where have all the flowers gone.

feels like my soul is like this tree today. where did the leaves go that brought protection from the winds of sorrow and cold. i ache lately. the longer it goes, there are then days that seem like it will be endless---the ache.

i try to stay in the present moment and on times like this, it is like it takes all my energy to do that. more words that are full of my feelings go into the paper of my journal than here...sometimes afraid to write the truth of my journey here. then may hear words about--"why isn't she doing better?" and things like that. then i remember this blog is mine and needs to have freedom to write what i need to write here, and no one ever needs to read it nor comment.

the air seems heavy and difficult to breathe in when i get to this place. seems thick. seems murky and hard to use. my chest seems to have trouble to handle it, hard to make it rise and fall with the breath i take. ache. here it is november...and you would have been 30. we talked so about this birthday and the bash it was going to be.

i found a sheet yesterday with the plans on it that we talked about for your baby shower i would have for you---all the things you wanted to have at it....ugh...read it about 10 times...then closed the small book it was written in---and put it away. didn't throw it away---thought about it...why ever read it again...didn't seem ready to do it yet.

want to be better...not hurt so much...but how can it be that way when it is so final.

the trees teach me about seasons and that a new season is ahead...and new leaves will come and bring life to this aching soul of mine...and i think they will be more beautiful than ever before...and will have a color of green never seen. the shape will even have softer edges...not so sharp. i hope i do better next season...don't think i can ever lose so great a treasure ever again while i breathe this life. hope not...but you just never know, do you?