Your death anniversary is coming soon on the 27th. My last day I saw you in person is soon... This week..
Memories swirl all about me trying to pull me in I resist going to far and too often, they can take me in and trip me up and I lose my balance in living. Loss and grief are not always friendly in their visits. The come softly and bring a smile and a tear... Sometimes great laughter and many tears, but they feel good .. Then comes a place you don't want to go. It's a slippery place. The memories you still find are like broken shards of glass threatening to open healed scars, still so tender... No one mentions them, it is just your heart that slips off the path and finds places that show you the evidence of your death. Then , you fight to swim away you don't have enough air, you panic.. It is a horrifying place you don't want to go... And yet, it comes again .. Just like an unwanted wave.
So today, I am here at a another year of marking soon. 11.
People have been asking how I am... So kind of them to remember and ask. I feel seen and loved. They too have their places it is difficult to walk. I see them too. I see their sorrow when our eyes meet and in the silent hug.
I woke the other morning from a dream, a very natural dream... We were ordering Chinese and I heard you tell me, "mom, I'll have sweet and sour pork" and I said, "of course you will , that's all you ever get" . .. And we laughed... Natural... Real .. A moment you were here .. A kiss to your sore momma's heart. Just for a second I felt like it never happened .. A gift, a visit ...
So, I may of may not write again ... This year, but this journey is long .
I met finally a woman who wrote to me right after the article was on the Plain Dealer Her name is Betty, she lost her 52 year old daughter to cancer. She is 95. She is a strong believer. I was so blessed to finally put my arms around her and hold her close. I felt you and Debbie were watching and glad. You both worry about your mommas.
I'm meeting with some of your friends and your Aunt Marty this Friday to watch your high school graduation video .. It is hilarious. We will laugh and tell "Sarah stories". Then we will go on our way and try to smile and live.
Long journey ..
Enough for today
3 comments:
Hi Chris, this is Nick Orum. You and I had written each other a couple of years after you lost Sarah -- my wife and I were in Cinque Terre that day. Just wanted to let you know that I somehow came across your blog at some point years ago, and see your updates every year (I have your blog in my RSS reader, so I see the updates automatically). I hope that is OK. Anyway, just wanted to know that I'm thinking of you and your family, to wish you the best, and to thank you for sharing your memories of Sarah.
Nick
Thank you so much for this post Nick, I certainly remember you and your wife--I will never forget your kindness that day to Christopher and also to trying to save Sarah. It means a lot to me that you are in touch. I hope we meet someday--as we have been richly blessed by many we haven't met yet who helped somehow--or have now visited her memorial area and write. It means so much each time we get any touch as we think of her everyday.
This week coming up to the 27th is especially tender--with memories. So, thank you again. You have deeply touched me,
God's kindness and peoples kindness is the touch that sometimes feels like a pacemaker that keeps our hearts beating. Love you my dear sister, I am close.
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