Sept 22, 2016

i have learned that the weeks and days coming up to the anniversary of your death are days to be very gentle, careful...navigate with eyes open...heart soft.  watch out for the distractions and interruptions...be slow to speak, slow to make big decisions.  make sure to get enough sleep, eat well, stay hydrated.  talk short about the stories that are near to the surface...be careful yet real.

don't try to answer the question ahead of time---"what do you want to do on the 27th?" when asked because I don't know..and even if i think i know, i will probably do something else that day...as i am trying just to get through this day.

i have learned that i want to be in the Cinque Terre during this time, every time...not here.  i feel lost in this land when it didn't happen here...it happened there and here it feels like i am a stranger...without any map or place to go that feels like it honors you...holds you...not that others don't deeply miss you and grieve so much and life is so changed for them too.

since i have been there, the images of that place swirl all the time...the air, the water, the town of manarola, riomaggoire, vernassa, all of them...the people, the food, the smells...the walkway, the stairs up and the stairs down...and the garden and the statue, the church, the compass...the steps we sat on, the playground, the flowers and the bushes, the bench, the view...the flag...the harbor...the statue of that beautiful woman holding the grapes...so naked in her beauty...and her story.

the plaque, the flowers, the bottle with sand and treasures from our beach...the vase that holds your picture...and then the memories of sitting below before the ceremony...hearing horns playing....wondering what and where that music was coming from.............

so, here seems so foreign...so distant...far from the heart land...

so glad we got to go back...Rick with me...my sister and aunt...so dear and near every step...every day...and they have their own grief...their own journeys they take every year...each season...seeing it all over their faces too.

grief...

sorrow.

loss.

just today.
today...i will keep breathing, walking slowly, eating well, sleep well, hydrate...have hope in heaven.

this year, Harry is gone...he was so close to me after you died...and now he is gone too...

never get better at doing this.  never were supposed to.

heaven. so glad...can feel it....sense it, love to lean into the soft, thin veil...feel and sense...

how to end this...well it is just today...will stop today.  missing...