10 years....in rememberance of you.

 my fellow travelers...through it all...

 another one who misses you so....

 Finally found....10 years it was right in my bathroom in the Bath and Body Works container...found...and worn....and loved.

So, a year later, marking 10 years.  Some of the pictures marking another year you are gone away.  I feel a bit more like you have been gone a very, very long time. 

I found myself in my studio yesterday, the day before your death, looking around at all the art we have created for our fall show and thought...you have never seen all this, yet I sense you have.  I wish I could hear you say something like, "Wow mom, didn't know you had all this in you." ...in your really amazed voice...of course, holding a big glass of Merlot, getting ready to toast it all.

You were an amazing part of my life.  You grew into fullness and vigor...and such passion---unleashed.  Many who knew you were drawn to that fullness of life.  Me too---I was amazed at the beauty you had become.  I remember your battles when you were young...so many...yet, you pressed in and on, you did your work.  

So, here we are, a year later...still missing you, still here.  Someday, we will be gone too.

my heart aches...a fierce ache...a deep place that water doesn't seem to reach quite yet, so soften.  I feel like part of me left for sure when you did.  Something I will never recover in this life.  It is a mom's part...left a hole...a place never filled or fixed.  a limp.

many have continued to journey this road near me...this year has been full of life.  many new memories made.  yet,  your voice is silent...even if we often say what we thing you would say...it is still in our false "Sarah's" voice...and we laugh...and then each of us is quiet in that place and we miss you.  

The day is beginning to get light out...coffee feels warm in my belly.  Candles and music and the smell of roses scent the air.   The day will begin...we will do our best to toast you...try not to slide into the place of death memories that still haunt us uninvited.  That is not a place to be.  To live...so, again...I say, I love you my sweet girl, my sarah c.   my pumpkin noodle.  you were the best...can't wait to see you again.  

your mom....
and your dad who misses you so too.  

New paths

We are 2 weeks now since dad's passing. He made it 2 weeks after his last dialysis. We were blessed to journey these last 6 months near him.

The funeral had his fingerprints all over it. His singing. He ended with a song called Celebrate Me Home. along with the simple words he wrote to all of us. He "Hopes to see us again someday... Depending on what you believe".
He lived well. He loved well. He was one of a kind. We will never forget.

So now to find our path again. The waterplant destroyed the path I've known most of my life. It all seems to be relevant to now. Searching... Both Rick and I... For next steps. Slowly we listen. Linger. Quiet. Receiving.

Thankful.

Our sweet dad

Rick's dad's last dialysis today. He has decided to stop. We have been here over the last 5 months many days.

Now...a new journey to heaven begins today. What a great 2nd dad he has been for me. I love him so.

He told me he will look for Sarah and tell her I love her. She will be watching for him too. I sense it. She loves him too.

These releasing times are so sacred. I am very thankful to walk with Rick. What a blessing. So many words, yet no words.

Sept 22, 2016

i have learned that the weeks and days coming up to the anniversary of your death are days to be very gentle, careful...navigate with eyes open...heart soft.  watch out for the distractions and interruptions...be slow to speak, slow to make big decisions.  make sure to get enough sleep, eat well, stay hydrated.  talk short about the stories that are near to the surface...be careful yet real.

don't try to answer the question ahead of time---"what do you want to do on the 27th?" when asked because I don't know..and even if i think i know, i will probably do something else that day...as i am trying just to get through this day.

i have learned that i want to be in the Cinque Terre during this time, every time...not here.  i feel lost in this land when it didn't happen here...it happened there and here it feels like i am a stranger...without any map or place to go that feels like it honors you...holds you...not that others don't deeply miss you and grieve so much and life is so changed for them too.

since i have been there, the images of that place swirl all the time...the air, the water, the town of manarola, riomaggoire, vernassa, all of them...the people, the food, the smells...the walkway, the stairs up and the stairs down...and the garden and the statue, the church, the compass...the steps we sat on, the playground, the flowers and the bushes, the bench, the view...the flag...the harbor...the statue of that beautiful woman holding the grapes...so naked in her beauty...and her story.

the plaque, the flowers, the bottle with sand and treasures from our beach...the vase that holds your picture...and then the memories of sitting below before the ceremony...hearing horns playing....wondering what and where that music was coming from.............

so, here seems so foreign...so distant...far from the heart land...

so glad we got to go back...Rick with me...my sister and aunt...so dear and near every step...every day...and they have their own grief...their own journeys they take every year...each season...seeing it all over their faces too.

grief...

sorrow.

loss.

just today.
today...i will keep breathing, walking slowly, eating well, sleep well, hydrate...have hope in heaven.

this year, Harry is gone...he was so close to me after you died...and now he is gone too...

never get better at doing this.  never were supposed to.

heaven. so glad...can feel it....sense it, love to lean into the soft, thin veil...feel and sense...

how to end this...well it is just today...will stop today.  missing...

Now this is a big heart rock.....

Sarah C...you never do anything small...never...hahahaha

You always walked with a firmness, even little with an authority that commanded attention.  You filled a room--with beauty and presence.  I have silently asked the Father for a touch from you in these very tender days of your death month...a touch to let me know...somehow...you are....you are fully alive...fully living in the kingdom...fully all you will ever be.

I miss you fiercely, your presence...your beauty, your fullness in all life.

Your dad and I were sitting on the beach last night watching this sunset...it is fall and the season is changing...

As we sat on the log...you can see it in the middle of this pic, I saw the top of this rock only.  I am always on the hunt for heart rocks to give away.  I could only see the top 2 inches of it.  As we sat there, I wondered if it would be a heart rock or like so many others, not. 

As we got up to leave after the sun had fully set, I walked over and brushed off the sand...and WOW!!! It was the biggest and best.  I laughed right out loud...it was like...wow!!!  Never have I seen or found a rock like that...hahahahahahahahaha...and knew somehow you sent it to us...to kiss us and encourage us...press on to us...and sending the love and hug...and kiss....

I am touched so very deeply Sarah....God....thank you...

from a sore momma's heart.

thankful today....

2016~9 years almost

September 2016

the month of my loss is here again.  I find myself up early-not sleeping well.  I don't have these days often like I did 9 years ago.  I forgot how to sleep during the days after you died.

My mind is handicapped again and I am looking and searching for the things to help me navigate these days again.  

I have tried to prepare myself again to walk carefully through these days that bring too many memories that are to difficult to handle again.  

I just want to get on a plane and then a train and go--go to this place of pure beauty that you lost your dear young life.  To smell the air, feel the breeze, see the waves that mounted and destroyed you...to try to understand how...

I am so far away...so very far.  There is no place to go that helps me right now, I find myself getting so restless.  So much fragmented.  No words.  Many remember and come nearer and seem to sense this place and want to help.  I am so sorry...I don't know what to say and how to help you when I can't help myself.

I miss you dear, dear Sarah.  I can't even begin to tell you how much.  You were just my joy...heaven seems too far for me today to hope for.  I know it is to come...but seems so far...yet I will continue to hope.

I was laying in bed thinking this month I should wear a handicapped sign somehow--something that would warn others that I am more fragile, I can't trust my mind with things I say or do.  I don't even want to think too much and surely the things I do and think have this coloring of this loss that is too big again...swirling in my heart and mind.

I want to do better, yet again it crashes over me--and seems to want to destroy me.  I hang on...center my mind.  Avoid the thoughts and memories that can take me right out.  Seeing again...the horrors of it all.  I can't live here, so try again to push them away, yet they slip in...like a blown head gasket...dripping all over me and my eyesight..then down over my heart...and leave this oily stain that only lots of tears take away.  Tears that seem to have again built up and need release in the worst way...tears that heal yet hurt.

my sweet girl...this blog holds so many memories...so many pictures..so much.  I am thankful it is still here when the night hours betray me and I come in the dark again to find this page...a place to leave some of what is drowning me.

tragedy...i see it on faces and know it.  Rick and I went to see the movie Sully a few days ago--I cried through most of it.  they lived.  you did not.  my memories revisited bring no new ending...just sorrow.  I am careful.  I don't know how many pictures this year I can post of you.  I don't know what helps this time or what will lead me to that place I get lost.  I hate that place of lostness.  Unsafe.  

Centered...Focused...Jesus...heaven...hope....held.  Recalculate...recalculate...

loved.  You were deeply loved and cherished.  I wonder if my mind will bear me ever trying to write this story.  It is so tragically beautiful with so many treasures that i hold so close to my heart...so many wonderful parts...just wish you were actually still alive to share and laugh with.  

Sarah C...my dear girl...Just a touch through the veil this morning to you.  I am actually right in the spot we held over and over again for the last time as I write this--the night we said goodbye....I think you just are letting me know that somehow...I do remember how we held and held..and said goodbye.  over and over...like somehow we deeply knew.  sweet one, sweet girl.  beautiful woman...well loved.  how i love you.  how i miss you.  

I wake today with sorrow in my heart.  I will be meeting in a few hours with my oldest friend from my childhood whom I haven't seen in 45 years...she lived around the corner from me and we lost touch shortly after high school.  We were best friends in grade school and after that, stayed friends but not that close then.

I moved away and lost touch with many friends after my divorce and then returned back home 16 years later....and didn't reconnect with many.  Just life changed...but back here where I grew up.  I have reconnected in the last few years with some friend, but never could find Annie....tried over and over.

At my class reunion last year, I finally found a friend who knew where she was...but she told me this dear friend had lost a son in a shooting in California with drugs involved when he was fleeing the police--shot in a high speed chase 3 years ago...and she was not doing well.

We connected via email...the posts were short....things like...I know you lost a son from me.

I know you lost your daughter from her.....big gaps and meaning in those short sentences.

we haven't spoken yet...but we will meet today, both driving 45 minutes from home.

my heart is sore.  She is just celebrating the 3rd anniversary last week.  I am not many years past that, but seems this morning as tender as then.

What a life.  What a journey...

i posted a painted I have done--it is copied from a much more famous one requested by my daugher in law--from Chris...his new wife...and it is release of grief...it somehow touches my heart today as I go....

may we both release more grief, while we lean, hold hands...touch lives.

maybe tomorrow will start better

how in the world does it ever make sense.

i got up, the alarm went off...i started the day like the other days, only it wasn't another day...it is today and today followed days of remembering...and i had to work for the first time in 8 years on the days after instead of the time to rest...and recover...and my heart hurt and my body ached..and i just decided the morning needed more bed time, time in my Father's arms to rest.

so i did...and i still haven't quite stood back up...and flying is definitely out of the picture today.

this journey is slow and steady...and carefully navigating the moments and listening to a sore heart...of sorrow...and missing.

i am better---what the hell does that mean?  better.....

but i am more....

more able to walk....

i think....

my mind doesn't just default to crash and burn....

i know many walking along and know that they have probably slowed their steps to wait till i get my footing...as i wait for them when they loose theirs...

so today, gentle day...

soft air, soft thoughts.

put things away...back to a new place...let life slowly slip back in.  my full life i am trying hard to live well...with hope.

a hope that has nothing to do with this world...a hope of an eternal kingdom to come---with a fullness and LIFE that is not to be seen in my failing eyes, but i strain to peer through the thin veil...and see...because i have had touches from that land, my Father...

sometimes even think my girl.

so, another day...soft footsteps.  gentle...cared for...

loved...

known.

day after...pack it away...

 so, it is the day after....
for days and weeks, memories come and are shared...then the day before and the day of....the celebration of your life begins...

now, the day after...
to pack it away-in order to live. and it never fits the way it was before...nothing ever goes back in the way it came out.  i have changed, somethings are different in me, so not sure how to repack it in order to have it fit.
i don't think i ever will get this, and that is ok today.  unless you have lost great, you don't know about this yet.  the repacking.  the careful, picking up tenderest things and carefully folding them back into a shape...to put away.
in order to live.

the sun sets.  another year...

 so many things to tuck away to live.  to breathe, to keep on....

 tender memories...

and then...a soft touch of wine to a sore heart.  again.  grateful.  sad.  tired.  worn.
right now, i just hate this place.
i still don't get a vote.
i know i will do better...soon....
just today, it is quiet.
the day has passed.

that's all for now.

8 x 12 =96

96 full moons since you died.

and another super moon

beautiful, bright, wakes you up from sound sleep moon....creeps across your face and lets you know it is there.  shines on your soul and almost quietly warms you--not like the sun, just like the moon.  slowly slips away, room gets darker...and then it is gone.

sometimes I feel your presence Sarah.  slips in quietly, warms my heart, then slips away.

hard to have so many moons gone by.  hard to have momentos to remember you instead of you.

you-so full of light, laughter...made a room come alive the minute you walked in.  you never took no for an answer there--always full, always present.

sometimes i laugh right out loud when i remember times that bring tears to my eyes.

the thing i hate about today--you being gone--in such a quick and tragic way-is that i still ponder how did you process it happening, what were your thoughts...i had the privilege, as did others...to listen to you--read your thoughts...know you and this is one time we are all left not knowing...not knowing your heart at the last moments of your precious life.

not a good and safe place for me to stay, the edge of this place is sharp...it draws me in....more on this day...my muscles aren't as strong to pull away...i feel drawn to come nearer again...to step closer, to listen...and yet it is as quiet as ever....no words, none.

i am a mom still, sometimes i have written that that is really over...what an ass...i am a mom...it is in me.  i may be your "past tense mom" in a way that we don't actively do this in life now...but am always your mom...best job ever....

but i am finding out that i still am a mom....and love being a mom when i am a mom...now that can make you a bit crazy, but it is what it is....i love my new kids, who aren't so new anymore...but more and more mine.  i share them with this woman who is gone--in heaven, and somehow, she is sharing my sarah with me...can't wait till she and i talk about this journey....

i have learned alot in all this 96 full moons...

i think i am closer to writing my book about all this---and hope that people let me write the way i do--non-gramatical and from my heart.  i hope i remember all the things, but this blog has many of them...it is such a beautiful and tragic story...my oh my.

i also have begun a new journey, saw that my friends-some on this childless journey with me, are also starting new paths.  that gives me great hope.  i began to do the Ignatius Spritual Exercises this week.  I sense it is right on time for me.  my soul feels stirred in a place of wonder.

so, it is early today, just 6:30 a.m.  Rick and Harry are still sleeping.  The candles are lit...the sacred space to remember is on the porch with flowers from Rick and Scott and Laura and kids....

it is again, a very sacred day.

she never knew what was about to happen...she had no idea.  no fear...so precious, my girl.

help me to keep on...help Chris, who misses her so, yet strains like me to embrace and live fully...help all of us-so many who loved her so well.  

thank you God for these days we had her.

the days i had her.

i hate to miss her, it aches so.

simple table with simple things, ashes, a seagull, candles, the small statue of the little girl I got in switzerland so long ago...her scarves she loved and wore so well...red roses and calla lilies, her green empty flower pot boots--empty on purpose....a jar of shells and broken things...reminding me of her brokenness...and a willow tree woman remembering.....simple, yet so meaningful...

my finger tips still touch these separate keys, intentionally trying to draw from my heart, my thoughts and still fumble along...missing keys, missing the right letter...sometimes i find the key immediately, sometimes i have to delete, or pause...so it is life....just fumbling along...trying and retrying and do overs...and just then hit publish.

it is the best i can do today. 

Almost 8

Almost 8....

September 26, 2015

7 years and 264 days since you took your very last breath.

Tomorrow we walk across the 8th year threshold of years you have been gone. Supposed to be a super moon....that is just plain something to me....

I know now that we will never miss you less, never learn to walk without a limp...and somehow that is all ok.  I am just a mom who has learned to move along towards heaven in a way that may never make sense to me or anyone who is watching.  I have been blessed, by my Father in Heaven, to send a companion to journey with--my husband Rick...who finds himself grieving this year for a daughter he only met for 10 minutes and now knows so many stories, but not her.  God...I look forward to the day the 2 of them meet and get to hold on to one another for the first time--that is if it works out that way that I get to see that.

I have been thinking all morning about this is the last day she ever had of 24 full hours and that a day given to us is such a gift.  We take that so much for granted.  Wow...never thought of it before that way.  I know she and Chris had a great day today--their last full day together.  He fights to live well...please God continue to help him....to live.  To embrace the gifts in his journey now too.

So, Rick just brought Red Roses and Calla Lilys, which she loved, sunflowers for me, which I love...Scott and Laura and kids just sent a bouquet to us too--and a toast.  The flower guy came down Bob's hill, our neighbor, and I am pretty sure he fell coming down to deliver them--had a big bump on his forehead and a big scrape on his face.   So, he made it and we sent him back up the stairs...

So today, my sweet Sarah C.....

I miss you so.  I miss all the memories we didn't get to make...the kids you never had...not getting to watch you be a mom...but I did get to witness more than some and less than others....so each of us who grieve...I have learned, we never get it all...just what we get.

So, I am thankful...for all I got.  Thankful to know you, love you...watch you become who you got to become...see you touch others in your life.  see you love and encourage and kick people in their butts to live fuller.  I got to see you embrace your healing in your soul.  I am proud of you--more and more and surely look forward to seeing you again someday....

my heart aches.  Just does.  it is the way of the road of this loss.  It sucks most of the time...and is a fight to not slip into that and be in despair...but live in hope of heaven to come.

So, that is all my heart has to say right  now...just am glad/sad...missing you so.