colors coming on me. i have felt the closeness of His gaze on me-intent on what and where He would be creating. He is not randomly brushing here and there--but it is deliberate. I feel His presence...I feel His touch. Sometimes I see His tears as He knows the colors are hard at times for me to embrace...the colors of sorrow...but I see the colors on the pallate and they tell me Joy will be coming and becoming part of what He is making of me in this new land. I trust you Father...you are good to me, kind to me. I am learning much in this new land. Help me stay the course, catch the wind, set my rudder to hold fast. I do not want to miss this journey...