journey is long, hard

sometimes it is just a hard road. i ache, not every day, but when the grief comes, it is deep. i ache today--and have for a few days. just the holidays probably. have thought of so many people these last days who have lost others---children, parents, spouses, friends. then i ache more. just want to go to heaven on those days...and moments and be done with grieving.

i get sick of the ache, it tries to befriend me and i never want to be its' friend. never. it is not something i have sought out--and when you begin to talk about it with someone who has not had a loss like this---i can see it in their eyes---the fear....

it is fearful to think of possibly losing your child. your spouse, your friend. each day we get up and never know if that day will bring death. we just never know. what a depressing thought--and sometimes, when i need to talk...there are less people who are there that can go that distance to hear your heart. God is kind and I have been fortunate to have places to do that deep work of the grief heart.

Grief is brutal, total, devastating...deep, destructive, angry waves that kill...crush...break noses and bones and crush skulls...that is my journey. it is one i need to write about or i lose my mind at times...visiting that truth of the horror that happened in the most beautiful of lands. HOW CAN THAT BE?????? i try to wrap my mind around it and try to tame the thoughts and when they come, i just hold on...and crawl into my Father's lap and stay till the sounds quiet again. I am grateful for the one's who are around to hold too---but often these come in the middle of the night, or just when you smell familiar places of memories, places that brought deep joy...and now rip your heart open...jabbing at the emptiness that is found. these thoughts used to bring such smiles and laughter--and times to talk about joys with you dear sarah.

how i miss you today--- 15 months ago you died. i can hardly believe it is that long. seems so long ago when you say 15 months, yet my heart aches like it was today. another Christmas with you gone, quiet where your voice should be. holes of air hanging empty where your laughter would fill the air. it is almost like i can see the empty bubbles floating around...with no person to attach them to any longer....

sometimes i even depress myself...then begin the long process of picking up the pieces of my heart again and shoving them into my chest to beat and live. what a workout.

i am grateful to have a strong faith that knows this is temporary...i am intense and live in deep waters...and try to limit the time there as i would need medication today...somedays that sounds tempting to take the sharp edge off the cutting edge of this...it is not good to live in this place too long...drains the joy i do have in my new marriage...can see in his eyes when he worries...and prays for me. see it in my sister's eyes...and that sorrow is there in her's too---that deep sorrow. then see Christopher's eyes...and those take me out...the hollowness that has learned to live there...

he fights to live too--and embrace his new land. we both see it in each other's eyes and that sometimes is too much.

God--help this new year bring more healing to the hearts that have lost...my heart, Christopher's heart, Sarah's dear family and friends. help us to have a song in our heart again--and joy of knowing our homeland is still within sight...and it is not here....it is with you...where death is no more and tears are no more....and light is going to shut out darkness...and we will be with YOU.

help the coming year bring more freedom to live and love...and less fear. I WILL NOT LIVE AN UNLIVED LIFE. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL NOT DESPAIR. I WILL EMBRACE THIS JOURNEY AND LOVE WELL.

as the year draws to a close...

it has been a sweet time these last days. i have been remembering years gone by, of our times of preparing Christmas and presents and candy and cookies. you loved getting ready. i can remember having the craft table up in the living room for weeks as we painted and assembled the gifts we would make. we would head early to Amish country to our favorite stores for ideas to make and then buy more than we ever needed or could make--to then spend the time putting the things together. if i heard you say it once, you said it a thousand times, "mom--buy it---I am sick of you looking all these things over and then saying you can make it cheaper!!" I would laugh, and even do it on purpose just to get you going on saying it again...ahahhahahaha
such fun i always had with you dear, dear Sarah C.
now it is a new season....in a new land i have never walked before. i deliberately look ahead...not often behind...to see the new scenery, new people, new places i am going to. it takes alot of energy---and it is not a time when i have alot of energy. God---you are stretching me and my heart in ways i am unfamiliar with. i have not walked this journey ever before. i need you so much--in each moment. i feel your strong hand in mine. my tears often are held in my heart, till they spill at unusual times. the further you walk in the new land of sorrow---but life abundant, you find yourself caught by so much you can hardly assimilate it all to make any sense of it. it is like a huge puzzle with so many pieces...and takes time and intentionality to put the pieces in the right place. i feel like i am trying to find the edges first so will know the boundaries of this new place...
are there any?
i really wonder...
seems like the wonder of heaven is in this place...
seems like sometimes i can feel the air of that new place with a brush of my hand...
feels like i feel YOUR presence Father closer than ever...
like i am walking in this new land, just have no eyes to see it yet...
maybe that is what will happen in the years to come...my eyesight will begin to adjust to what my spirit feels at times...and will see for real.

i have a hope welling up in me...an excitement of this journey...that will last for all times....
and to see the ones gone on before...
to live with more freeness than before...
to hold fast...
to not give up....
to love better....
to live more fully...
to embrace this day, this life, this man, all of it...

a new year ahead....help me to dream more again...
to have the energy to live more, to not be so discombobulated in my mind...now that is a word to see in print.

to have confidence in YOU Lord.
to reflect you in all i do and am.
to allow others to see that the worst thing cannot take your heart out of life.
that my heart still beats and has hope...even though...
help me.
help us.
heal me.
heal us.
breathe life again Lord...over the areas of sadness...of the loss

you are near...

time to write...time to ponder....

Is Dec. 1 of 2008....only 30 more days left of another year. I just can hardly believe how fast time goes at times. It is time to write and put together the words that will make up Year 5-Life at Sea, Stay the Course.

Staying---means to keep to the path...the one carved out for you by the hand of God. His road, his direction. To stay means not laying down...not quitting..not giving up. It is more than we can do on our own strength. It means leaning and recieving from the ones around you on the path. For me...today I am grateful...for all the ones on this path..the new ones I have met along this journey---this year and last especially have impacted me in such profound and deep ways. The ones I would never have met had I not lost my dear Sarah. If she stayed, I would not have walked this way...but this is the path carved out and is mine.

Today brings a joy to this journey that I would not have expected. A deep sense of wonder and majesty---to touch the souls of others who have also lost and have a new language that is filled with words not ever spoken before. Eyes full of a sadness and depth that can quickly fill with tears and you can get lost in their depths. Yet--full of hope and love for life in new ways never explored before.

Holding on lightly yet fully to all that is left...and tasting slowly the new and enjoying the flavors of new friends and loves. Almost exploding with a deep sense of gratitude for the gift of a new moment...seeing the moments with a new sense of wonder and grace. Seeing the things you have done before with new eyes and sensing colors new.

This probably doesn't make too much sense...I find myself writing as the words fall from my fingers. I am deeply in grief still...missing Sarah more and more, yet releasing her more and more...just amazes me. If I don't release her and let go...it starts to pull me under...and there is no air nor life there...it is a frightening place...a place of deep agony and takes all my energy to not diminish....

but life...it beckons me to come and breath and see and taste and feel and wrap my arms around what remains--and to savor...and slip and dance, and laugh and spin and drink fully .....

I see another year ahead---full of what I wonder? I want to live as though...intentional, on purpose, fully....glorious...joyful...remembering...looking forward to the Lights of the City---and knowing someday...and never know when that someday will come...I will go home...and there will be for all time...with no more sorrow, no more death, no more pain, no more tears...no more...just fully home....EMBRACED.

This is what it means to be held

just added this new song in the profile. my sister has sent it to me a few times...it is the place to be. Held.

Held by the Father. no other place to be.

Sarah gone and would have been 30 yesterday, a tender day. so many around with so much love. grateful...glad.

sad...missing her.

held....held....held.

grateful.

significant week in my life

just a year ago tomorrow---11/18 i got ordained. here is the picture of the loving and wonderful community who came from many miles and near to support what they saw God doing in my life. it was a day of seeing for me-what i had felt God doing for many years. i still am awed at this.

i am awed that God does things in seasons when we are feeling the least of having anything to offer. it is almost like He does it that way to give only the glory to Himself. that is cool---because we sure love to take credit for anything...at least i have...

this week is also sarah's birthday. what a wonderful gift that God gave to me for 28 years. she would have been 30 this year. now is celebrating--if they do that---her 2nd birthday in her home in heaven...wonder how and if it has any significance....your earth birthday? probably not... but i do celebrate her life, her impact...the memories.

it is also the first day that rick called me...almost a gift from her, from God to me...on her birthday...and what a gift he is to me. i can't even believe myself how dear he is to me....just feel like the e-marmony commercial---my soulmate, my lover, my friend...my companion...and it is truly a God gift. from almost the first conversation---we both knew....amazing, isn't it.

sometimes we have significant days in our lives....significant weeks...almost like milemarkers for us. this is one of those weeks for me. it will be Sheryl's birthday (Rick's former wife) tomorrow too---she has been gone for 3 birthdays now. She is fully living in the kingdom too. We both have our significant ones' in heaven---they are probably having the time of their life too! Both she and Sarah...somehow...can see them both laughing and delighted. Heaven blows me away...is more than I could EVER imagine...makes me smile. makes me long for the Homeland...and seeing our dear Jesus....and Father....

in the meantime....to keep on, pressing on, staying the course...being faithful, loving others, forgiving...becoming more like Him.

sitting in the rain....

can still remember standing inside watching you sitting on Bob and Thom's wobbly dock taking pictures through the slots of the water...quietly staying there for quite awhile--in the rain.
this was just not too long before you left us...and i was seeing such a beauty in your spirit---a true peace with life. even in the midst of much craziness that you were in with going to part-time at work, school going on---loving that man of yours....you still took time to be still....to see the world and the beauty in it. you were soaking wet when you came in....

i even remember that you walked right through their screen door on your way out one of the times---and you and Barb had to put it back together again....we laughed so hard...what a girl....
sometimes i wonder what your entrance into heaven was like....wonder many things....

you had a way of seeing things all around you, capturing beauty, bringing beauty into relationships with all who you knew. i loved that about you...and find it a sore empty spot now.

you did teach us all about living while you lived it out in front of us. thanks Sarah....
i loved to watch you live....and did so every day of your life....can still remember the first time i saw you and they handed you to me...you laid on my chest for the next 4 days between feedings...wouldn't let them take you away---was so glad you were finally here. such a joy, having you as my baby....a miracle i never thought i would have....
so glad to have had you---God was so kind to me....gave me you. let me be your mom...loved being your mom. still am your mom. that is something to hang on to when it feels like it has been so long since i heard you say my name....
and boy did you say it always with passion--especially when you were needing something----loudly!!! MOM!!!!!!!
when you were little you decided to call me "ma" for a season--and i didn't like that...sounds twangy and awful....but that didn't stop you----so had to bear that season out till you went back to "mom". then of course...there were always the times that only "MOTHER" worked for you...and that also had your passion and tone mixed in it...and indignation...and frustration....especially when i wasn't totally available when you needed me to be....which was everytime you needed me!!! :o)
all in all....hearing you say mom was the best thing i ever heard from you....
i still have 5 voice mails...and listen probably too often...just to hear you say "hi mom"....and "i love you mom".

miss those things....miss you.....

last birthday we celebrated together

here we were-the "yowell girls" celebrating my birthday before you went to heaven. Now the 3 of us will celebrate what would have been your 30th birthday....but is now onto your 2nd year in heaven. oh my...how the season has changed.

miss you like crazy-every day to find full and wonderful reasons to live with you gone. it is a fight on days like these of late. aching in my heart. longings... talked to christopher and he is the same way...and so are the others who loved you so. we just miss you, miss your presence.

who gets grief anyhow? Rick and i talk about the gift of grief...and i am trying so to understand how this is a gift...but somehow it is...and will continue to be a gift in the remaining years of life---or days, or whatever i have. sometimes i want to just quietly still come to heaven...but know it is just my grief...just the tiredness of walking out this new landscape that i have no map for...and the food is tasteless...

held

held close....so glad I did.

always we held close.

always we lingered together to talk and to hold on. we lost so many things in our years--and we learned totreasure one another...had the hard talks, deep talks, treasured shared words.

I now hold your memories like this picture is held. held close to my heart.

i do love my life now-love my new journey. God has been so kind to me--to bring such fullness in this place of loss of you. I wish we could laugh and talk about the joy of this season I find myself in. You would be glad--I know it!

Reading Lament for a Son again. Read it about 10 years ago--this man lost his 25 year old son and I remember reading his deep sorrow and now as I read it again...find myself seeing words and phrases that touch me in the deep place where other words are lifeless.

the loss of your child is so hard to describe in any words that make sense. let alone your only child...and best of friend. yet--in this place---i find joy. joy of having known you, my dear Sarah. don't want to live afraid, to guard my heart, to not love as deeply if not even more deeply---because now, i do know what it costs to love and lose someone you love and loves you too. i would rather love and lose than never love at all---or to love small---or carefully or guarded....

God--help me to keep on this path that often is so misty and treacherous...and costly and lonely and hard and agony. today as i look at the bluest of skies with the yellowist leaves framed against it over the soft and waveless lake---i am full of a beauty in my soul...one that knows what it is like to see it dark and full of angry clouds and stormy winds that chill you to the inside of your bones. let me drink in this day--this gorgeous day---keep the storm clouds at bay today. i am going away for 2 days with my dear husband--to savor time set apart for us...to pray and seek you Father for your direction for our life in you.

grief is fickle--and greedy--and wants to eat and erode the moments of joy--to steal the colors out of the day. it stays close--waiting to be found in a song or a tune that catches you off guard--to sneak in and tumble your heart...tackle you from behind...trip your footing, crash you to the floor. I will keep my eyes on you Father---locked on your eyes...fixing my eyes on you...

lonely looking sky, lonely looking sky....

neil diamond's songs sing to me in the night hours....haunting my heart. it is a long night when sleep doesn't come. the quietness of flying in the air to lift one's heart above the sorrow seems to be a way to do it...to find the air current of hope and ride it as long as you can.

last night was a long night. thinking of the years gone by, of your birthday's and celebrations. we would be deep into it by now--what cake you wanted, what gifts, what friends to come and celebrate.

you always loved celebrations. you loved to make my birthday so special too...just can see your smile, hear your joy in your voice. see your determination to make it be the best one yet.

we will celebrate your 30th too dear Sarah. we will probably go to debonne' again and toast to the many "sarah-stories" and cry and laugh. somehow i often think you are watching to see if we remember how to make it that special...

i wonder too about the celebration of entering heaven--will you be on the planning committee. somehow, if there is such a thing...or maybe you will even convince God to let you start a new tradition there...to have such an event. i can only imagine the homecoming...ha! brings a smile to my face...seems like my face notices because i don't smile as often anymore.

i want to live life in that deep trust that you are so full of heaven and all it offers. i want to know this in my deep soul...and live with hope that shines from me to others. just one more time to run my fingers through your hair and sing a song, to kiss that "special place" between your eyes---that place i have kissed all the days of your life since the first time you were placed in my arms. that will be where i kiss you again when we meet. another smile...

thanks sarah...so being the dearest thing to me...for making this mom's heart so full, even now...with you gone. i have been so blessed to have you. my dearest friend. little did i know how short it would be...

God, please help to carry this deep sorrow...please help me. please help all of us...

where have all the flowers gone.

feels like my soul is like this tree today. where did the leaves go that brought protection from the winds of sorrow and cold. i ache lately. the longer it goes, there are then days that seem like it will be endless---the ache.

i try to stay in the present moment and on times like this, it is like it takes all my energy to do that. more words that are full of my feelings go into the paper of my journal than here...sometimes afraid to write the truth of my journey here. then may hear words about--"why isn't she doing better?" and things like that. then i remember this blog is mine and needs to have freedom to write what i need to write here, and no one ever needs to read it nor comment.

the air seems heavy and difficult to breathe in when i get to this place. seems thick. seems murky and hard to use. my chest seems to have trouble to handle it, hard to make it rise and fall with the breath i take. ache. here it is november...and you would have been 30. we talked so about this birthday and the bash it was going to be.

i found a sheet yesterday with the plans on it that we talked about for your baby shower i would have for you---all the things you wanted to have at it....ugh...read it about 10 times...then closed the small book it was written in---and put it away. didn't throw it away---thought about it...why ever read it again...didn't seem ready to do it yet.

want to be better...not hurt so much...but how can it be that way when it is so final.

the trees teach me about seasons and that a new season is ahead...and new leaves will come and bring life to this aching soul of mine...and i think they will be more beautiful than ever before...and will have a color of green never seen. the shape will even have softer edges...not so sharp. i hope i do better next season...don't think i can ever lose so great a treasure ever again while i breathe this life. hope not...but you just never know, do you?

moving forward

Today is sometime since I have written...not that there are not many words in my heart to put here...it is just hard to do somedays. It is like the handle on the pump to get them flowing is stuck--needs greased.
I am trying to move forward. Today is a good day, but to tell the truth...it was just a week ago I thought about being committed...so just will not put all my eggs in one basket yet....

loss....grief....emptiness....aloneness, loss of dreams, loss of the future you thought was coming. New players, new people, new names, new journeys...it is amazing and also is so beyond your ability to process when tired.

I have learned to be very careful not to do too much on one day. To conserve, to take care. I am not able to be all I was...maybe I wasn't to be anymore anyway. It is hard to say as where I was and who I was is never to be again either. It is new-a new land. Someone prayed over me about 6 months ago and said the painting of my life up to that moment was done. The canvas was lifted off the frame and was now sitting on the floor---completed. Not one more brush of the paint to alter it would ever happen again. But Jesus had lifted a brand new canvas and set it on the easel...and he held in his hands a palatte full of paints--waiting to start this new painting--he was excited and intent...and I would see it beginning.

i have seen the strokes of His brush and felt the colors coming on me. i have felt the closeness of His gaze on me-intent on what and where He would be creating. He is not randomly brushing here and there--but it is deliberate. I feel His presence...I feel His touch. Sometimes I see His tears as He knows the colors are hard at times for me to embrace...the colors of sorrow...but I see the colors on the pallate and they tell me Joy will be coming and becoming part of what He is making of me in this new land. I trust you Father...you are good to me, kind to me. I am learning much in this new land. Help me stay the course, catch the wind, set my rudder to hold fast. I do not want to miss this journey...

hard week

This was sent to me by Michell today--and she was a dear, dear friend of Sarah's. Just one of the many who miss her daily. We have met-many of us--and connected this last weekend to remember Sarah and her impact on our lives.

It was a very hard week for me after this weekend of remembering her. Just get to this place of such despair and deep sorrow. I got many emails from people who read the article and also so many hugs...and am so blessed...but in the midst...there is this place that became so raw again--aching--aching...so hard.

I am better today-thought I should write all week...but didn't...but the place I was and can still see just off to the side of me---is so wordless...no way to describe it...just can't believe it, can't wrap my little frail hands around it. I want to scream out loud---THIS CAN NOT BE TRUE.

ugh...that becomes one of my favorite words....ugh...a groan that is so deep....a language of only deep grief...

In that place, only God can come---and help. I laid in His strong hand often this week...with tears coming from all parts of me---it felt like my body cried....not just my eyes...like every part of me missed her. This writing is good--enjoy!

October 3, 2008Fresh and UnfixedThere Is Only Now
It can be easy for us to walk through the world and our lives without really being present. While dwelling on the past and living for the future are common pastimes, it is physically impossible to live anywhere but the present moment. We cannot step out our front door and take a left turn to May of last year, any more than we can take a right turn to December 2010. Nevertheless, we can easily miss the future we are waiting for as it becomes the now we are too busy to pay attention to. We then spend the rest of our time playing “catch up” to the moment that we just let pass by. During moments like these, it is important to remember that there is only Now. In order to feel more at home in the present moment, it is important to try to stay aware, open, and receptive. Being in the present moment requires our full attention so that we are fully awake to experience it. When we are fully present, our minds do not wander. We are focused on what is going on right now, rather than thinking about what just happened or worrying about what is going to happen next. Being present lets us experience each moment in our lives in a way that cannot be fully lived through memory or fantasy. When we begin to corral our attention into the present moment, it can be almost overwhelming to be here. There is a state of stillness that has to happen that can take some getting used to, and the mind chatter that so often gets us into our heads and out of the present moment doesn’t have as much to do. We may feel a lack of control because we aren’t busy planning our next move, assessing our current situation, or anticipating the future. Instead, being present requires that we be flexible, creative, attentive, and spontaneous. Each present moment is completely new, and nothing like it has happened or will ever happen again. As you move through your day, remember to stay present in each moment. In doing so, you will live your life without having to wait for the future or yearn for the past. Life happens to us when we happen to life in the Now.

Year 2 begins....

year 2 begins...and grief in some ways feels like a weight that has become a part of me like it is knit into my skin. i have had many emails and comments to posts since the article came out...and so many people have lost dearly. life is hard...plain hard...
i feel tired...like running a race of grief all year and have finished the first lap. ugh...and just to find out that there is another lap to begin...God help us all with the race of life..and losing...we so need you and each other. boy, do we need each other.

this is a picture Paula sent from Italy, where Sarah died--the day of her anniversary. She went and sat and visited this place for all of us who could not be there that day. How kind...how good. we all need one another.....
thank you to all of you---and to my dear husband too...

a full year now--another begins.

couldn't have put together a better tribute and day to remember you---so many who loved you and came to touch the place you so loved and to be part of releasing your ashes to the water's you loved so well and the beach you spent so much time on. just is a tribute to you today and to the grand goodness of God to bring a beauty out of the tragedy.

the article was in the Plain dealer also on Saturday--you can go to cleveland.com/religion to see it. so much to thank God for--so much to ponder...so much to just sit in and wonder still what the heck just happened...

God--please help us all to continue to walk out this precious, most precious of life---moment by moment...embracing one another, sipping the full glass of the moments you give to each of us...to look up, not down...to hope and not despair...please help us.

miss my girl...miss her so...such a girl.

closer

getting closer to the year date of your death. spent the afternoon on the beach and writing in my journal and reading all the entries from last year at this time. I didn't talk with you on the phone ever again after the 19th...ugh...
you called me so many times that day as we drove to the airport--even when we landed in NY-talked and talked...didn't know it was the last...
still have your messages on my phone---love to hear your lighthearted laugh and encouraging words..and hearing you call me mom. didn't know how much that word would be missed. never to be called mom again by you in life. don't know what heaven will mean for how we will relate...is such a mystery to me about the spiritual life we will live...it will be grander than I can imagine...but for this minute...i am sad to not be hearing you say it again...or even MOTHER!!! You loved to say that when you wanted my attention NOW. When you were serious...or just frustrated with me not paying attention to you at that minute! LOL
Sarah, you were the best. I miss you more than words can say---can't figure out how to arrange enough words out of letters to say it all. Loved it, loved our time...all of it. reread the journal of last year. wow---was pretty broken, pretty sad, pretty defeated...overwhelmed in grief...
am better now---try to stay away from the black hole of grief, doesn't mean I miss you less...and all...just is better...life is better...but miss you the same...that probably won't ever change...miss hearing you, being with you--dreaming with you, playing with you, laughing with you...all of it...will always be a big empty place...no one can fill it. life does move on....have to keep moving...keep believing...keep hoping in some great place called heaven where no more tears, no more death...no more of this yuck of life and death...we were never made to understand nor cope with death...I just can't do it...can't ever figure out how to...
unless you lose the dearest thing---you don't know what I am talking about---you just don't, so don't try to get it...it just is impossible to imagine...
Treasure it all---love life...live it, savor it....don't wait to have it come to you---go for it...hug it tight, but it still is never yours...we just get to be part of it, never owning it or possessing it. just is the facts of it all. it still is good---just isn't yours.

in place for the one year....

here it is...the final plaque in place. to remember our dear sarah. sometimes i try to understand why it is so far away, so hard to go to...but it also is as right as can be---for she would love to be really---cuz it is so beautiful and romantic and just the most dazzling place. i live there too somedays--my spirit feels the wind and sun and hears the surf. i feel her...i sense her...and can almost hear her voice laughing like the gulls...
heaven is coming and it looks better than i ever imagined it to be...and i long for home. but the course of life is still the chart held in my hands. i know that i have been compelled to continue to speak truth and hope and light and life into people. i only can do that because of you, my dear Father. You have filled me with this compelling force to not settle to live small, nor afraid, nor under the heavy weight of sorrow and grief. I will not wear these grave clothes for all days. I will not walk as though there is no future kingdom and no future glory. i will run this race-with perserverance and smile at the wind. I will continue to look forward with expectant eyes to see You, my Father---and run into your arms and be finally home...and then to also see the ones gone on before...and to laugh and eat and celebrate for the remainder of all eternity...wow....

on this dear week of her death--Sarah's so unexpected and untimely death that sucked all our breaths away and caused us all to droop and fall and crumble....help us all Father. We don't want to live here...we want to embrace one another and celebrate the 28 years we had with that wild child you gave me....the one filled with such passion and daring to live each moment with gusto. I love that she did that. I want to keep doing it too---to laugh from the bottom of my belly---to drink the whole glass of life. I want to savor and swallow the beauty in the midst of this great sorrow. It is the greatest sorrow I have wandered through...it is the hardest and most difficult road I have ever walked. I want to lay down on some days and just cry till my eyes run dry...but they never do---there are so many tears inside of me...and then I remember you catch them all, you save them all...you created them. you made them to bring relief in the sorrow...and sometimes even sleep---rest when done. You are so amazing God--so Big, so Kind, So Loving. I am blessed.

almost a year....

We

Those without wings

Bounded to the sky

With blue thin thread

Wepoor toys

we love each other

So what the seagull have wings?

and have memories

When the same..Sad

somewhere

on a foreign shore

and forgotten

We poor toys...

we die..

People ask me where I find these photos--and the words above are the translation....

I feel blessed to find them..they help me to find the heart of my sorrow on some days. I am full right now--of anticipation of next week...the one year anniversary of dear Sarah's death.

Everyone is asking...."How are you?" I don't know what to say, but answer...Fine...but deep in my heart...just have sadness. I want to begin to live better...it has been a very long year. I can hardly believe that it has been now a full year since I heard your voice talking to me for real on the phone...as we didn't take our phones on our trips....thinking it would be a bother to try to keep them charged in a foreign land.......

soooo, I still have your voice messages stored on my phone and listen to you sing happy birthday for 2 different years and other sweet messages I saved...and that helps.

Moving on in grief is a wild journey-and so original for each of the ones traveling their assigned road. I have been so blessed with many walking with me-and a sweet and tender husband now too. Yet...it is so solitary...the ache in your heart that stays just like the beat of your heart....just a part of the life of grief. tears that have carved a path in your face from the familiar road they travel. the sadness that you fight to keep from weighing you down every day...keeping you on some days from being able to take full breaths...and causing you to stoop and not see as well.

I am working hard to lift my head up these days....to see...to see the life all around me.

But just do miss you my girl. So many do...you touched many...loved many...

how can you really be so gone? Just so gone.

summer is ending and fall is coming

fall is coming and with that...the first anniversary of Sarah's death on 9-27-07.

It is like a sunset---seems like it takes the sun forever to get to the horizon and then in the last 1/2 hour---it goes so fast that you want to slow it down to watch the splendor of it. Then once down...the glorious afterglow of the sun just melts you away.

losing someone is like that---you see it ending and want to slow it down...move the sun back up into the sky...but you can't. and then the sun slips away. at this point you could walk away and miss the glorious afterglow of the sun...many people do--they leave the beach before seeing the show of the colors as the sun has gone away...

i am in the season of seeing the afterglow of Sarah and her impact on life itself as well as those she touched. many are still having a very hard time with her gone...even having trouble with how to move on---and how can anyone close to her move on....but life is like that...

i don't always get it...and if i am not careful...i can not understand how others do it in their own situation. i have learned a big lesson in this experience...life isn't what you think for others. how much do i really know about what it is like to walk in their shoes...their pain, their daily life. NOTHING. help me to be so careful to not judge, not criticize, not condemn, not try to figure out how someone should do it for them....

grief has colored life in a new way for me. seems like i see in a broader way than ever before. i have patience and grace for others....

i also understand how terribly over life is when someone dies abruptly and that they are no longer there---not for just that day...but for all the rest of the days on this earth...forever. it is a big word...forever. i have learned to look to heaven for a great hope like never before either....and am thankful for that. it is more than i could imagine..and keeps me wanting to live more fully because it is there--heaven is to follow this life and how full do I want to live here till i go there? i want it all fully here--to embrace what is before me, i want all the ones who also loved Sarah to have life in fullness here too--to live well. She and I believed that with all our hearts...and she wanted that for all of us...we talked about death alot....even planned our funerals on my birthday last summer with her and Marty and Kim when at Brios for dinner. what a girl. she probably has more to do with all that is happening to bring full life to me and others...don't get it, don't understand it...but feel deep in my heart that it is true.

help others God to heal. Help them to see the good in life and moving on...to trust. to see more clearly what is the goodness of living in great loss. i guess if you haven't lost greatly and abruptly---you can't know. it just changes everything...and you either live...or you don't.

life is hard enough...then there are those who make it harder....

In the midst of life--there is enough of the hard stuff and then along comes people who can make it even harder by just causing things to unravel because of their own distortions of seeing things.

I am mad...mad that instead of believing in the goodness--people chose to see things through limited filters and then speak of these as though they are true and then make it look as though something that is---isn't and that it is something else that would be evil or wrong.

God-help me to trust you--not in man or womankind. I am so disappointed today--life is hard enough---the rules that seem to help us walk in a certain way---sometimes become a noose that hangs us all.

It has been a very hard year---more hard than even words can describe and then someone can say something to cause more harm---and cause things that are trying to ravel into order again to unravel.

I am so disappointed sometimes in people. Ugh. Help me not to be bitter, help me not to doubt what I know as true. Help people be more careful...to not speak without knowing....gossip...so ugly, causes so much harm...wounds deeply---

1. A gorilla at a zoo in the German city of Muenster is refusing to let go of her dead baby's body several days after it died of unknown causes.
   
   The gorilla at a German zoo has been carrying around her dead baby since he died last week.
   
   Allwetter Zoo spokeswoman Ilona Zuehlke says the 3-month-old male baby died on Saturday but its 11-year-old mother continues to carry its body around. Zuehlke says such behavior is not uncommon to gorillas.
   Zuehlke says the mother "is mourning and must say goodbye." The mother gorilla is named Gana.
   Signs were posted near Gana's enclosure Wednesday to explain the situation to visitors. A staff member is also present to answer questions.
   The baby was named Claudio and was Gana's second baby. She had a female baby in 2007 that now lives at the Stuttgart Zoo.

Tiffany sent this to me last night---amazing---even mother gorilla's have a deep sense of loss and how to release and let go....such sorrow. Such loss....

emptiness

There is a place that is just empty. Like something has been cut out, taken away...

right out of my life, my heart.

The one year anniversary of Sarah's death is coming in just over one month and it feels like years at times...and like it was just yesterday at other times.

So much has happened in this year---I can't even catch my breath. I feel fuzzy most of the time...need alot of rest, need alot of time to be still, to be quiet. Need to make sure to let this emptiness start to be filled back up again. I wonder if that will ever happen. I wonder if it will be something I will ever know.

Sometimes it is very hard to be so far away from Italy and not being able to go to the place she died and just be there. It was good to be there, but I want to go more often than I can because I live here.

oh well..enough. Sarah...my dear girl...just missing you today. Nothing new about that...just trying to learn to live this life without your daily presence. It is hard.

Released and Receiving...2 big words

I am in the midst of a big thing, and I know this for sure. I believe that God is teaching me something that will be forever altering me inside. I am undone most of the time, but beginning to see His hand bringing the image out of me---like Michaelangelo brought life out of a dead piece of marble so many times. We saw marble that he had started while in Rome--and it was incredible--also saw some in Florence--and to see the images beginning to take shape out of a square piece of marble is something to behold.
That is what I feel like so often now. God is doing something very new, very big in me. I have not been here before. I have to release things---from my heart and mind and soul---to clear the way to receive the new. To on purpose and with surrender---let go. Many things have changed in these last 11 months. I woke to a whole new scenery, new landscape---the players changed dramatically...and not at all in a bad way, just in a way that feels like I was abducted and moved to a whole new identity...or like one of those television shows about the guy who is given a new identity to protect himself...but I didn't get a new identity really---just many things changed....job, family members left and new ones showed up...roles changed---on and on...
so, here I am...given this incredible choice----to release the hopes and dreams and all to a loving and caring God--the ones which will break my heart if I don't. I was watching Master and Commander 2 days ago---and at one point, part of the mast breaks off when they are in furious seas---and a man fell in too with this and it was all still attached--and it began to pull the whole ship down into the sea---to kill all on board. The captain played by Russell Crowe had to decide to cut the mast loose--or lose the ship...and he did...he let the man and the broken mast go---
Odd....but we all have choices like this sometimes---and I feel like it is time to release...on purpose, with freedom---and then receive...with joy and love and gratefulness---the gifts the Father is giving to me. Now, don't get me wrong---this is not at all easy--and I know I will be doing this with a soberness and an alertness in the days to come as I have a very fickle mind that so easily falls into the rut of remembering...and staying there---sometimes too long...and then I have been sucked into the vat of sorrow, sticky and hard to get released from...so that is what I am learning. Learning is not easy, nor have I done too well on some days.
Do I miss you...yes....so much...so much. Dear Sarah...You are one of a kind...my dear one... my dear daughter...my loving and best friend. I so know in my heart that you are soaring like never before and never could have in this life...that heaven holds fullness and wonder and full joy for you. I am needed here right now---God has called me to love and be part of a wonderful family---and I love them. I will see you again. They will meet you too and I will be glad to have that to happen...as you would have loved to be part of them too. I know that.

This last picture is of us on the Walk of Amore-toasting to life...to fullness and richness. I was taught by many there of the fierceness of life, the hardness...and also the need to press on. I have learned many things before...and never knew it was so hard to then do it. Learning is one thing...doing is another. I am trusting in my Father to help. I am blessed with a wonderful man who is walking alongside too and good friends and family. I am rich. Thank you God.

Home now...or is italy home

Images of the ceremony while we were in Manarola, Cinque Terra. You are welcome to visit myspace page to see the rest of them. http://www.myspace.com/truenorth78

still no words, so much swirling in my heart. it will take a long time to process the absolute beauty of our time there and the wonders of the gentleness and kindness of the people who were there, embracing us, loving us.

I will write more in the days to come, but words and letters do not seem to be coming together right now---just my heart of hearts that so misses Sarah all over again. To finally see the place she lost her life was more than can simply be put on paper at this time. To touch the sea, feel the water, smell the air...it all was surreal.

Many questions were answered and healing did come in odd ways...but the realness of it all has hit home. To hear the opera singer whom the president invited to sing, "Time to say Goodbye" per Christopher's request...to get the painting I am holding in my hand from a famous artist the president commissioned to paint of Sarah's last moment...on and on...the stories are many, the generosity and humbleness of the people who loved and served us....touched our hearts so deeply...and feels like their hands and hearts are still right there with us.

The pictures above are: Chris spreading some of Sarah's ashes at the place she died. 2. Chris and I with the President Franco and his wife and 2 of the American consulate people 3. the 2 plaques done--which are now being framed to preserve them and will be hung above the spot she died at Point Bonfiglio, Manarola. The one on the right was painted by the artist who did the painting's girlfriend. 4. One of the posters which were all over the Cinque Terra of Sarah with the poems in Italian and english--and inviting all the people to the ceremony. 5. the place sarah died. it is the landing right below the walkway. The wave that hit her was at least 10 feet over her head. 6. Chris and I holding the painting while the soloist sang, "Time to say goodbye".

It is alot. Here is the link to part of the ceremony that was on their TV station running over and over during the whole week we were there.

Here is the Cinque Terre website and video news coverage of Sarah’s ceremony. Go to this link, http://www.parconazionale5terre.it/ then scroll down to "In ricordo di Sarah Scherer" and click on the video button.

That is all for now. Heart is so full. Miss her.

Sarah's eye....a star named for our girl...

It is just a day before we go to the place she lost her last pair of shoes---struggling to swim and live. she had no chance to live as the injury to her head was too severe. nevertheless, we go to celebrate and commemorate her life.

christopher had a star named for her---"Sarah's eye" a while ago---and she was so touched. some nights---it is a help to know her star shines still done on all of us....

I got this email from a student Sarah went to school with for her master's in art therapy and community counseling...it is dear and the poem she included blesses me so....thank you Father for the many, many , many kind things and blessings that continue to pour over all of us in the days since Sarah left us. I am rich with love adn care and blessings. Fuller than I ever have been---at such a high cost.



"You may not recognize my email, but I was a classmate of Sarah's at Ursuline
and have been deeply touched by Sarah's gifts!
Please know that I think of you often and pray that you find peace in the memories you have with and of Sarah. She was truly a great light in this world... thank you for that gift!

Recently, I came across this poem and hope it may be of some comfort to you:

There are stars up above,
so far away we only see their light long, long after
the star itself is gone.
And so it is with people that we loved,
their memories keep shining ever brightly
though their time with us is done.
But the stars that light up the darkest night,
these are the stars that guide us,
as we live our days these are the ways
we remember, we remember.
As we live our days these days we remember,
we remember.
~ Jewish poem "

we turn to face east, the flight, the stairs...the water and waves...and to see the last place you stood...please Lord, hold us...keep us...smile on us...let us grieve well but have the eternal part of hope to help each of us live. Sarah would want that. I know.

ashes....

ashes...my dear sarah's ashes...in my hand. grey, chips of bone...lifeless...all that is left of her earthly body.

our breath-christopher's and mine---taken away for the minutes after we opened the urn...and gazed for the first time.

sorrow that was deeper than any words ever to be found.

tears stinging.
never right to experience for anyone.
long journey ahead to the land that is so far away-to take some of these ashes to leave in the water that held our dear bella while her life slipped away to heaven.
good friends, good family to go with us for this next part of the journey.
didn't ask for this one.
didn't ever want to have to do this--none of us.
God. please help.

"There to wait a little while.....

while rick and i were in Virginia on one of the 3 separate times for "honeymoon"...we kept driving past a cemetery and I could see this angel in the cemetery--but couldn't see what was written. on our last day there-as we were driving to leave, we stopped in for a picture of her.

i began to cry as i saw the words..."there to wait a little while".

who knows what this new world for sarah really means...is she wonderously exploring her new world, resting and waiting....i do not know...but i do know she is with her Father and is in a fullness i could never understand in my simple mind. i believe she is fully all she could ever be--and somehow sees us at times and prays too for each of us who sorely misses her.

today is another missing day of her--for me, for christopher, for friends and family. today would have been #4 anniversary...so few years were given to this beautiful couple...so many dreams never realized....so many things lost. hard to reckon this one out---it is just plain the hardest thing to continue to live and wrap your arms around.

in 3 days the group of us---the sourjouners for this leg of the journey of life will again take a plane to italy with some of sarah's ashes with us---to go back to the land she left this life---dear cinque terra-and see the people who loved her, loved us...walked with us...cried with us...felt deep sorrow for this loss with us...9 1/2 months ago. i ache, i cry to think of seeing for the first time this place where she was the "happiest of her life" only in minutes to be swept away and crashed to the rocks to slowly see her life slip to this new land of eternity--forever from our lives and joys here. never to know her new family along with never having her own family to raise. just many sorrows and regrets---

i pray dear Father--the words many have prayed for us-as we return to this dear land...

here is a prayer i received tonight from my dear friend joyce---
"I pray that you will feel the awesome presence and peace of Sarah in that place and space that she left behind. May you feel her eternal spirit soar within you and come to rest peacefully within your heart and soul forever more. I pray this celebration of her life is pleasing to the Holy Spirit, to you, to Christopher, and to all those who will come to know of her life through the dedication of this memorial. I pray that Rick may feel the presence of the daughter of his new bride and in so doing come to love her as you do. I pray that Christopher may cherish the memory for his wife forever and yet because of her, I pray he may learn to love again. I pray for you, Chris, for the peace, grace, mercy and gratitude as you release the beautiful daughter you raised to be the reflection of Christ's love in a hurting world. I pray for the country of Italy and her people who give voice and witness to Sarah's life so that others may learn of her zest for living. And for
Sarah.....I pray that this too may be "the best day of my life" as she lives on in eternity."

such a dear prayer---Father, please cover us as we travel...and may peace come, may freedom to let go and be released from the deep sorrow and tragedy come for all of us---to believe and KNOW you and the peace of her with you. thank you Father for the ones going with me, with Christopher to make this journey--they have been assigned to us for this walk and we are so grateful for each of them...we will never be the same.

sarah gave me a pillow she made a few years ago with the inscription, "I will never be the same after seeing the moon on the other side of the world." it is true----and we will never be the same, but better...fuller, richer...and holding a dear thing in our soul--for continuing to walk out the terrible loss of our dear sarah, my dear sarah c...my pumpkin noodle...my joy. my dear daughter...how I love you...how I miss you...how I look forward to seeing you in the fullness of God. I too will rejoice as I continue to settle this in my soul more and more in the days to come. thank you God for the days we had her---help each of us live in the way of moments--embracing and holding and savoring like a fine glass of wine...this dear and short life we have.

peace tonight, rest now.

56 and a whole new season of God's favor and goodness

Joyful, that is what we were right then-2 joined to one for this life.

new day, a year older...a new season. A wife-a mom to 4 new children and a grandma to 10 grandchildren...and a daughter who lives in heaven now and a wonderful son in law...wonderful new parents and a new brother and sister in law I haven't met yet.

I sometimes feel like I don't live in Kansas anylonger...and I truly don't. So many things the same and so many things never to be again.

I find myself with open arms to embrace this new land, this new season...smiling, yet tears streaming down my face. A determination not to miss one thing the Father gives to me, to us.

I am grateful for 56 years of life and all the richness of the days-the wonderful things given to me by my heavenly Father. Such a kind giver of gifts.

I do miss you today Sarah. You always made my day so wonderful. I have the last 2 years of you singing to me still on my phone and later today, I will listen to you sing to me...miss you singing today---maybe you are singing from heaven~wonder how that works....know you are in my heart today--for all times.

watching life go on

9 months today. i find myself watching life happen all around me. i see other mom's with their daughters, eating fast food, shopping at the grocery store, fixing their hair--simple, everyday stuff---just moving along...not aware that these are the simple things you tenderly remember when there is no more.

i remember...somehow i knew i needed to grasp each memory of us-and you as we went along---i seemed to savor them, caress them, remember them---and can still close my eyes and remember them. i can feel your hair in my hands, i remember the first time i french braided your hair-it took me forever, and you were getting so impatient--but boy it looked so beautiful! i loved doing your hair, putting it in braids, in ponytails, in pigtails--ribbons, hats--whatever. and even as a grown up girl--you still loved hats--and you wore them everywhere. Chris and I were going through your hats the other day and we found some of the most outlandish hats---What a hoot you were!! The wilder and crazier--the better---especially if you thought Chris would hate it!! And you would laugh as we bought it!! i remember when you and marty and kimmy and gram and i went to put-in-bay and tried all those hats on in that hat shop!! we laughed and cried!

well, i can laugh...but then the tears do come...the deep sorrow in my little mother's heart. i so miss you my dear girl. i miss that we don't make more memories...that i have to look into my little heart and just hold tight to the ones we got to make...there will be no more. you are my dear girl. thanks Sarah...thanks for the memories..for all the fun times...for all the great times...the laughter..the tears...the quietness, the wild and crazy times...

love you.

it is here---the day I become a madame...a mrs.

wow, it is just 3 hours from now, i will join in the most mysterious way with this dear man...my husband. i know it is just a wonder in the kingdom....a mystery of God. the joining of man and woman-a reflection of the glorious kingdom of God. me---a bride...Rick, the groom.

could hardly sleep last night, such a great party after the rehearsal. so many people helping us...celebrating with us...just am awed and blessed...and so excited...soon....very soon....

thank you God.

I know you will be there.....

My dear bella Sarah....I can see you standing near me...as I marry...as I commmit my life to this man. I know you have been part of this whole journey for me. I am undone right now, just under 12 hours till I commit my life to Rick.

You have touched me so over the years Sarah. I have been blessed with your friendship and love. I am so thankful for so many people here tonight....Rick's family, Christopher and friends, my family...my friends, people from the church. I have had enough merlot right now to soften my heart...to soften the edges of my sorrow...but to also remember the tears of my missing you...you...my sweet, sweet Sarah C. My sweet girl...who would be here---full of life, full of joy. I just want you to know how many people have helped--and been there for us--for me...through all of this...just to help bring the greatest joy and celebration to our wedding day. I am so excited...so full of joy....can't wait to become Mrs. Provard...just am so excited. I have the best man to be my husband. He is the dearest and kindest man I know....God--be over our day--from beginning to end. Thank you for the help of everyone--from my dear Aunt Barb, my sister....my family...my friends, his family, his friends...all of them...we are rich! We are blessed...we are so happy...so thankful....yes Lord...Yes Lord...soooooo glad. I am heading to bed. It is almost 11 and only 11 hours to go....wow God. This is cool.

where are you going, my little one, little one

my little one, little one....a song sung to you all the years of your short life.

I sing it again today--along with the other songs I have sung to you.

i miss you Sarah...i miss you so much on this day, one week before my wedding. i wish you could do this with me. it is hard, sweet one--to move forward and make new memories without you in them. it seems so bittersweet...so right yet so wrong to move on...

all of us miss you so, can't wait to see you again. what do people do without the hope of heaven? I am also marrying Jesse today to dan...and you and chris would be there...again..missing you...these are your friends. so many places i would see you...and see your smile and happiness that i was doing what God has called me to do...yet, the tears come again---missing your voice and your comments and your thoughts on all of it.

again...i am grateful, for the days, minutes and years i did get to be your mom...so grateful. just the best. God please help us all, help me...help me to do this life without my girl...

life is changing

Life is changing right before my eyes. I am making room in a small space for a new person to walk this journey of life with. I am amazed to be doing this. I have been single so long-I forget how to share space, room...not that I don't want to-just it will have to be with intention. I can do it when I am connecting during the day--in normal life when others are around, but now---this will be the norm--He will be here, on a daily basis and nightly basis. Wow, that is a thought-more of a constant. So that means, when I am used to being quiet or alone, I may have to speak, to explain...to share...I think I will really enjoy doing this, so that is really good. I remember when I became single, had to learn to be more independent, more able to exist solo. I even began to embrace that word-solo. I liked it...had a feeling of being myself. I will work to not lose what I have gained in these past years of living well, being authentic, fully myself. That is the part I want to bring into this new oneness--a wholeness, a person who knows her inside and her value. I bring my hands full to share with Rick. I bring a sense of living that I have discovered in these past years. I loved doing it with Sarah. How well we lived, how well we savored the days and times. I know this too is what Rick brings as he has also lost greatly. We both live intentionally, courageously, and with a great sense of discovery. We have much to explore and discover. The journey together is now just over 10 days away. God be with us in these last days we are apart--and bring excitement and joy to our last minutes that we look forward to the miracle of this covenant commitment we make together and before you.

sorting, grieving, making it neat again

grief is alot like sorting clothes-straightening out your drawers--then coming back in and finding everything you thought you put away, pulled back out and hanging all over the place.

or discovering your inner room you thought was in order, all dumped out all over the place. so you begin again, picking up the first item and deciding where did that go the last time---and you can't remember...so you think...where do I want to store this, or do I really want to keep this hard memory, or has it outlived the purpose and you can actually throw it away--maybe.

then you pick up the next item--and find it is something you threw away and try to think, how in the world did it get back in here--or is it just close to what you thought you threw away. and how did everything get so messy again--and how did every drawer get overloaded again.

grief is like that--somedays, you think it is all in order...neat, orderly---each drawer makes sense. it is managable, tidy. and all of a sudden...you get slammed with one too many memories---like a rogue memory---and the explosion happens, the drawers and shelves all leap out and bend over and throw all the contents all over one another. you are lost again--hoping the life jacket of eternal hope holds while you flounder for a bit....tears blur your vision totally---and no thought is anything but wreckless and wild. no sentences make any sense. all rocks around you are too slippery to hold on, and you drift in the midst of it all....deep inside, you know it will pass...you will again have to begin the simple, yet painful process of picking up the pieces and smoothing them out one by one---folding them, gently lifting them...and placing them again in a drawer--the ones that are to stay. you begin to intentionally hold them up to your inner frame-to see if you have yet outgrown the need to keep each one--trying to find the correct amount of items and memories to take with you--to journey more light these days. the time to pick up and smooth out takes so much time and energy--so you begin to see your choice in this action--each time the contents are spilled.

wish we lived in a land that didn't have so many earthquakes, rogue waves. but we do, for now---and God help us when they hit...come and help me fold the fragile and precious pieces of my heart--and place them tenderly in place for today.