such a long, long way home...

i have completed the room...at least the things i took...there are a few things left for christopher to work with---all her art---needs to be photographed so others can make prints if they would like.

i ponder so much, so many thoughts run through my small mind...and i keep walking into the unknown...toward you Father.

it is quiet in my head. quiet and sore in my heart. i hurt. i ache. i miss.

i don't say much anymore...the words bring no different ending. no new release, no new out. no new freedom from missing.

i don't hide, i don't avoid. it just isn't the center of talking much anymore...

not that i would want it to be...but now, 18 months into this journey---it just is a long long way home. i long for heaven sometimes....just stretch myself toward the homeland.

i sometimes get lost in thought about seeing you---Father...wow. seeing your Son...wow....seeing the others...already there....just mystifies me...is more than i can ponder for too long...get so lost in the thoughts of it.

but, here we are...coming up on easter again. i am glad for this season...so refreshing of what i totally believe. i know many others don't, but i do...and i do deeply, more deeply than ever before. don't want to debate it anymore either...so guess it is settled, and maybe thought of as narrowminded. i really don't try to tell others their answers...but if they ask how and why i believe, i am more than able and full of passion to share...and just tell my story and how i can see no other path but one. just one...and that one is Jesus. so....that is that.

but...as far as this journey of moving forward and on---i have much to sort through...much to touch and feel...and savor...and remember...it isn't enough, but it is sweet.

sweet, sweet sarah c. sweet girl...my girl. miss you so...right now, the tears wash my eyes, so can't see as well what i am writing...not too painful, just the sweet tears of your mom...your mom who misses and loves you so. what a girl, what a wild child...full of life, love and passion...so full.

thanks sarah--thanks for it all.

Sweet girl, sweet memories

I have now been to Sarah's room 3 times and most of the stuff is now in my garage. At least it is moved...and now to begin to go through it a bit at a time. Feels less like a place that I dread to go now. Life has moved on even if I feel like I have moved slowly in this area.

Grief is hard at times---crippling, debilitating, sufficating, like you have no arms or legs and can't move out of it.

Then other times, it feels like there is movement and softness and comfort like no other.

Then other times, it feels like so much has changed that you can't even remember the sounds of her voice...nor the other voices of the ones gone on.

I am so mixed up on those days...is better to be quiet and slow to move.

Just this week, another friend lost her 14 month old daughter---same name....Sarah. my Sarah knew the mom---and they had talked some before Sarah died and were going to be on a Koinonia weekend together, but the mom was almost ready to deliver...her Sarah...so didn't do it. Sarah-my sarah, never made it to the weekend either as she had died shortly before. This new mom said to me...."your Sarah is with my Sarah." quietness in my soul...pondering that...

such a profound thought....our Sarah's together...however that is in heaven...wow God....somehow my mind just is unable to picture that. yet there is comfort. Sweet mercy...sweet mercy.

this picture is of Sarah's room before I started, messy, but the last of the view. art, neil, cards, always projects waiting to start...such a girl.

one time done

have done one time now in your room to begin to take things apart.

it feels like you God, are somehow showing me the map of how to do this.

sarah, here you are in front of a map in paris--or spain...maybe you are with christopher and he is taking this picture. it was a month before i met you in paris-for that full, wonderful week we had together before you came home.

the map for this new journey i am on now is hidden in the center of God's strong hand. he is leading ever so gently to me and christopher and all of us who love you. the journey in grief is a road with no signs, no familiar gas stations or sites you have been to before, so it takes a long time...sometimes even tracing your steps as you get locked in a repeating circle of something you can't or haven't let go of yet. i am trying to not do that too much as it totally wipes me out...so i would rather sit and ponder and stay in a place till i am ready to move on. each of us have our pace.

what got me was that somehow it made it to 18 months before i could move one thing in your room. maybe if i lived there, i could have done it sooner or differently, but this was what it was for me. i am blessed with a son in law who gives me my total time space...with no rush, no words, just walking quietly beside this mom and holding her hand...gently. he is so dear. sarah-you would be so proud. he understands and learned so much from all this. he is dear to me.

so, now it is started...and somehow for me, it is ok. i found a treasure in there---your christmas list for 07 and then found 3 things you had gotten for me...tucked away in the closet---3 pair of colored ankle socks, a mother and daughter book and some "mom" magnets....all from marshalls--Ha!!! we loved shopping there. touched me so....will love the book....

so much to still do, but will continue....it is time for me to do this.

am talking today again about you with some people who attend a journaling class with the woman who wrote about the one year update for us this last September-she was from the plain dealer. you touch so many people still. sarah.

help me talk well and tell your story well. i love talking about you...always have. wish i had some new stories to tell...miss seeing new things....just holding the old...is hard to hear people tell me new things that they are doing with their kids...but that is life, i guess...it moves on...and you are gone.

we never know how long we have, so i am glad i savored the glass of life i had with you---boy it was good. well, have to go and get ready now....

love you girl...

late again. i'm not sleeping...

we had a great night-the last birthday we got to celebrate together of yours. was thinking about it--and laughed...you almost threw me into the table of older women when we tried to polka...of course we had been sipping that wine...just never knew it would be the last one.

i am up and it is late. just have nights that memories run through my mind and just smile. then my heart aches...just would love to talk to you. not too often, but often enough--i go to reach for the phone to call. then...stop. miss the casualness of what we had-wasn't hard to live life with you. i had such a good time being your mom. you were fun. you were great.

so, here i am, writing again cuz i just can't sleep. i miss you. hard to see life going on without you. hard to do this...somedays i don't know if i can. i am doing the best i can...and sometimes i don't know if i can ever take the training wheels off my heart. just didn't think i would have to do this. it is your worst fear---losing your child...then you were my only one...and that is something that would lear in the background of all the days...not close, but present fear...

now it is not a fear, just true.

heaven seems so far away today...and to hear your voice...would be nice. so many have dreamed about you and you were brilliant in light and joy--and you had such encouraging and promising words for them. i have not had any of these dreams...and wonder if i will...

i find my faith has been to lean on my Father...to lay on his hand and trust this is all true--this everlasting life faith...to know i will see you again..to just throw all of it on Him and trust. so many don't believe any of this, or some of this today---

that just makes me sad---what is their hope?

i feel restless tonight God. i have too many tears after crying so long and often...seems like too many left...

the comfort of the tears comes, but the emptyness never leaves. the loneliness is so huge...don't think it is describable. the loss is more than i can bear. i can't linger there too long---need to walk back to what is...the present...and hold fast to the new. my fingers wander the keyboard to type things that would be hard to read, and then hit delete...but the words still fill my fingers and the fight goes on...my, oh, my...this is a fight...grief work is a wrestling match. no simple words or formula. no well trod path that is well lit, no final answer that sums it up. for the ones who have traveled this path---these words ring true...for those who haven't---they just don't know...and never want to know.

i am rambling, still have lots of words in my fingers, but not making much sense...just writing and typing and it at least feels good to do that...even if not one bit of sense is made, it helps. some nights are like that....just no sense, no rest...thinkingoftheroomandwhatneedstobedone.

i need to move on this...and will.

miss you girl...miss you.

a night of words that can't find air

doing grief work tonight and knowing that i need to get sarah's room done. i have put it off, moved it further ahead...it is my room to do and seems too final and so i don't do it. if i lived there, i would open the door tonight and begin...so since i don't, i will begin to prepare my heart to do it. it is time. i know it will be very difficult. it is the room of her heart and love of life. it is the best of what she and i shared--our love of unusual things, art, pens, cards, and things. she just was so alive in this room. we had such fun there and dreamed so much when we spent time there. just is hard. i wish it were something i could tuck into my heart and leave with it and store it somewhere safe---and visit there when i wanted...but know that isn't good to do. it is full of dust and lifelessness....and makes me so sad....

i miss her so. talked alot about you today at our group at church. i can talk and all---and then hours later, find that my heart is aching like a broken tooth that doesn't stop...a heart that has been disturbed and needs reset.

i wish i had words to speak about this that had sentences attached, so when rick says, "what is wrong, honey", i could speak and make sense and not have tears fall...talk like it wasn't about to crush me like that same wave that crushed my girl. seems like that will happen...overwhelmed, drowned....in the depth of it. don't have as many times that get this hard now.

got back up and hoped that typing would calm me, help me. soothe my heart, Father...hold me...help me.

it is time...have known it, have said it...then the time slips away...or do i let it, then avoid it...probably both.

so, i need to make a plan and do it...and then, when it is done...then what....ugh..that is what stops me i think part of the time---then...there will be no places that feel like her still. i don't want to be one of those people who leave a room undisturbed...i worry about people like that, and yet...now i know something more about them...how hard it is...

my heart hurts....i miss you...i have so much of living around me...sometimes even that messes with my mind...and there is this confusion that comes then. i let people read my thoughts and blog and then find myself editting myself because it is raw and then people don't know what to say or do...and there is nothing they can say or do---truly, this is my journey. you have your own......and so, i don't want to do that-stop writing, stop feeling my thoughts onto this blog...and writing and scraping the insides out so they are out and not still in. you who read--need to do your own work, your own blogging...your own finding your answers to these questions and thoughts that disturb you. don't worry for me---God has me, i will be fine...

wonder what fine means. talked to a woman today whose 32 year old son dropped dead of a heart attack and now she fears her other son will somehow die too--and i can see the fear in her eyes...that fear of how you can't stop anything from happening---and you are not in control...and your fear and worry will not do one thing to stop anything....yet will rob you of peace and joy and life. i will not let that happen, yet---feeling this stuff that comes out of nowhere, without invitation---and interrupts good days---this thing called grief...and sorrow...well, when it comes, you find that it is still not a friend nor been welcomed. i don't want to not do this thing called grief work---and yet, i do not want to deny nor repress nor all the other things we do when something awful happens---i want to cry and moan and rest and reflect and blog and journal and talk and listen and stop and go and live and breathe...and remember...and miss...and be sad...and hope someday...that i will not be so hit broadside by things...

you just are never prepared for the very unexpected thing that will bring you right to tears...and sorrow--just the simplest thing, the smallest and softest thing...a song, a way a mother holds her daughter's head, or brushes the hair from her face, or a daughter slips her arm around her mom's waist...and neither even really notice how dear and special that moment is...because...they still have one another...

help my eyes not linger and long for what is gone...and to relinguish this to you my father...

i want to remember with full joy--the wonderful life i did have with sarah. i want to savor the many things we did together. we lived. we lived well. we loved well---and i have no regrets...just wanted more. i don't get more. i get different--and i want to enjoy and savor the new wonders you have placed into my dear small hands. sometimes i think i am not up to this new adventure...maybe you think i can do it and i tell you i don't think i can.

i have 2 arms...and they love to hold and hug and will. i am blessed...and get to participate...

ok, back to the room. it is time. chris has been kind to let me pick the time. it is time...help me make a plan, help me to be brave and go. soon.

ok, the heart is beating

last night we had grief group #2...and it was good....

but all night now, my heart has ached...beating, but aching.

when you talk about the losses in your life---"life losses"...it becomes very apparent quickly that we are walking a journey of change and loss...gain and loss...

and to hear all the stories of other's pains and losses...well...it just makes me plain and simple....very sad...and mad and sad...

my heart ached last night for the hollowness i saw in people's eyes as they describe their loss and pain..and even as i heard my own voice share...

and it will not stop in this life...the losses we feel or experience. that makes me want to puke. it is real work to be optimistic about anything...for you never know for whom the bell will toll....

and in this area of grief, i am ok with dying myself...whenever...but hate to think about the sorrow left for others when you go.

but...my sorrow...is still very present. my heart is beating today and the words fall like marbles from my hand...

i can remember when my hand held color and joy...and sometimes even now---good colors come and i hold them tight...and try to not be afraid of losing them too. what a workout life is...and i don't remember joining this gym...at least, who would on purpose join something that would cause sorrow.

i do think that Jesus was sure glad to face and defeat death...it compelled Him as he lived. i am glad He did it..and often think about His dad--and how hard that must have been, even though He knew...but death is done...what an odd thing though...cuz we will not know till after we physically die about the resurrection and all. unless He is coming back...before we go.

anyway...i need to write and just write, not figure it out...cuz i get lost in the darkness and hardness of sarah's loss...i miss her so. i fight to live and be present, enjoy and savor...embrace and hold close...and then i can so quickly lose it all and dive into the deepest part of the sea and get so lost in it all in a quick second.

i have a sermon to finish today---about your unchangingness God--i need your help...to talk about the faith to walk without seeing...and to know this by faith...to help point to you to others who have been shipwrecked and lost hope...

you will come, you will help. i do trust you. HELD. i do feel HELD.

winter and cold

this is the view outside my door...it is cold, winter...should be sleeping and hybernating i think....
seems like letters that form words that help me to write--here and in my journal are frozen to my heart.
am doing ok---moving more, working out, eating better...just not writing. will preach this weekend, so have been reading alot...is from malachi 3---the God who doesn't change...

i know you don't change...i do trust you. just wish sometimes we could see beyond the veil so i would run with joy that would be so free and full of happiness and excitement for what is ahead.

need to grease my wheels and write...i do better when i am writing...at least i feel better. need to ponder, defrost....let go of the chill of my heart. i have some things to do soon--need to clean out sarah's art room and attic at her house...and need to write about that...it is heavy on my heart. need to write so i can go do it....seems so final and necessary...and yet...too final...the last of her things she set in a certain way...yet covered in dust. chris has given me all the time i need to do this...and that is so kind....it is the part of her i shared the most...the center of our hearts where we connected...so Father...come and defrost my heart...help me write...help me to do this thing i dread...
sure miss her...is too long since i heard her voice, her laugh...felt her hand around my waist...felt her warm and hearty hug...enjoyed the moments of spontaneity and joy....planned things to do...

new season...new life, new names all around me...new challenges and new loves and joys...not that i don't love these new things...just didn't think it was time to let go of the old...and wasn't asked. that makes it hard when we aren't asked...and loss is like that...what would we ever part with if we got to say....

sarah used to love playing the "would you like to die like _____ or like _____, mom"....she would pick the worst ways you could die...and laugh and laugh cuz i would say..."those are terrible ways to die...why do you like this game???" somehow she was always talking about dying...and now she did...

it is hard now...cuz as i write, my heart is defrosting and my solid tears feel warm on my cheeks...need to write more, need to keep grieving and feeling this...

i do feel better on today. there are still moments that totally catch me off guard and i still totally fall apart...is harder today as you don't know what will trip the switch...a simple thing you may witness--a mom and daughter hugging in your view....that is the hardest still....
my empty arms for my girl...so glad we hugged so much...never missed one...always savored each one...glad to have them. can sometimes feel her close. looking forward to heaven...feeling them again...

is this worth it...to feel the warmth come back...to feel a beating heart that grieves..and feels and hurts....sometimes i really wonder...

what to do with the anger?

I am pretty angry lately and know it has probably alot to do with you being gone-too soon. I find myself mad at alot of people and situations--more than I would normally be. I write alot---not so much here as I know others are reading and it is too raw sometimes for even the air to hold the words that come out.

The tears I cry even sting more---different tears than the sad ones. I have found that sad is easier than mad. Mad feels like it will tumble the day, my heart, the ones around me. Could just get an ax and chop down a forest and maybe that would help...at least all the emotions swirling inside would have an outlet that would not harm anyone---just the trees, and I love trees...so am working hard on traveling this road...

I dreamt about you the other night---no words spoken, you were just sitting behind me with your arms around me and we just were so close...I felt you---like we had done so many times before. Made me cry.

You had such an impact on my life on a minute by minute basis the full 28 years of your life. How lucky I was...and still am.

Miss you....

journey is long, hard

sometimes it is just a hard road. i ache, not every day, but when the grief comes, it is deep. i ache today--and have for a few days. just the holidays probably. have thought of so many people these last days who have lost others---children, parents, spouses, friends. then i ache more. just want to go to heaven on those days...and moments and be done with grieving.

i get sick of the ache, it tries to befriend me and i never want to be its' friend. never. it is not something i have sought out--and when you begin to talk about it with someone who has not had a loss like this---i can see it in their eyes---the fear....

it is fearful to think of possibly losing your child. your spouse, your friend. each day we get up and never know if that day will bring death. we just never know. what a depressing thought--and sometimes, when i need to talk...there are less people who are there that can go that distance to hear your heart. God is kind and I have been fortunate to have places to do that deep work of the grief heart.

Grief is brutal, total, devastating...deep, destructive, angry waves that kill...crush...break noses and bones and crush skulls...that is my journey. it is one i need to write about or i lose my mind at times...visiting that truth of the horror that happened in the most beautiful of lands. HOW CAN THAT BE?????? i try to wrap my mind around it and try to tame the thoughts and when they come, i just hold on...and crawl into my Father's lap and stay till the sounds quiet again. I am grateful for the one's who are around to hold too---but often these come in the middle of the night, or just when you smell familiar places of memories, places that brought deep joy...and now rip your heart open...jabbing at the emptiness that is found. these thoughts used to bring such smiles and laughter--and times to talk about joys with you dear sarah.

how i miss you today--- 15 months ago you died. i can hardly believe it is that long. seems so long ago when you say 15 months, yet my heart aches like it was today. another Christmas with you gone, quiet where your voice should be. holes of air hanging empty where your laughter would fill the air. it is almost like i can see the empty bubbles floating around...with no person to attach them to any longer....

sometimes i even depress myself...then begin the long process of picking up the pieces of my heart again and shoving them into my chest to beat and live. what a workout.

i am grateful to have a strong faith that knows this is temporary...i am intense and live in deep waters...and try to limit the time there as i would need medication today...somedays that sounds tempting to take the sharp edge off the cutting edge of this...it is not good to live in this place too long...drains the joy i do have in my new marriage...can see in his eyes when he worries...and prays for me. see it in my sister's eyes...and that sorrow is there in her's too---that deep sorrow. then see Christopher's eyes...and those take me out...the hollowness that has learned to live there...

he fights to live too--and embrace his new land. we both see it in each other's eyes and that sometimes is too much.

God--help this new year bring more healing to the hearts that have lost...my heart, Christopher's heart, Sarah's dear family and friends. help us to have a song in our heart again--and joy of knowing our homeland is still within sight...and it is not here....it is with you...where death is no more and tears are no more....and light is going to shut out darkness...and we will be with YOU.

help the coming year bring more freedom to live and love...and less fear. I WILL NOT LIVE AN UNLIVED LIFE. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL NOT DESPAIR. I WILL EMBRACE THIS JOURNEY AND LOVE WELL.

as the year draws to a close...

it has been a sweet time these last days. i have been remembering years gone by, of our times of preparing Christmas and presents and candy and cookies. you loved getting ready. i can remember having the craft table up in the living room for weeks as we painted and assembled the gifts we would make. we would head early to Amish country to our favorite stores for ideas to make and then buy more than we ever needed or could make--to then spend the time putting the things together. if i heard you say it once, you said it a thousand times, "mom--buy it---I am sick of you looking all these things over and then saying you can make it cheaper!!" I would laugh, and even do it on purpose just to get you going on saying it again...ahahhahahaha
such fun i always had with you dear, dear Sarah C.
now it is a new season....in a new land i have never walked before. i deliberately look ahead...not often behind...to see the new scenery, new people, new places i am going to. it takes alot of energy---and it is not a time when i have alot of energy. God---you are stretching me and my heart in ways i am unfamiliar with. i have not walked this journey ever before. i need you so much--in each moment. i feel your strong hand in mine. my tears often are held in my heart, till they spill at unusual times. the further you walk in the new land of sorrow---but life abundant, you find yourself caught by so much you can hardly assimilate it all to make any sense of it. it is like a huge puzzle with so many pieces...and takes time and intentionality to put the pieces in the right place. i feel like i am trying to find the edges first so will know the boundaries of this new place...
are there any?
i really wonder...
seems like the wonder of heaven is in this place...
seems like sometimes i can feel the air of that new place with a brush of my hand...
feels like i feel YOUR presence Father closer than ever...
like i am walking in this new land, just have no eyes to see it yet...
maybe that is what will happen in the years to come...my eyesight will begin to adjust to what my spirit feels at times...and will see for real.

i have a hope welling up in me...an excitement of this journey...that will last for all times....
and to see the ones gone on before...
to live with more freeness than before...
to hold fast...
to not give up....
to love better....
to live more fully...
to embrace this day, this life, this man, all of it...

a new year ahead....help me to dream more again...
to have the energy to live more, to not be so discombobulated in my mind...now that is a word to see in print.

to have confidence in YOU Lord.
to reflect you in all i do and am.
to allow others to see that the worst thing cannot take your heart out of life.
that my heart still beats and has hope...even though...
help me.
help us.
heal me.
heal us.
breathe life again Lord...over the areas of sadness...of the loss

you are near...

time to write...time to ponder....

Is Dec. 1 of 2008....only 30 more days left of another year. I just can hardly believe how fast time goes at times. It is time to write and put together the words that will make up Year 5-Life at Sea, Stay the Course.

Staying---means to keep to the path...the one carved out for you by the hand of God. His road, his direction. To stay means not laying down...not quitting..not giving up. It is more than we can do on our own strength. It means leaning and recieving from the ones around you on the path. For me...today I am grateful...for all the ones on this path..the new ones I have met along this journey---this year and last especially have impacted me in such profound and deep ways. The ones I would never have met had I not lost my dear Sarah. If she stayed, I would not have walked this way...but this is the path carved out and is mine.

Today brings a joy to this journey that I would not have expected. A deep sense of wonder and majesty---to touch the souls of others who have also lost and have a new language that is filled with words not ever spoken before. Eyes full of a sadness and depth that can quickly fill with tears and you can get lost in their depths. Yet--full of hope and love for life in new ways never explored before.

Holding on lightly yet fully to all that is left...and tasting slowly the new and enjoying the flavors of new friends and loves. Almost exploding with a deep sense of gratitude for the gift of a new moment...seeing the moments with a new sense of wonder and grace. Seeing the things you have done before with new eyes and sensing colors new.

This probably doesn't make too much sense...I find myself writing as the words fall from my fingers. I am deeply in grief still...missing Sarah more and more, yet releasing her more and more...just amazes me. If I don't release her and let go...it starts to pull me under...and there is no air nor life there...it is a frightening place...a place of deep agony and takes all my energy to not diminish....

but life...it beckons me to come and breath and see and taste and feel and wrap my arms around what remains--and to savor...and slip and dance, and laugh and spin and drink fully .....

I see another year ahead---full of what I wonder? I want to live as though...intentional, on purpose, fully....glorious...joyful...remembering...looking forward to the Lights of the City---and knowing someday...and never know when that someday will come...I will go home...and there will be for all time...with no more sorrow, no more death, no more pain, no more tears...no more...just fully home....EMBRACED.

This is what it means to be held

just added this new song in the profile. my sister has sent it to me a few times...it is the place to be. Held.

Held by the Father. no other place to be.

Sarah gone and would have been 30 yesterday, a tender day. so many around with so much love. grateful...glad.

sad...missing her.

held....held....held.

grateful.

significant week in my life

just a year ago tomorrow---11/18 i got ordained. here is the picture of the loving and wonderful community who came from many miles and near to support what they saw God doing in my life. it was a day of seeing for me-what i had felt God doing for many years. i still am awed at this.

i am awed that God does things in seasons when we are feeling the least of having anything to offer. it is almost like He does it that way to give only the glory to Himself. that is cool---because we sure love to take credit for anything...at least i have...

this week is also sarah's birthday. what a wonderful gift that God gave to me for 28 years. she would have been 30 this year. now is celebrating--if they do that---her 2nd birthday in her home in heaven...wonder how and if it has any significance....your earth birthday? probably not... but i do celebrate her life, her impact...the memories.

it is also the first day that rick called me...almost a gift from her, from God to me...on her birthday...and what a gift he is to me. i can't even believe myself how dear he is to me....just feel like the e-marmony commercial---my soulmate, my lover, my friend...my companion...and it is truly a God gift. from almost the first conversation---we both knew....amazing, isn't it.

sometimes we have significant days in our lives....significant weeks...almost like milemarkers for us. this is one of those weeks for me. it will be Sheryl's birthday (Rick's former wife) tomorrow too---she has been gone for 3 birthdays now. She is fully living in the kingdom too. We both have our significant ones' in heaven---they are probably having the time of their life too! Both she and Sarah...somehow...can see them both laughing and delighted. Heaven blows me away...is more than I could EVER imagine...makes me smile. makes me long for the Homeland...and seeing our dear Jesus....and Father....

in the meantime....to keep on, pressing on, staying the course...being faithful, loving others, forgiving...becoming more like Him.

sitting in the rain....

can still remember standing inside watching you sitting on Bob and Thom's wobbly dock taking pictures through the slots of the water...quietly staying there for quite awhile--in the rain.
this was just not too long before you left us...and i was seeing such a beauty in your spirit---a true peace with life. even in the midst of much craziness that you were in with going to part-time at work, school going on---loving that man of yours....you still took time to be still....to see the world and the beauty in it. you were soaking wet when you came in....

i even remember that you walked right through their screen door on your way out one of the times---and you and Barb had to put it back together again....we laughed so hard...what a girl....
sometimes i wonder what your entrance into heaven was like....wonder many things....

you had a way of seeing things all around you, capturing beauty, bringing beauty into relationships with all who you knew. i loved that about you...and find it a sore empty spot now.

you did teach us all about living while you lived it out in front of us. thanks Sarah....
i loved to watch you live....and did so every day of your life....can still remember the first time i saw you and they handed you to me...you laid on my chest for the next 4 days between feedings...wouldn't let them take you away---was so glad you were finally here. such a joy, having you as my baby....a miracle i never thought i would have....
so glad to have had you---God was so kind to me....gave me you. let me be your mom...loved being your mom. still am your mom. that is something to hang on to when it feels like it has been so long since i heard you say my name....
and boy did you say it always with passion--especially when you were needing something----loudly!!! MOM!!!!!!!
when you were little you decided to call me "ma" for a season--and i didn't like that...sounds twangy and awful....but that didn't stop you----so had to bear that season out till you went back to "mom". then of course...there were always the times that only "MOTHER" worked for you...and that also had your passion and tone mixed in it...and indignation...and frustration....especially when i wasn't totally available when you needed me to be....which was everytime you needed me!!! :o)
all in all....hearing you say mom was the best thing i ever heard from you....
i still have 5 voice mails...and listen probably too often...just to hear you say "hi mom"....and "i love you mom".

miss those things....miss you.....

last birthday we celebrated together

here we were-the "yowell girls" celebrating my birthday before you went to heaven. Now the 3 of us will celebrate what would have been your 30th birthday....but is now onto your 2nd year in heaven. oh my...how the season has changed.

miss you like crazy-every day to find full and wonderful reasons to live with you gone. it is a fight on days like these of late. aching in my heart. longings... talked to christopher and he is the same way...and so are the others who loved you so. we just miss you, miss your presence.

who gets grief anyhow? Rick and i talk about the gift of grief...and i am trying so to understand how this is a gift...but somehow it is...and will continue to be a gift in the remaining years of life---or days, or whatever i have. sometimes i want to just quietly still come to heaven...but know it is just my grief...just the tiredness of walking out this new landscape that i have no map for...and the food is tasteless...

held

held close....so glad I did.

always we held close.

always we lingered together to talk and to hold on. we lost so many things in our years--and we learned totreasure one another...had the hard talks, deep talks, treasured shared words.

I now hold your memories like this picture is held. held close to my heart.

i do love my life now-love my new journey. God has been so kind to me--to bring such fullness in this place of loss of you. I wish we could laugh and talk about the joy of this season I find myself in. You would be glad--I know it!

Reading Lament for a Son again. Read it about 10 years ago--this man lost his 25 year old son and I remember reading his deep sorrow and now as I read it again...find myself seeing words and phrases that touch me in the deep place where other words are lifeless.

the loss of your child is so hard to describe in any words that make sense. let alone your only child...and best of friend. yet--in this place---i find joy. joy of having known you, my dear Sarah. don't want to live afraid, to guard my heart, to not love as deeply if not even more deeply---because now, i do know what it costs to love and lose someone you love and loves you too. i would rather love and lose than never love at all---or to love small---or carefully or guarded....

God--help me to keep on this path that often is so misty and treacherous...and costly and lonely and hard and agony. today as i look at the bluest of skies with the yellowist leaves framed against it over the soft and waveless lake---i am full of a beauty in my soul...one that knows what it is like to see it dark and full of angry clouds and stormy winds that chill you to the inside of your bones. let me drink in this day--this gorgeous day---keep the storm clouds at bay today. i am going away for 2 days with my dear husband--to savor time set apart for us...to pray and seek you Father for your direction for our life in you.

grief is fickle--and greedy--and wants to eat and erode the moments of joy--to steal the colors out of the day. it stays close--waiting to be found in a song or a tune that catches you off guard--to sneak in and tumble your heart...tackle you from behind...trip your footing, crash you to the floor. I will keep my eyes on you Father---locked on your eyes...fixing my eyes on you...

lonely looking sky, lonely looking sky....

neil diamond's songs sing to me in the night hours....haunting my heart. it is a long night when sleep doesn't come. the quietness of flying in the air to lift one's heart above the sorrow seems to be a way to do it...to find the air current of hope and ride it as long as you can.

last night was a long night. thinking of the years gone by, of your birthday's and celebrations. we would be deep into it by now--what cake you wanted, what gifts, what friends to come and celebrate.

you always loved celebrations. you loved to make my birthday so special too...just can see your smile, hear your joy in your voice. see your determination to make it be the best one yet.

we will celebrate your 30th too dear Sarah. we will probably go to debonne' again and toast to the many "sarah-stories" and cry and laugh. somehow i often think you are watching to see if we remember how to make it that special...

i wonder too about the celebration of entering heaven--will you be on the planning committee. somehow, if there is such a thing...or maybe you will even convince God to let you start a new tradition there...to have such an event. i can only imagine the homecoming...ha! brings a smile to my face...seems like my face notices because i don't smile as often anymore.

i want to live life in that deep trust that you are so full of heaven and all it offers. i want to know this in my deep soul...and live with hope that shines from me to others. just one more time to run my fingers through your hair and sing a song, to kiss that "special place" between your eyes---that place i have kissed all the days of your life since the first time you were placed in my arms. that will be where i kiss you again when we meet. another smile...

thanks sarah...so being the dearest thing to me...for making this mom's heart so full, even now...with you gone. i have been so blessed to have you. my dearest friend. little did i know how short it would be...

God, please help to carry this deep sorrow...please help me. please help all of us...

where have all the flowers gone.

feels like my soul is like this tree today. where did the leaves go that brought protection from the winds of sorrow and cold. i ache lately. the longer it goes, there are then days that seem like it will be endless---the ache.

i try to stay in the present moment and on times like this, it is like it takes all my energy to do that. more words that are full of my feelings go into the paper of my journal than here...sometimes afraid to write the truth of my journey here. then may hear words about--"why isn't she doing better?" and things like that. then i remember this blog is mine and needs to have freedom to write what i need to write here, and no one ever needs to read it nor comment.

the air seems heavy and difficult to breathe in when i get to this place. seems thick. seems murky and hard to use. my chest seems to have trouble to handle it, hard to make it rise and fall with the breath i take. ache. here it is november...and you would have been 30. we talked so about this birthday and the bash it was going to be.

i found a sheet yesterday with the plans on it that we talked about for your baby shower i would have for you---all the things you wanted to have at it....ugh...read it about 10 times...then closed the small book it was written in---and put it away. didn't throw it away---thought about it...why ever read it again...didn't seem ready to do it yet.

want to be better...not hurt so much...but how can it be that way when it is so final.

the trees teach me about seasons and that a new season is ahead...and new leaves will come and bring life to this aching soul of mine...and i think they will be more beautiful than ever before...and will have a color of green never seen. the shape will even have softer edges...not so sharp. i hope i do better next season...don't think i can ever lose so great a treasure ever again while i breathe this life. hope not...but you just never know, do you?

moving forward

Today is sometime since I have written...not that there are not many words in my heart to put here...it is just hard to do somedays. It is like the handle on the pump to get them flowing is stuck--needs greased.
I am trying to move forward. Today is a good day, but to tell the truth...it was just a week ago I thought about being committed...so just will not put all my eggs in one basket yet....

loss....grief....emptiness....aloneness, loss of dreams, loss of the future you thought was coming. New players, new people, new names, new journeys...it is amazing and also is so beyond your ability to process when tired.

I have learned to be very careful not to do too much on one day. To conserve, to take care. I am not able to be all I was...maybe I wasn't to be anymore anyway. It is hard to say as where I was and who I was is never to be again either. It is new-a new land. Someone prayed over me about 6 months ago and said the painting of my life up to that moment was done. The canvas was lifted off the frame and was now sitting on the floor---completed. Not one more brush of the paint to alter it would ever happen again. But Jesus had lifted a brand new canvas and set it on the easel...and he held in his hands a palatte full of paints--waiting to start this new painting--he was excited and intent...and I would see it beginning.

i have seen the strokes of His brush and felt the colors coming on me. i have felt the closeness of His gaze on me-intent on what and where He would be creating. He is not randomly brushing here and there--but it is deliberate. I feel His presence...I feel His touch. Sometimes I see His tears as He knows the colors are hard at times for me to embrace...the colors of sorrow...but I see the colors on the pallate and they tell me Joy will be coming and becoming part of what He is making of me in this new land. I trust you Father...you are good to me, kind to me. I am learning much in this new land. Help me stay the course, catch the wind, set my rudder to hold fast. I do not want to miss this journey...

hard week

This was sent to me by Michell today--and she was a dear, dear friend of Sarah's. Just one of the many who miss her daily. We have met-many of us--and connected this last weekend to remember Sarah and her impact on our lives.

It was a very hard week for me after this weekend of remembering her. Just get to this place of such despair and deep sorrow. I got many emails from people who read the article and also so many hugs...and am so blessed...but in the midst...there is this place that became so raw again--aching--aching...so hard.

I am better today-thought I should write all week...but didn't...but the place I was and can still see just off to the side of me---is so wordless...no way to describe it...just can't believe it, can't wrap my little frail hands around it. I want to scream out loud---THIS CAN NOT BE TRUE.

ugh...that becomes one of my favorite words....ugh...a groan that is so deep....a language of only deep grief...

In that place, only God can come---and help. I laid in His strong hand often this week...with tears coming from all parts of me---it felt like my body cried....not just my eyes...like every part of me missed her. This writing is good--enjoy!

October 3, 2008Fresh and UnfixedThere Is Only Now
It can be easy for us to walk through the world and our lives without really being present. While dwelling on the past and living for the future are common pastimes, it is physically impossible to live anywhere but the present moment. We cannot step out our front door and take a left turn to May of last year, any more than we can take a right turn to December 2010. Nevertheless, we can easily miss the future we are waiting for as it becomes the now we are too busy to pay attention to. We then spend the rest of our time playing “catch up” to the moment that we just let pass by. During moments like these, it is important to remember that there is only Now. In order to feel more at home in the present moment, it is important to try to stay aware, open, and receptive. Being in the present moment requires our full attention so that we are fully awake to experience it. When we are fully present, our minds do not wander. We are focused on what is going on right now, rather than thinking about what just happened or worrying about what is going to happen next. Being present lets us experience each moment in our lives in a way that cannot be fully lived through memory or fantasy. When we begin to corral our attention into the present moment, it can be almost overwhelming to be here. There is a state of stillness that has to happen that can take some getting used to, and the mind chatter that so often gets us into our heads and out of the present moment doesn’t have as much to do. We may feel a lack of control because we aren’t busy planning our next move, assessing our current situation, or anticipating the future. Instead, being present requires that we be flexible, creative, attentive, and spontaneous. Each present moment is completely new, and nothing like it has happened or will ever happen again. As you move through your day, remember to stay present in each moment. In doing so, you will live your life without having to wait for the future or yearn for the past. Life happens to us when we happen to life in the Now.